SENIOR COLUMN

 

I wake up in the morning

But don’t get out of bed

Until I’ve read the obit’s

And made sure that I’m not dead

THE FAMILY WAY

 

I loved her right from the start

Willingly gave her all my heart

And when she walked down the aisle

I could do nothing at all but smile

 

When we moved into our flat

I thought to myself, that was that

Once we had our home together

We would just grow old together

 

Then I saw the pregnancy tester

When she had reached the first Trimester

And then came another level of joy

We would have a little girl of boy

 

Now I may have tended to fuss

My devotion may have been uxorious

But she was all important in my life

So, I fussed around my primiparous wife

 

And when the great day finally came

We still hadn’t even settled on a name

But our daughter blessed our union

And I had two loves to dote upon

BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

 

I will call up my Dolly

To be alone would be folly

Perhaps I’ll call Holly

But should I call Polly

Or little miss Molly

To call all might be a folly

But an interesting volley

What a prospect by golly

HELP LINE

 

I phoned the incontinence help line today

“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”

“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?

I of course replied “from the waist down”

DINNER QUESTION

 

My wife was in the kitchen

And she began to chat

“What would you like darling”

I heard from where I sat

“Chicken, fish or lamb

Or some beef without the fat”

“I think I’ll have the chicken

And I can have white wine with that”

“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot

I was talking to the cat”

FACE VALUE

 

You worry so much about your appearance

You fret about your nose being too big

Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin

But be assured people really don’t give a fig

For while you display your magnificent breasts

Encased sensually within black lace

Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed

Because no one is looking at your face

ROSES WERE RED

 

Roses were red, violets were blue

No one in the bar was prettier than you

I brought you home I was over the moon

In the morning I sing a different tune

My eyes are red, my complexion green

The sight of you makes me want to scream