ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

TAKEN ITS TOLL

I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling

I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong

I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell

I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out

So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain

Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light

Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod

Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more

So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling

A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

TENSE TRAVELLER

I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing

CLEANING HOUSE

My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair

MEDICAL PRACTICE

I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else

TAKEN AT THE FLOOD

As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?

OH YES HE IS

On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him

THE CORRECT SOLUTION

I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution

THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD

Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary

HELP LINE # 3

I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged

THE LOUD MINORITY

People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them

DOCTOR MANNERS

Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

THE LATEST FAD

I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.

GO WAYNE

“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”

SWEET GIRL

Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts

DIVORCE IS..... # 1

Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation

CORNERING THE MARKET

The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners

A MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

HOUSEWIFE

When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye

LOOSE MORALS #1

She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo

PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER

Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.

CONDOM

In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first

HELP LINE # 2

I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold

SOLICITING

A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop

“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”

LOOSE MORALS # 2

She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast

BIRTH DEFECT

A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”

The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”

“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?

A PINCH OF SALT

Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila

SENIOR TRUTH

If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable

NOT PAYING ATTENSION

I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”

LOOSE MORALS # 3

There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane

IN MY GHIA

Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear

SEX EDUCATION 101

Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”

The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”

ERIC THE CLERIC

Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric

LOOSE MORALS # 4

She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see

PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS

The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go

LOVE IS.....

Love is…
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between

Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together

Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say

Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together

Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary

Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them

Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence

Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true

Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love

Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is

New Year Bits

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

If you have decided
You are overweight
And a diet is the solution
If you have decided
This should be
Your New Year’s resolution
Just listen to these facts
For just a moment
And then digest the information

Of all the people in Britain
There are more over weight people
Than there are average weight people
So overweight people
Are now the new average weight people
So job done, you have reached your target
You are no longer overweight
You have kept your New Years resolution
Have a cake to celebrate

JANUARY BLUES

I hate the month of January
Every single day from New Years day
To the 31st day
I hate the month of January
With every fibre of my being
You may say it’s just the January blues
That colours my views
But it’s much deeper than that.
It’s always such a long depressing month
With dreary weather and miserable people
It’s the inevitable aftermath
That follows a joyful Christmas
Its going back to work to the same depressing job
You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve
It’s the empty bank account
And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday
Its New Years resolutions and not keeping them
I hate the month of January
From day one, new years day
With it’s reminder of things to come
Another bloody awful year ahead
January fills me with dread

OLD YEARS NIGHT

My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one

I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone

A Stocking Full Of Christmas # 2

CHRISTMAS DAY IS ALMOST HERE

Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
I hold so dear

When to tradition we must adhere
When to every ear
We are sincere

A time of goodwill and cheer
A time to care
A time to share

Christmas is when we banish fear
Keep close those near
And those dear

Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
When we revere

COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS

When Jack Frost is abroad
And the Thanksgiving snow falls
When we hear the first sleigh bell’s ring
Christmas isn’t far away at all
So make those lists and join the throng
Of happy shoppers down at the mall

THE JINGLE OF SLEIGH BELLS

The Jingle of sleigh bells, herald
His coming on Christmas Eve
When Santa Claus takes the time
To fill our stocking and I believe
That Santa Claus thinks sincerely
It’s better to give than to receive

YULETIDE GATHERING

On the oak and iron studded door
There hung a wreath of yuletide
That was so pleasing to the eye
It seemed to welcome you inside

The hallway was lit with candles
Of every shape, size and hue
And tasteful Christmas decorations
Seemed to be constantly in view

Down the entire length of the stairs
Entwining the polished mahogany
Garlands of holly and evergreen
Filled the scene most sumptuously

The drawing room was minimalist
Each decoration chosen with care
The focal point was the mantelpiece
And the little stocking hanging there

In the corner stood a mighty tree
Festively decked in all its glory
But their was more to the gathering
Than just the Christmas story

Every face bore a relaxed smile
Such was the festive atmosphere
And so proud was the hostess
But not just for the festive cheer

For this was the first Christmas
For their newborn son and heir
And so proud was the mother
Of her newborn son so fair

BUT SOFTLY THE MYRIAD SNOW FLAKES FALL

But softly the myriad snow flakes fall
These infinite flakes of purest white
Like pure white down of angels wings
Floating gently from heavens height

But this is no heaven sent delight
This thing of beauty that cruelly lingers
For harshly touched is the naked earth
When touched by winters icy fingers

IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN

It’s Christmas time again
When the spirit is beautiful
When every pocket is empty
But every heart is full

OH PRETTY SNOWFLAKE

Oh pretty snowflake
Gentle on my face
Oh delicate beauty
Like Belgian lace
Oh pretty snowflake
Thing of grace
You were here
Now not a trace

SNOWFLAKES ON THE DAY

Smoke curls from the chimneys,
And dissolves into the grey
Then the clouds in exchange
Release snowflakes on the day

Soon the air is full of white flakes
Filtering the sounds of life away
The land is soon under deep snow
Of snowflakes released on the day

EVERYBODY LOVES IT

Everybody loves it
Even if they won’t admit it
From the newly bred
To the nearly dead
Christmas is the bee’s knees
From decorated Christmas trees
To candlelight and mistletoe
And every happy Ho Ho Ho
Some may not agree
At least not openly
But are quite happy
To enjoy it secretly

I WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA

I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him what I wanted
Stating what was best

I didn’t ask for jewels
I didn’t ask for jewellery
I didn’t ask for gold
I didn’t ask for luxuries

I asked him for a gift
I consider the greatest prise
I asked him for the look of love
To be present in your eyes

I asked him for your heart
So to make me live
I asked him for your love
But theyre not his give

I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him that I love you
I’m sure he’ll do what’s best

NOT JUST ANOTHER CHRISTMAS

Christmas has come around
It’s another Christmas dear
Another special season
So full of Christmas cheer

Just another Christmas?
We had better not forget dear
It’s not just another Christmas
Something’s different this year

What’s special this Christmas?
You’ve surely not forgotten dear
A milestone is to be reached
That’s what’s special about this year

It’s a special Christmas isn’t it?
I see the penny has dropped dear
We must hang up baby's stocking
It’s his first Christmas this year

DECEMBER HAS COME ROUND AGAIN

December has come round again
Another Christmas time is near.
That time when young and old
Almost explode with festive cheer.

DRIFTING ON THE WIND

The snowflakes drift upon the wind
And settle on the windowsill
But also on the winter winds
Comes the sting of winters chill

THE MAGICAL SEASON

Christmas cards come from absentees
Bringing so many Christmas wishes
And those you get to see in person
Are greeted with Christmas kisses

It’s the time for friends and family
Exchanging gifts beneath the tree
A time to enjoy every single moment
And make it as magical as it can be

IT WARMS MY REMINISCENT HEART

It warms my reminiscent heart
When Christmas preparations start
When the bells of Christmas chime
I am taken back to happy times
With special friends and family
And all the Christmas memories
When Christmas preparations start
It warms my reminiscent heart

CHRISTMAS MEMORIES

Of all the Christmas’s I can remember
My best Christmas’s were the ones
Where I would decorate the tree with dad
And make Christmas cookies with mum
Thread popcorn and make paper chains
Each day opening the advent calendar
Wrapping the gifts in excited secrecy
Writing cards and sending them near and far
They are just distant memories now
But they were still the very best ones
And we must make Christmas memories
Now we have our daughters and our sons

A Grown Up Christmas

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho

SANTA’S R & R

When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave

His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return

In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor

Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”

PARTY CLAUS

What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities

For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal

I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed

One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member

I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples

CHRISTMAS JOY

I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season

The Funny Side Of Christmas

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more

CHRISTMAS GOOSE

At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse

Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd

The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We are being treated to pot noodle
So Oliver won’t be asking for more

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food

CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT

Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions

But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation

“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick

LAST CHRISTMAS

Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year

GIFTS FOR EVERYONE

Jimmy got an iPod
Sally got an iPhone
Dad got an iPad
Mum got an iRon
Happy Christmas? iThink not

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal

DEAR SANTA CLAUS

Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood

I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational

I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive

I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy

What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality

But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy

CHRISTMAS GETAWAY

The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick

Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly

The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday

SAD SANTA

Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED

There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez