I'M RUBBISH WITH NAMES

 

I'm rubbish with names

I can’t help it a bit

It’s a proper condition

There's a name for it...

PEOPLE WHO SELL MEAT ARE DISGUSTING

 

People who sell meat are disgusting

Even if it’s halal or kosher

But then I’ve heard that people

Who sell fruit and veg, are grocer

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT CADBURY

 

I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury

Are moving production to China

Which will involve some rebranding

For example the Chinese Wispa

I USED TO WORK IN A PLANT

 

I used to work in a plant

Specialising in shoe-recycling

And I hated every minute

It was utterly sole-destroying

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?

 

Are you wearing contacts?

And a different colour at that

In normal light they look great

But in the dark you look like a cat

PICKUP # 18

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Do I know you?”

You can enquire of her

“Because you look

A lot like my next partner”

PUT DOWN # 64

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Give him a measured look and rebuff

“Look I know we all sprang from apes,

But I’m afraid you didn't spring far enough”