WHEN I FIRST MET HER

 

When I first met her

I was attracted by her looks

My first thought was not

I wonder if she cooks

But her literary inadequacy’s

One certainly brooks

She was only ever interested

In my cheque books

MY HUSBAND’S BEHAVIOUR

 

My husband’s behaviour

Is truly appalling

However, it’s my fault really

Which is quite galling

 

If I hadn’t fed him cat food

Just for the laughs

He wouldn’t sit on the carpet

Licking his own arse

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME

 

Since the beginning of time, the one thing

A woman really wants from her man

Is his commitment, it’s not a lot to expect

So have him committed as soon as you can

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for

A committed man for ions,

You should have started

In the mental institution

LOOKING AFTER THE PENNIES

 

When I was a boy

I saved my pennies

For a rainy day

I saved every cent,

My pocket money

Every Friday

The Money back

On the empties

A paper round

In the morning

And delivering

The Weekly Sport

On a Saturday evening

Cleaning Grandmas windows

And Odd jobs

For the neighbours

Then on Saturday morning

I’d take it all,

The Ten bob notes

And tanners,

Halfpennies

And threepenny bits

And pay it all in

To my Post Office savings

BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR

 

I can remember a time

In the dim and distant past

When you could boast

To your friends and neighbours

That you were the proud user

Of the British Gas five star,

All singing all dancing,

Central heating and boiler cover

Which was akin to saying

You had a Rolls Royce

Parked in your garage

Such was its superior quality

Of course that was a world away

In in different century

Now having British Gas homecare

Is the equivalent to owning,

A 1983 Skoda

WEST OF KINTYRE # 1

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

Looking out across the sea

To the distant misty shores

Of Antrim far away