I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings
The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail
He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery
Are you wearing shades?
Yes, they do look cool
Though not really suitable
And I would say as a rule
Wearing them in a cinema
Make’s you look a fool
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitants had to live in their cars
It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t
be shy about it
Don’t
beat about the bush
Just
come right out with it
Say
“I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And
hold it like a bong hit”
I picked up a girl and went back to hers
But I was struck by impotency
She was very understanding and said
“That used to happen to me”
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor
