I TRAPPED A COUPLE OF VEGAN BURGLARS

 

I trapped a couple of Vegan burglars

In my basement to my total disbelief

At least I assumed they were Vegan

Because they keep shouting “Lettuce leaf”

AS I GET OLDER I SIT DOWN AND REMEMBER

 

As I get older I sit down and remember

All the people I’ve lost along the way

I think maybe a career as a tour guide

Isn’t right for me at the end of the day

I ALWAYS KNOCK ON THE FRIDGE

 

I always knock on the fridge

Before I open it, no messing

Just in case when I look inside

I find there’s a salad dressing

THE POSTPARTUM SEX

 

My wife gave birth today

And after thanking the doc

I sheepishly asked him

“When can have sex?”

He winked and said

“I’m off duty at ten”

I JUST SPENT SIXTEEN LONG HOURS

 

I just spent sixteen long hours,

Which is a bit of a crime,

Linking my watches into a belt

It was a waist of time

THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY

 

The most effective way,

Which might sound quirky,

To give up veganism

Is quite simply, Cold Turkey

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT DROWNING

 

Last night I dreamed about drowning

In an ocean that was orange and fizzy

It took me a while after I woke up

To work out it was just a Fanta sea