IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED

 

If at first, you don’t succeed

Don’t let it cause you distress

And if you still fail to succeed

You must redefine success

HAM AND EGGS

 

Good morning what’s for breakfast?

Can I have eggs and ham please? 

That’s a nice simple breakfast

That can be prepared with ease

Well not as simple as you may think

Oh, its but a day’s work for the hen

But for the poor old pig

It’s a lifetime of commitment

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

 

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,

What makes you come so soon?

Just think about cricket the next time

that we get down to it in my room

HAPPY BIRTHDAY # 15

Congratulations and felicitations

But don’t drink too much at the celebration

Too much will make it appear to you

That people are laughing WITH you 

PUT DOWN # 18

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

When he says to you

“Can I have your name Hon?"

Just say clearly to him

“Why? Don't you already have one?"

CAR SCRAP-AGE

 

I’m very disappointed with the government

And their much-heralded car scrap-age scheme

I took my “old banger” along with me to the garage

But my wife wasn’t what they had in mind it seems

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

 

It’s that time of the year once more

When the motion picture industry

Pat them selves on their collective backs

And mark another year in their history

 

But when the time comes

How do we choose what to see?

Film reviews are little help

And critics add no clarity

 

Industry spokesmen and women

Film critics and film reviewers

Those who form the Oscar collective

Are of little use to film viewers

 

“Best picture Oscar” must be good

Well I fell in that trap

I watched “Gangs of New York”

And it turned out to be crap

 

Also I have found I am out of step

With the film critics view

So you have to decipher the code

That’s all you have to do

 

Just follow this simple guide

“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap

“Stunning cinematography” = No story

“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

 

“Thought provoking” = No car chases

“Dark” = Badly lit

“Moving” = Alright for girls

“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

 

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough

“Poignant = Has no plot

“Oscar winning” = Over hyped

“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

 

These simple tips may help

Save you wasting precious time

Watching an ill described film

Best designated as a crime