WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO ATHLETICS

 

When I first got into athletics

A hurdle scared me a bit

But with dogged perseverance

I managed to get over it

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TERRIFY

 

If you really want to terrify

A confirmed batchelor?

Fill his pockets with confetti

While he’s passed out on the floor

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT FLIES FASTER

There is only one thing that flies faster

Than stock off the shelves on Black Friday

And that is the endless flash of white

Of till receipt as the customers pay

HE WAS A PESSIMIST AND NO MISTAKE

 

He was a pessimist and no mistake

But he wasn’t a cup half empty kind of guy

He was very much worse than that

He didn’t even have a cup, that’s why

IN A SHELL SUIT

 

What do you call a chicken?

The question begs

If it wears a shell suit?

It’s obviously an Egg

THE LAST THING THAT KING HAROLD SAID

The last thing that King Harold said

On the day that he died

During the Battle of Hastings?

Was "I spy with my little eye" 

Uncanny Tales – (39) Butties and Baps

 

I was in Basingstoke a few months ago for a job interview and I found myself with a little time to kill, as it is in my nature, that when going to a place for the first time in particular, to allow plenty of time in the event of some unforeseen happening.

I don’t like being late, especially for appointments and as a result I am invariably at least forty-five minutes early, hence the necessity to kill some time.

On this particular occasion, after scouting out my final destination, I decided to go into a local café, “Butties and Baps”, which was only five minutes away from the company where I had the interview, and I ordered a coffee and a Danish and sat down in the corner to read my paper.

It was a little after 10 o’clock in the morning so the café was very quiet in fact there was only one other customer and he was draining his cup, but almost as soon as my fellow customer put his cup down the door opened and in walked an elderly gentleman who made his way very sprightly, to the counter.

He exchanged pleasantries with the well-endowed woman behind the counter who due to her physique I assumed must be “Baps” and I could only imagine what “Butties” looked like.

Anyway, the old Gent, unaware of my thoughts, proceeded to order a mug of tea with six sugars,

“Six sugars?” Baps replied, “You’ll rot your teeth”.

The man stiffened immediately

“Listen to me young lady” he said loudly and indignantly.

Calling her “Young Lady” must have been quite flattering to her as in my opinion she would not see fifty again.

“I’m 77 years old, I have never been to a dentist and furthermore I still have all my own teeth” and with this he turned smartly on his heels and marched back out the door.

Baps just stood stock still and speechless with her mouth open, teapot still in hand and pouring into an overflowing mug.

“Don’t worry,” I said “What he didn’t tell you was that he keeps them in an old tobacco tin, he’s probably gone home to get them so he can have a bun to go with his mug of tea”.