I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner
THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true
Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over
PICKUP # 7
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”
PICKUP # 8
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”
I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before
They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really
THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED
The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note
I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady
MY WIFE IS A JAILER
My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration
In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled
I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off
I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY
I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am
THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN
My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING
I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake
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