A Little Bit Of Humour # 15

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1

When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor

But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor

ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?

Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal

PUT DOWN # 49

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration

When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability

“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”

"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"

So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb

But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”

RED HAT

She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that

She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”

RED NOSE

He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery

THE RED LION

I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow

As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true