The difference between a tea bag
And Woking Football Club
Is a simple one to discover
A tea bag stays longer in the cup
Tuesday, 5 October 2021
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TEA BAG
EVERYONE WANTED TO HANG OUT
Everyone wanted to hang out
With the mushroom but why?
I didn’t see the fascination
But it’s because he’s a fungi
Monday, 4 October 2021
Uncanny Tales – (47) Parking Behind the Church
I was sitting
in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was
waiting for my wife.
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to
the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting
for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers without
fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down
on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit
from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat, eyes closed against the sun, listening to the World
Cup chatter on the radio, when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for
something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my
eyes and continued to listen to the radio and then came a prolonged blast which
did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I really had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind
me and to the right, it was a woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit
a car park, who was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to
mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived at this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully
out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance or blocking it in anyway, in
truth if she had just got her positioning right she would have made the manoeuvre
effortlessly.
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and
not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
Reluctantly I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harm’s way but as
she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere
between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you,
you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she
missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t manoeuvre yourself
out of a car park”? I asked
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found
herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved,
and I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window and called.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still
couldn’t clear the parked car so she threw it into reverse again and quickly
shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jewelled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single
digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the brake lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I
thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had
noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly
ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled
to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car.
LAST NIGHT I ASKED A SEX WORKER
Last night I asked a sex worker
“What do you charge for a handy?”
She replied “Roughly 50 quid”
I winced and replied, “And gently?”
THE LAST SUPPER
Last night at our repast
My wife asked me sincerely
“Why must you eat so fast”?
I replied “you never no really
Which meal will be your last
With your cooking, especially”
SOMETIMES AFTER THE WEDDING
Sometimes after the wedding
Despite the best intentions
There is a Honeymoon period
Causing unlucky abstentions
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