LENT ABSTINENCE

 

This time of year is significant

For what Lent represents

But I didn’t know what to forsake

So I’ve given up abstinence

IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

 

If you are a lover of puns

Then on shrove Tuesday

There is only one conclusion

And that that its pun-cake day

IS IT PANCAKE DAY ALREADY?

 

Is it Pancake Day

Already? Oh dear

It’s really crêped up

On me this year

THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY

 

The origins of Fat Tuesday

Are Anglican and Catholic

But in our town Fat Tuesday

Is an overweight biker chic

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

 

There is a very distinct difference

Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday

The former is an all-night party and

You wake up with the latter the next day

MY COOKIE LAMENT

 

Oh, what a pleasure they represent

Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent

Whether foreign fare of strange accent

Or posh ones made for lady and gent

Or those down the bargain basement

Even with broken ones I am content

But I must cease those moments spent

Devouring the cookies heaven sent

And sing loud my sad cookie lament

Of a man left alone in his torment

For as the treat that they represent

I have given cookies up for lent

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 3

 

I have given up sex for Lent

Which is to some small extent

An empty gesture on my part

As to stop I’d first need to start

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 2

 

I have given up sex for Lent

Which is to some small extent

An empty gesture on my part

As I had to as I have a bad heart

ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing any drawers?

I would like a look at yours

I bet a pound to a penny

You’re not wearing any

There we have it at last

You are as I thought bare arsed

Even if you have an excuse

It still makes you look loose

And its still very low rent

If you’ve given them up for lent

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 1

I have given up sex for Lent

Which should not disconcert

As I haven’t done it for six years

So another month won’t hurt

  

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

 

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like

A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?

I only found out many years later that it was

Because they were seldom seen after lent

KISSING FRIDAY

 

The tradition of kissing Friday

Was called Nippy Hug Day

When Leicestershire men

Could demand on that day

A kiss from any woman

Of his choice by custom

And if she was to refuse

He could then pinch her bum

But since world war two

Kissing Friday doesn’t apply

It has fallen from favour

I can’t understand why

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?

 

What do you call the day?

That comes after Ash Wednesday

And before kissing Friday

Well, we just call it Thursday

ASH WEDNESDAY

 

There is a religious reason

Why it is a significant day

But cremated pancake on the hob

Is the only ash around our way

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

 

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like

A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?

I only found out many years later that it was

Because they were seldom seen after lent

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

 

I thought I would try tossing a pancake

Well that turned out to be a big mistake

The first three didn’t leave the pan at all

The next two were sliding down the wall

The only one dispatched with any grace

Then splashed hot fat right in my face

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

 

Tossing the pancake

How hard could it be?

Well quite difficult

Which surprised me

What an awful mess

After the first three

I gave up after four

That landed on me

TOSSING A PANCAKE

 

Tossing a pancake

I can do that

Just get a fry pan

Heat up the fat

Mix up the batter

As easy as that

One on the ceiling

One on the cat

One on the door

One on the mat

One on my head

Like a sweet sticky hat

IT’S PANCAKE DAY AGAIN

 

Mix it, pour it

Cook it, toss it

And serve it

 

A little lemon

A little jam on

Eat it with aplomb

IT’S PANCAKE DAY

 

Light the hob

Mix the batter

Then pour it in the pan

Cook one side

And toss it high

Then catch it if you can