DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

 

A wife asked her husband

“Darling, do I please you in bed?”

“Yes, especially when you do that thing

With your mouth” he said

“Do you mean oral sex?

You know that makes me feel cheap”

“No I mean the thing where

You shut up and go to sleep”

 

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards

In the beginning to make the grade

You need two hearts and a diamond

By the end you want a club and a spade 

WHEN I WAS A BABY

 

When I was a baby

I drank milk

From bottle or breast

 

As boy I drank

Fizzy pop

Limeade was the best

 

When I reached manhood

I discovered beer

I loved a pint of best

 

Now I’m nearing the end

Of my lifelong trip

And all my fluids come

Thru an intravenous drip

AMPUTEE

 

She said “What happened to you?

“You’ve been in the wars a bit”

“I accidentally cut my finger off” he told her

She asked, “The whole finger, was it?”

“No as a matter of fact” he replied

“It was the one next to it”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107

 

Hush a bye baby, on the treetop,

When the wind blows the cradle will rock;

When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle, and all.

But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Haringey

ARE YOU WEARING POP SOCKS?

 

Are you wearing pop socks?

The thought of it really rankles

Those little black stocking socks

Cutting into your chubby ankles

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

 

Not a foreign invader

But an alien being

Inside me

Living, breathing

Growing stronger

Day by day

While I weakened

And in its strength

Is the knowledge

That it will not survive me

Cannot outlive me

Yet it is content

To kill me

Knowing it will end itself