An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 43) Bumper Christmas Gift’s

You might be surprised to hear that I awoke in my bed on Sunday morning quite alone; it certainly made a refreshing change.
This break with tradition came about after I had the night before disproved the old adage about Santa only coming once a year by coming twice in Bernard the Elf.
Sadly after that Tilly had to leave for a prior engagement, namely dinner with her brother.

Having completed my ablutions alone I walked down to the church with Judith and Victoria as usual, though a little slower than normal due to my knee, and I was surprised to see Tilly outside the church engaged in conversation with Katy Oliver, the Vicar, and a young man I didn’t know.
“Its just one thing after another” Katy was saying
“It’s St Lucy’s day on Thursday and next weekend we have the carol concert and Christingle”
“What’s the matter? Is life testing you’re patience Vicar?”
I asked cheerfully
“No it’s testing my faith,” she said without humour and went inside.
“Now look what you’ve done” Judith said and followed in the vicar footsteps.
Victoria just looked at me and tutted and followed Judith
“I think I’ll go back to bed,” I said to Tilly, who blushed.
“What was the vicar saying anyway?” I added
“The sound system and the visual displays have packed up” Tilly replied
“Damn” I said
There was a bit of an awkward silence and then I said
“Anyway what are you doing here? I thought we were getting together for lunch”
“Tristan stayed at mine last night and he didn’t want to miss church and as I’m not a regular anywhere I thought St Lucy’s was as good as any, so here we are” she said and then almost as an after thought
“Oh by the way this is my brother Tristan”
Tristan was as different from Tilly as it was possible to get.
He was the fat to her thin, the short to her tall, and the busty to her flat.
But in one obvious way there was no difference at all he also had a friendly open face.
I shook his hand warmly and said
“Is Tristan your given name?”
“Yes, awful isn’t it”? He replied
“Well it could have been worse, just think if your folks had named you Tudor,” I said and he laughed like a drain
“Ha Ha did she tell you about Ophelia?” he asked tears running down his cheeks
“Very funny both of you” Tilly snapped and went inside.

As we came out the church Tilly said
“I rather enjoyed that”
“Did you say you’re not a regular?” I asked
“That’s right, not for years, I don’t know why I lapsed” she replied, “Tristan is a regular though”
Later at lunch, the conversation turned back to the Vicar.
“I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea, it was very out of character,” I said in defense of Katy
“It’s just such a busy time for her”
“Don’t worry” Tilly said, “I rather like Katy”
“Good” I said, “it’s not like her to snap like that, I wonder if there isn’t something else bothering her”
“I thought the same thing” Tilly said and added
“Anyway Tris and I have been talking”
“What about?” I asked
“The sound system” she said “that’s our area of expertise”
“And what conclusion did you reach?” I asked
“Well its not a complicated system,” Tristan interjected “We could easily patch it up in the short term, and after Christmas we could look at a more permanent solution maybe even replace the whole thing”
“They don’t have much money,” I added
“Not an issue” Tilly said, “we know people who know people”
“But I thought you were a “whiz kid”” I said to Tilly
“I am” she replied proudly “but there is more to Sound Bites than that”
“Are you sure you can do it”? I asked them and they both nodded.
Well I had been feeling rather guilty about my earlier flippancy with the Vicar so it was with the most selfish of motives that I suggested
“Well let’s go and make her day then”

Katy Oliver burst into tears when Tilly and Tristan put their proposal to her.
“Its divine providence” Katy Sobbed “I prayed for a solution and here you are” then collapsed in Tilly’s long gangly arms
Tristan and I made a tactical withdrawal and Tilly stayed with Katy for a while afterwards.
Tris and I took a walk round the village green and got to know each other.
He was also from Kiddingstone like Tilly but he was living in Guildford until he sold his house.
His marriage had just ended and he just wanted to off load the house and draw a line under an unhappy episode in his life.
“I wouldn’t mind living here” Tristan said “first impressions and all that”
“I wouldn’t live anywhere else” I admitted “but houses don’t come up for sale very often”
When Tilly finally reappeared it was clear that she had been crying as well and she was a little quiet for the rest of the afternoon.
When I went home I reflected that it had been a bit of an eventful day for a Sunday.
And if Sunday had been an eventful day then it merely heralded the beginning of an even more eventful week to come.

On Monday morning I was working in my study penning the next salacious instalments of my bawdy tales when I was distracted by the loud droning of an engine.
When I went to investigate I discovered Frankie and Maisie in the garden feeding sand and cement into the bucket of a cement mixer.
I had forgotten I had arranged for then to lay my new garden path, that put an end to my writing for the day.
The drone of the engine was going straight through me so I took a walk into the village.
I wandered aimlessly down the road with no particular purpose and found myself walking past Mahajak’s.
“I’ll go in and flirt with Shula” I said to myself and walked into the shop only to find Shula was nowhere to be seen.
Aunt Anjuli was behind the counter looking tired and drawn.
“Hello” I said brightly
“Hello Simon” she said flatly
“No Shula today?” I asked hopefully
“She is upstairs nursing Omid” she replied
“He’s still poorly then?” I enquired
She just nodded in response.
It was at that moment that my eye was drawn to a large stack of magazines. The Radio Times to be precise, the bumper Christmas edition.
I know that it’s a bit sad but I really look forward to getting the Bumper Christmas Edition of the Radio Times, (other TV Guides are available). It is one of the highlights of the season for me, it does sound really sad doesn’t it?
But to make it even sadder, I bought two copies.
After leaving Mahajak’s and a worried Anjuli I noticed a couple of vans outside the church.
I took a walk in that direction and I discovered Tristan and Tilly had been true to their word as one of the two vans bore the livery of Sound Bites.
I was tempted to go in and see how they were getting on but in truth I wouldn’t have been able to tell how they were progressing.
It was at the precise moment I was trying to decide whether to go to the Golf club bar or the Cross Keys when someone grabbed my arm.
I turned around to see it was Katy Oliver.
“Hello Simon” she said
“Hello Vicar, you surprised me,” I said
Than she surprised me again by giving me a bear hug almost crushing my Radio Times and kissed my cheek several times.
“You’ve saved my life” Katy said and hurried off towards the church and then over her shoulder she shouted
“I still haven’t forgiven you for what you did in the grotto though”
I didn’t think she was convinced by the charade Tilly and I put on.

When I walked past the church on Wednesday on my way to the Church committee meeting there was only the one van parked outside and there were a lot of strange noises emanating from inside.
And by Thursday everything was set for St Lucy’s Day.
It all began once the darkness had fully descended with a celebration service and then after the church service a parade of school children from St Lucy’s school process through the village carrying their Lucy lights and then throw them onto the bonfire to light the Lucy fire on the village green.
It’s all very pagan and a Swedish tradition originally, a mixture of the Christian and the pagan really, something that Victoria Braithwaite’s father introduced to the village more than forty years earlier.
It is believed that St Lucy’s light can lengthen the days
The St Lucy’s day festival was always well attended as its such a unique event.
Christians from churches far and wide attended the service and a healthy crowd both church and secular turned out for the parade, even the odd humanist had been known to turn up, but then most humanists were odd in my view.

For Reverend Katy Oliver the second weekend of advent was a test of endurance but with the success of St Lucy’s day under her belt she approached the first leg of the marathon with renewed vigour.
The Carol Concert on Saturday night was an all ticket occasion and as always it was performed to a packed house.
The sound system was excellent and the new visual displays came into their own.
But as successful as the concert was there was no time for Katy to rest on her laurels because the next morning brought the Sunday Service and the lighting of the second candle of advent.

After another success with the morning service going off without a hitch there was just time for a light lunch before she was off again.

The Christingle Service has become ingrained in Anglican worship though it has its origins in Eastern Europe and the Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.
It is a beautiful candle lit service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story.
A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for his people.
Toothpicks decorated with dried fruits and sweets are placed at the four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world.
A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the gift of the light of Christ to the world.
Firstly the children make the Christingle lights in Sunday school, and then they carry them proudly in procession into the church where they are lit for the service.

By Sunday evening it was over, Katy had got through it, the miracle marathon had been completed and she looked visibly relieved and hugged Tilly who had been on hand at every stage of the proceedings.
Watching, supporting and worshipping.
It certainly had been a funny old week, a week in which Tilly and Tristan had saved the day, and Katy Oliver’s sanity and Katy had survived the miracle marathon and I had unwittingly got Tilly involved with the church again as a result of our dalliances and apparently rekindled the flickering flame of her faith.
I wondered, quite naturally that maybe my mission in life was in fact to be a sword-wielding soldier for Christ converting the heathen with my evangelical sex.
Well that’s my story anyway.
Anyway it was a very good week and I didn’t get my balls wet once.

The following week by comparison was a quiet one Frankie and Maisie had finished laying the path and I had only one appointment in the diary for the week in fact it was the only one until the New Year.
Due to my unexpected and out of character abstinence since the Bazaar I began the week with a lingering horniness, however I was going to be seeing Tilly on Wednesday and hoped to revisit her luxuriant beaver so that would almost certainly cure me.

As I walked to the village on Wednesday for the Church committee meeting I saw Dr Andrews leave the vicarage and get into her car, I’m sure she saw me but she didn’t stop and as she drove away I wondered what Claire was doing there after all making house calls was not in vogue.
When I got to the Church Hall I was almost the last to arrive and I found the assembled group in sombre mood.
Also in the room was a stranger who was introduced to me as the Reverend Robert Hunter, a tall good-looking man a year or two older than me.
It seemed that the stresses and strains of the previous week had taken its toll on Katy.
But by all accounts she would appear to be no more than thoroughly run down and had been advised to take a complete rest.
That was obviously the reason why Claire was leaving the vicarage.
Full bed rest for the week would hopefully put her right and she would be strong enough to participate on Sunday.
Reverend Hunter would be standing in for her wherever and whenever necessary until then.
There was still a busy program to get through, two more advent Sundays, midnight mass and Christmas morning itself.
The meeting moved on at a pace once we got started and we covered a good deal of ground.
One of the things covered was my position on the committee.
Eleanor Overend, whose position I had been substituting, would not be returning to Bushy Down, she would be selling up and moving in with her sister, so I was being made a permanent member.
For the last quarter of the meeting we planned to discuss the technical issues with the church PA system and with this in mind, Tilly was summoned into the meeting.
When I introduced Tilly to the Reverend Hunter there was an almost instant mutual attraction and to be quite honest I and the other committee members might just as well have been absent.
I had thought I might slake my libidinous thirst by imbibing deeply of the delights of Tilly’s hairy Minge but her lustful eye had clearly settled on the replacement Vicar.
So that was something of a turn up and I was clearly not to satisfy my horniness and having thought prior to the meeting that I only had one commitment until years end, I found my diary suddenly full as a result of it.
December had always traditionally been a busy one for me but this year was turning out to be an exceptionally busy one.
I was a bit fed up about it at first until I remembered Andrea’s words to me when she said
“You should give more of your self, If everyone gave one hour a week, what I change could be made to the world”
I couldn’t argue with that.

After the meeting I went into the Cross Keys for lunch and as I sat nursing my pint I sulked over my unfulfilled plan to fuck Tilly Bushe into a frenzy and came to the realisation that I wouldn’t be shagging her again any time soon.
Then a thought occurred to me and I picked up my phone and after selecting a number I waited for them to answer.
After several rings it went through to the answer phone.
“Hi Tris, Simon Fisher here” I said, “If you were serious about wanting to live in the village then you may be in luck. There is a house coming on the market very soon you might be interested in”
On Friday morning I decided I would hire a car.
I did this for several reasons, firstly my knee still wasn’t a hundred percent and as it was going to be a very hectic week ahead, secondly because several of my commitments were in Kiddingstone and thirdly I could use it to pick Georgia up from University in time for Christmas.
It was nothing too grand, just a little two-door puddle jumper, which would serve me all week.

Once I got back from Kiddingstone with the car I was still horny and a long liquid lunch did little to abate it.
When I got home I sat down in front of the TV and started watching “The Bishops Wife”, one of my favourite Christmas movies, but I lasted no more than 10 minutes before the long blinks set in so I spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch in a fitful dreamy sleep.
And it was just when I had woken from that long afternoons snoozing and surfaced from an erotic dreamland that I heard the sound of the doorbell.
The bell continued to ring as I made my way up the hall and when I opened the front door I found a rather tipsy Judith Hunt leaning against the doorframe.
“Simon darling” she slurred, “I am a damsel in distress”
“How can I help?” I said
“I’m locked out” she said “and the boys won’t be back for at least an hour”
“Could you be a dear and let me stay here until they get home?”
“Yes of course” I said just being neighbourly “Come on in party girl”
“Thank you kind sir” she said as she almost fell through the door.

“Let’s get your coat off,” I suggested
This proved to be something of an effort, but we managed it in the end and when we had she adjusted her skirt and straightened her scarlet festive top.
I sat her on a chair in the hall while I pulled her boots off revealing her festive tights with a holly leaf motif.
“Come in the kitchen and I’ll put the kettle on” I said
“Wine will do” she suggested and fell against the wall giggling.
“Coffee I think” I replied

A couple of cups later and Judith had sobered considerably and she told me all about her office Christmas lunch and how much she had enjoyed it.
Well I already knew how much she had enjoyed it by the way she fell in through the front door.
“Do you want another cup?” I asked
Judith checked her watch before replying
“Yes please, but I must have a pee first”
“Ok, I’ll take it through to the lounge” I said
I was sitting on the sofa when she tottered into the lounge, make up repaired, outfit perfect, and in one hand she held a sprig of mistletoe
“Look what I have found,” she said and as she reached me she raised it above her head.
So I puckered up and gave her a Christmas kiss and as my lips touched hers her tongue was thrust into my mouth in a wet sloppy fashion, which took me by surprise, so in the spirit of the season and just to be neighbourly I responded in kind.
I had never looked at Judith in my normal appraising manner, she had been more of a good friend or a big sister, but as her tongue energetically explored my mouth I was warming to her and seeing her in an entirely different light.
This may well have been the over indulgent boozy lunch, the unexpected nature of her embrace or more likely because I hadn’t had any for nearly two weeks.
As she was showing no signs of letting up and had consolidated her position by locking her arms around my neck I decided to press on to the next level.
My hands which had been on the small of her back slipped down to her big round buttocks and gave then a squeeze and finding them surprisingly firm they lingered there briefly before ascending beneath her festive sweater to explore her winter wonderland.
Underneath her woolly jumper my hands encountered another garment, an undershirt of some description so while I began tugging it from the waistband of her skirt she breathed sucking her tummy in to accommodate me.
It took only seconds after that before my hands where climbing her naked back towards her bra.
On reaching it I was surprised by the substantial piece of engineering between me and her tits.
I was used to more delicate items of lingerie with between 1 and 4 hooks but this had about ten.
I must confess I wasn’t counting them; I was just rushing through them as quickly as possible so I could get hold of the contents.
Judith’s slobbering lips were showing no signs of relenting in there assault on my mouth as my hands grappled with her huge tits, they felt great in my hands, they were real tits with a little bit of sag and not just overinflated silicon footballs.
Her nipples were big as well and as stiff as pencil ends.
“Hmmm” she went as I played with her stiffened nipples and it temporarily broke her contact with my mouth and she slurped noisily before reengaging.
I have to confess that the constant kissing was beginning to make my jaws ache so I thought it was time to give her something else to think about.
I released my hold on her great bulbous breasts and moved my hands quickly down to the hem of her skirt and began hoisting it upward exposing her festively stockinged thighs.
I quickly reached under the folds of fabric and finding the waistband I dragged her tights over her buttocks then I repeated the process with her knickers.
Once they were both residing a few inches above her knees I wasted no time in finding her fanny.
Her neatly trimmed bush was readily accessible but I couldn’t easily reach her Minge and pay it the attention it deserved.
Before I had time to figure out a solution she broke free of our embrace and bent forward until she was resting her hands on the arm of the sofa.
This presented me with a great view of her round white arse and more importantly ease of access to her gash, which I took immediate advantage of and slipped my fingers between her treacly lips.
The moment my fingers parted her lips she moaned the first of many acquiescing utterances as I frigged her to a satisfying conclusion.
While she was still bent over I extricated my self from beneath her and stood to take up a position behind her where I quickly unveiled my throbbing cock hungry for cunny after a week of dry balls and then I fed the beast.
I plunged deeply into her warm welcoming honey cunt and she exclaimed noisily in response and seemed to get louder with each insertion.
I reached down under her sweater and cupped her massive tits and I smiled to myself these are real bumper Christmas gifts.
I looked down as I continued to pound her pussy and thought my balls had never been as wet as she creamed me with each successive length until she screamed through gritted teeth and I emptied into her.
I stood there behind her for a moment caressing the great globes of her arse as she panted.
Then when I withdrew she sank to her knees and I sat on the sofa next to her and I looked her over with renewed interest as she lay face down with one huge white tit either side of the arm rest, her big round naked arse on display, her tights and knickers around her knees, a very horny picture which would be saved into the wank bank.
After a few minutes Judith turned her head to look at me and said
“My goodness that’s not a very good start is it?”
“What do you mean?” I asked puzzled
“Well I was married to Laurence for 25 years and was never unfaithful once” she replied
“Now I have a new man in my life, who I’ve only been dating for 3 weeks and I’ve been unfaithful to him already”
Then she laughed out loud which cased her jugs to jiggle.
Then more seriously she added
“We haven’t, you know, done it yet,
I’ve only ever been with… I had only ever been with Laurence and wasn’t sure about what to do with a new man, but there’s no need to worry about that now” And she laughed again
“Now that I’ve been unfaithful numerous times,
I am a serial adulteress,” she confessed
“You’ve only done it once” I pointed out
“I know” she said “but I thought I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb”
“Well I think I’d better take you to my bed then” I suggested as I stood up
“Ok” she acquiesced smuggling her tits back up her sweater “but we need to have the light off my figure isn’t up to bright lights”
“Nonsense you have a lovely shape” I corrected her as I watched her pulling her kickers and tights back up
“I’m not as firm and toned as Pandora” she said “but then you would know that better than I do”
And she went out the door.
Well that rather surprised me, the fact that she knew about Pandora and I, or was she guessing?
That was not the first surprise I was going to get that evening because when I got her into bed she gave exceptionally good head before I split her whiskers again.
I eventually took her home at 8.30 all red faced, damp drawer-ed and thoroughly sullied.

2013

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has to much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

It’s such a mild New Year
All the birds are singing noisily
Noisy little bastards
Should be frozen to a tree

A CHRISTMAS SELECTION # 5

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS TIME

The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS

The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year

CHRISTMAS PUDDING

Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot

CHRISTMAS STAR

The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical

THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST

The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end

SPARE A THOUGHT

We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one

IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION

In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another

THE DOORBELL RINGS

The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles

REMEMBER DECEMBER

The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations

PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET

Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss

Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart

Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life

Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good

WE COULD HAVE

We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud

We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”

We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun

But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter

MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON

May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS ROSE

Christmas rose
The Evergreen beauty
Winter-blooming flowers
Of white or purplish hue
In wide display
Decorate the European
Landscape at Christmas

A CHRISTMAS SELECTION # 4

CHRISTMAS HOLLY

Christmas Holly
Evergreen tree
Christmas Holly
Leaves are prickly
Cut fresh Holly
Full of red berries
Help to make
The season merry

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Warm memories
Of the holiday season
Moments of joy‚
To be forever treasured
Prayers of peace
One day to be answered
These are the gifts
I wish for us all

GRANMA JOY

I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans when I was a boy
Her heart was so full of love
She filled the house with joy

Garlands, Balloons and bells
Hung from every beam and rafter
She made it joyful for us all
The house rang with her laughter

It was such a joyous time
I wish I could cross the years
To once more see her smile
Just thinking about her cheers

ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS

Its not just presents
That must be opened
As another Christmas starts

As well as all the gifts
We must try to open
Closed minds and hearts

CHRISTMAS TIP

If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January

CHRISTMAS BUSH

The Christmas bush
Is Australian obviously
And isn’t really a bush at all
It’s in fact a shrub or tree
With red flowers for selection
As Christmas decoration

The True Meaning Of Christmas

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT

The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away

WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING

When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses

PRAYERS WERE SUNG

Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

Christmas Humour # 6

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list

THE LATE CHRISTMAS CARD

The etiquette for Christmas cards
Is simple, you just have to remember
If you cant get it there for the day
Make sure it still arrives in December

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
But it wasn’t to be
Because I ended up with you

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are on my Christmas list
But I will carefully pick my moment
I don’t want to do it when you’re pissed
Because with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to know that you’ve been kissed

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
With out my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear

You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress

That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur

Christmas Humour # 5

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely its self evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed