THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

 

As a school kid

It was cider first

Then as a student

Wine came second

Then as a worker

The vodka came third

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

Out every night

Drinking trebles

Never slowing down

Even seeing double

They never slow down

Never have a single

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

Before breakfast

One eye opener

Mid morning at the office

Two snifters in the loo

A liquid lunchtime

Three large ones do it

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

The lost weekends

Come first

Then the tremours

Follow a close second

Cirrhosis of the liver

Takes its place in third

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

I’m only a social drinker

The first denial

I can stop if I want too

The second denial

I’m in control of the drink

The third denial

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

In a gutter covered in vomit

Not for the first time

Coming round in casualty

More than the second time

Surrounded by medics

No way back the third time

 

It stops there

SAY IT AINT SO

 

“What is the chemical formula for water?”

The science teacher said to young Joe

Joe confidently stood up and replied

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,

“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted

Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children

She knows their likes and dislikes,

Who their friends are and who they fancy

Their illness’s, ailments and allergies

 

She knows the dates of all their matches

Drop off and pick up, Home and away

She knows about appointments for hospital

As well as Doctor, optical and dental

 

She knows about their favourite foods

And the things that make them sick

She knows what scares them and why

And what makes them laugh and cry

 

She knows all about their hopes and dreams

And what they may look for in a spouse

While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware

Of some short people living in the house.

AN ILL WIND

 

An elderly couple were in church

When about halfway through,

May leant over and whispered

In the ear of her husband lou,

'I just let out a silent fart

What do you think I should do?'

'I think you should put a new battery

In your hearing aid' Replied Lou

THE NAKED TRUTH (2)

 

Mary stood naked before her husband

“What do you like most about me?”

"What is it that turns you on more,

My pretty face or my sexy body?"

He perused her nakedness briefly

"Your sense of humour!" said hubby

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL

 

Heralding its arrival

A lone piper suitably bedecked

Leads the procession

To the hosts table unchecked

It’s delivered to the supper

With such deferential respect

Then addressed and served

Not to eat it shows disrespect

Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler

Then I truly cannot recollect