THE NIGHT OUT

 

I’d been to some bars

And drunk a few jars

And while I was there

I became the worse for wear

When my double vision

Started causing derision

And tired of the scoff

I took myself off

To be greeted at home

By a malevolent gnome

The bane of my life

My diminutive wife

But when I was drunk

I wasn’t afraid of the skunk

Her anger I would dismiss

And bring her round with a kiss

But my advance was declined

Which I thought was unkind

I thought I would rise above

Her rejection of my love

But despite my attempt

To show her contempt

She still wouldn’t let me in

I thought it may be the Gin

So, I used reasoning

Without any seasoning

But what I said to her

Just came out as a slur

Then she angrily said

“Go and sleep in the shed”

TOP OF THE LINE

 

Toward little ones I incline

Your little breasts are fine

As sweet as cherry wine

Your threepennys are klein

 

Toward little ones I incline

Small by natures design

Beautiful when you’re supine

For your little breasts I pine

 

Toward little ones I incline

Disappearing when you recline

Your nakedness I love to entwine

And your little breasts are mine

 

Toward little ones I incline

The scientists want to refine

I like them little, bottom line

They are the top of the line

THERE IS MORE TO SEX THAN LUST

 

Sex isn’t just lust

Or a mere coupling

A base fulfilment

Of primeval need

Or secreting pheromones

Its isn’t just mechanical

Or indeed chemical

It isn’t in simple terms

A trigger to be pulled

It isn’t all out of control

Exchanging fluids

And sweaty effort

There is more to sex than that

But I will accept

That it is mainly lust

IN HER LITTLE YELLOW BEETLE

 

I always used to see her

And wanted to take a trip

In her little yellow beetle

As she cruised the strip

 

But she never noticed me

Though I hoped one day

In her little yellow beetle

She would drive me away

 

Then one day out of the blue

She pulled up along side

And said “hello handsome”

And took me off for a ride

 

Well, that was quite a night

That I will never forget

In her little yellow beetle

I had the best ride yet

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

 

Plastic surgeons have the expertise

To enhance breasts into a feature

But disproportionate enhancement

Makes for an odd-looking creature

THEY’RE ON THE MOVE

 

They’re on the move

Within the silk

They rock and roll

And tip and tilt

 

So, I must reach inside

Your dressing gown

Then I’ll grab on

And hold them down

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83

 

Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen

She lays eggs for gentlemen

Well actually well all said and done

She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone