WE DIDN’T REALISE THAT MY DAD

 

We didn’t realise that my Dad

Was one of the great family men

Until that day we discovered

That he actually had three of them

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 436

Ring a ring o' roses,

A pocketful of posies

Atishoo! Atishoo!

Catch it, bin it, kill it 

ARE YOU WEARING A SQUINT?

Are you wearing a squint?

That’ll be because of the fine print.

I wouldn’t bother reading every bit

There's no way you're going to like it 

MY GIRLFRIEND THINKS I'M A STALKER

 

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

She’s thought it ever since we met

Well, I say girlfriend, I should explain

That, she's not my girlfriend, yet

THE WHOLE FAMILY WERE WATCHING POINTLESS

 

The whole family were watching Pointless

Playing along and doing quite well, more or less

The first round was about words ending in TOR

But the answer was a carnivore or an omnivore

It had to end TOR, but the answer ate things

The first two answers were Alligator or Predator

My daughter shouted out “Vibrator” triumphantly

Good word but they don’t eat things I’m afraid sweetie

“Yes, they do dad” she argued “Mum told me so”

“She said, hers eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow”

A MAN DIALLED 999

 

A man dialled 999 and said

“I’m pretty sure my wife is dead”

The operator asked him calmly

“Why aren’t you certain she’s dead?”

“Well the ironing hasn’t been done,

But she’s still the same in bed”

SAILORS FIGHTING IN A DANCE HALL

 

Two sailors where fighting

Over a prostitute on the dance floor

They both had one arm each

In a bizarre game of Tug-of-whore