PREPARING THE BIRD

The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses

ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?

It was in a seedy club
Where I spied her in the gloom
And I knew I wanted her
As our eyes met across the room

Are you wearing stockings?
Is the answer no or yes
Your buttocks say oh
And your hips say guess

I liked what I saw before me
It was lust at first sight
We didn’t speak as she took my hand
And led me out into the night

We painted the town red
Then after a night of carousel
She took me to her apartment
To quell her burning arousal

It was a mutual wanting
A primeval burning passion
A need for physicality
A time to enjoy each sensation

There was a moment’s hesitation
As we stood face to face
Then primitive and animal
We touched in coarse embrace

I fingered her through the silk
Until she moaned her sighs
Then I pulled her pants down
Her long stocking-ed thighs

My hand returned to her lips
And I probed her creamy-ness
Rhythmically stroking her
Until I brought her to the abyss

Kneeling before her writhing form
My mouth set off on a quest
To kiss my way along her leg
To taste the her tangy-ness

I reach her stocking top
And the softness of her thighs
My cheek against her skin
As I sought out the dewy prize

I tasted her until she shuddered
And let out a stifled shout
Then she unzipped me quickly
And tugged me roughly out

She kissed me with urgency
And could taste herself on my lips
While her hand tugged on me
I pulled her skirt above her hips

But then she was on her knees
And her mouth was all about me
As she sucked on my shaft
Sucking me to the point of ecstasy

I was beginning to lose control
Would she drink her fill of me?
Would she wear my necklace?
Or would her loins envelope me

The answer quickly came
As she pulled me to the floor
Where she rode me like a dervish
Until I could give her no more

And then we lay entwined
On the floor of her apartment
Enjoying the afterglow
With our passions well spent

CAT BOY

My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird

I WOULD IF I COULD

I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t

DECEMBER REMEMBRANCES

Every year during the festivities
I remember friends and family
Those who are no longer with us
To celebrate another Christmas
And with each passing December
It seems there are more to remember
But I take time in equal measure
To enjoy each moment and to treasure
Those special ones who are still here
Whose number also grows year on year

THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

If you seek a special gift
The greatest gift of all
Don’t look beneath your tree
It was never there at all
The greatest Christmas gift
Was given to us all
The Christ child in a manger
In a lowly cattle stall