MARRIED WEIGHT ISSUES

 

When single women get home

They see what’s in the fridge

And then go to bed

However married women get home

See what’s in the bed

And goes to the fridge instead

YESTERDAY MY HOUSE WAS BURGLED

 

Yesterday my house was burgled

And today I feel really crappy

They stole my anti-depressants

Well I just hope they are happy

LAW IS LIKE THE FAMILY BUSINESS

 

Law is like the family business

And that includes my Niece

She is a Corrections Officer

With the Grammar Police

Uncanny Tales – (015) The Girl in the Blue Dress

 

My wife Carrie and I were on our way to New Broadcasting House, as we had a meeting at the One Show Production office.

It was a busy in Portland Place, but then it always was, there was always a tail back from the junction by the Langham Hotel and a stream of pedestrians filing past All Souls Church, but Carrie and I were often at the BBC so it was nothing out of the ordinary.

On this particular occasion it was a lovely bright summer’s afternoon and the sun was very warm, and it was that time of day when everyone had been for lunch and were all scurrying back to their offices.

Indeed it was just another day in W1, that is, until Carrie said

“What’s going on?”

“What?” I asked and then followed her gaze to where a girl in a blue dress was walking towards us, who was causing something of a stir.

That in itself was strange because she was a rather innocuous looking girl, certainly no more than mildly attractive certainly not a stunner or of movie star calibre, and yet she caused every head to turn, male and female, young and old.

Men’s jaws dropped to the floor and their eyes stood out on stalks and women either looked sternly and shook their collective heads or stared lustily, and this behaviour was not restricted to pedestrians, car drivers and Taxi passengers joined in the ogling.

“What are they all gawping at?” I asked

“No idea” She replied also questioning if this unremarkable girl was worthy of all the attention, but as she passed us and our eyes followed her the reason soon became apparent.

The hem of her skirt had snagged on an adornment on the ornamental belt rendering her rear aspect from waist downward exposed.

Though it wasn’t that which had elicited the response she had received, that was due solely to the fact she had neglected to wear any pants.

As she continued on and turned more heads, I asked my wife

“Shouldn’t we tell her?”

“No” she replied after a moment of deliberation “little tart”

 

GETTING ON # 5

 

You know you have reached old age

When name badges are obligatory

At any and all family gatherings,

Sunday Lunch and holidays especially

ONE OF THE FREEZERS BROKE DOWN

One of the freezers broke down

I’m worried for my stroganoff

I’ve just checked the horse steaks

And sadly, I think “they're off!”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 433

 

Birds of a feather flock together,

And so will pigs and swine;

With kith and kin we have no choice,

I certainly didn’t choose mine