PODS

Every one loves an iPod
A w x and y Pod
And an I say I say Pod
A meat and potato pie Pod

The all at sea aye aye Pod
The he made me cry Pod
And I’ve got to fly Pod
And the bye bye Pod

The I’m going to die Pod,
The my mate Dai Pod
The must keep it dry Pod
And the lady Di Pod,

The di diddly di Pod
The one in the eye Pod
The just for a guy Pod
And the Isle of Skye Pod

The bridge over the river Kwai Pod
The pig in his sty Pod
The vale of Wye Pod
And the Jamiroquai Pod

The Geordie why eye Pod
The Scottish ocheye Pod
The end is nigh Pod
And the x-ray eye Pod

The I can’t tell a lie Pod
The New Zealanders kai Pod
The I spy with my little iPod
Every one loves their iPod

NO MORE JUMPERS FOR GOAL POSTS

We didn’t think that life
Could get any better
We were young
Happy and content
Kicking footballs
Building carts
Climbing trees
Fishing in the pond
Swimming in the pool
Then they came along
Distracting us
With their undulations
Their cheap perfume
That seemed so exotic
Walking with their funny wiggles
Laughing with their girlish giggles
And the boyhood fun was over
No more jumpers for goal posts
No more war games in the woods
We still played in the woods
But then it was holding hands
Hugging and snogging
And playing with fun bumps
But no more jumpers for goal posts

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 1

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The refined palate of an epicurean
Would be gravely disappointed if they did not
Taste of Rambler, Hiker or Pedestrian

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The connoisseur would think it a mistake
If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour
Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake

KISSING BY NUMBERS

KISS NUMBER ONE

The first nervous kiss,
When tentative
And hesitant lips
Lacking confidence
Lacking conviction
Miss their mark
And teeth collide

KISS NUMBER TWO

The second kiss
More eagerly awaited
Full of conviction
Yet over confident
Hearts race unchecked
When over eager lips
Engage like spaceships docking
And both parties forget to breathe

KISS NUMBER THREE

The third kiss
Is eager yet restrained
Slow yet purposeful
And when lips meet
Hearts start racing
But each moment is savoured
This kiss, though not life changing
Will be remembered

DO YOU REMEMBER DANCING ALONG TO HARRY?

Do you remember?
When first we met
When we were set up
By our so called friends
Tony and Gwen,
Who quickly abandoned us?
A quick introduction
Then they were gone
Leaving us with each other
How awkward was that?
Being left with a complete stranger
You would never have chosen me
In a million years
And you were not my perfect choice
I had someone different in mind altogether
But their we were
Having to make small talk
With an unsuitable partner
Making do for the moment
While planning an escape
Then the music started
And I asked you to dance
You reluctantly agreed
I wasn’t bothered either way
I thought just one dance
Then I could desert you
With a clear conscience
Then just as we walked, hesitantly,
Onto the dance floor
The up tempo number ended abruptly
And for a moment there was nothing
Just the two of us feeling foolish
And wondering just how
We could leave the dance floor with our dignity
Then the music began again
And Harry Nilsson started to sing
We looked at each other briefly
And resigned ourselves to our fate
There was an awkward coming together
I gingerly put my arms around you
And we shuffled along to the music
Hoping that time would speed up
And the experience be over quickly
But as we danced along to Harry
The gap between us slowly decreased
Inch by inch until we were as one
And at that moment I felt at home
All thought of escape melted away
I never wanted to leave again
And now I wanted time to stand still
So the dance would never end
We hardly left the dance floor all evening
And when we did it was brief
So eager were we to return to our embrace
“Without you” was the song
That we first danced to
And I have not been without you since

A SULTRY SENSUAL SUMMER (A TEENAGE GIRL UNFULFILLED)

How I look back with regret
At that summer long ago
A sultry sensual summer
A time of sexual awakening
When I was on the threshold,
The blossoming of womanhood
And how I curse the time
I wasted on you
All those hours in your room
Listening to your music,
Your creative juices at work
Your incessant toe tapping
And finger clicking
To your tuneless efforts
Played on the out of tune guitar
That accompanied your juvenile
Angst ridden ramblings
“The music of your soul”
Was what you called it
God you were pretentious
Even for a teenager it was extreme
You were self obsessed,
Self regarding, self centred
Self absorbed, self deluded
Egocentric and narcissistic
In fact if the word
“Narcissism” hadn’t existed
They would have had to
Invent it just for you
If only you had realised
I wanted to make music with you
Raw unscripted passionate music
An ardent duet,
Fervently reprised
I had creative juices
I had creative juices to spare
I had a song of teenage want
About a frustrated nymphet
In lust with a pretentious musician
Who would rather finger his fret!!
Well I had urges
And I was left unsatisfied
By your excruciating folk
And your mournful dirges,
You called me your muse
Like I should be flattered
I didn’t want to be your muse
I wanted to be your groupie
I panted at you in desire
I dressed provocatively
I hinted at my lusty inclinations
I suggested you play my body
Like an instrument
But the sexual connotation,
Like everything else, was lost on you
And I remained unsullied
That sultry sensual summer long ago

THIS MASQUERADE

When I reflect back
On our time together
People were amazed
By my patience
And my quiet resolve
To maintain,
The status quo.
Such forbearance
And fortitude
In the face
Of her constant betrayals
My endurance
And boundless tolerance
Astounded everyone
But to claim any virtue
Would be dishonest
Because it was so calculated
I was not blind
To her indiscretions.
And to our friends
My capacity for forgiveness
Seemed to far exceed
Her ability to shame me
But it was I
Who was the dishonest one
I maintained an air
Of cool dispassion
In an effort
To give her space
And freedom
So as not to drive her away
I wore the mask
Of the patient husband
But my noble efforts
Were in vain
As I appeared to her,
Merely indifferent
And I drove her away anyway
I should have been honest
True to my feelings
I should have discarded
All pretence
And removed the mask