SWISS MISS

I hate Swiss army knives with a passion

All the more as there all the fashion

Even though they appear to be useful

I really can’t help feeling resentful

Despite all the craftsmanship it brings

And it being useful for a variety of things

With screwdrivers, scissors, and a saw

And something to remove an apple core

A nail file and a comb as well I can see

And a funny looking hooky thingamy

It’s the bit for getting boy scouts out

When stuck in horses’ hooves no doubt

But this article of precision engineering

Only goes to prove the Swiss are boring

RAMBLING’S OF A LONELY DRINKER

 

Good evening young man

A beer and a whisky chaser

They’re not the best

By some distance

They say whatever

And think that they’re clever

Still horses for courses

Different strokes for different folks

I’ll have another

Responsibilities and commitments

Both horns on the same beast

Two sides of the same coin

Yes, I will have one more

Insignificant and ordinary

My illusions shatter

Size doesn’t matter

Well, they got that completely wrong

He drives a Porsche because he’s impotent

Same again bar steward

I’ll tell you about politics

The longer the excuse,

The less likely it's the truth

Street violence and anti-social behavior

Will I make old bones?

Will I buggery

Make it a large one

Your uncle plays the piano?

I can tickle the ivories

Piano forte,

Pianissimo (not loudly)

Another of those

My present wife

A little wiggle when she walked

A little giggle when she talked

Soul mates, friends

Souls intertwined

Twinned

Joined in holy padlock

Then she walked in the light

And slept with all my friends

Bring on the dancing girls

Again, my good man

Billy no stars

Johnny no mates

Don’t mock the afflicted

Raise the drinking age back up to twenty one

“Do you believe angels sing”?

“And every time you hear a bell ring

An angel gets their wings”

Bells and whistles

Belt and braces

Heracles herded the mares of Diomedes

Did you know that?

Just one more

As a rule, they offer no resistance

My hands move inexorably up her thigh

Just a small double

We’ve lost the second post

I went to Shakespeare’s school

But he was in the year above

Spats - you don’t see them anymore

Oh, another yes

You’re going on a five-mile run?

I can’t complete a cross country run

Remember, remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder treason and what the hell was that

That wasn’t a rocket it was scud

Fireworks, fireworks it’s like living in a war zone

What last orders?

Does driving through a tunnel make you excited?

A double and a double chaser

Bingo bango bongo

Very good looking...... Dumb as a board

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless

Mentioning no names

But look where my eyes rest

Yogurty smogurty

Another double in there

The exited states of America

The united states of aggression

Was that the bell?

What was my worth?

When my life meant so little

When my heart never felt compassion

Why should I care for them?

When I have my ration

Rhymes and reasons

What closing already

A confused sperm wouldn’t start from here

My faith was so false

Bloody muppetry

Its merry Christmas not happy holidays

That’s political correctness

A little bloke with a chip on his shoulder

Is actually vertically challenged

And no genders are aloud

Sure, I’ll share a bottle with you friend

The Dead Sea scrolls

If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him

What a treasure lets go bury it".

Ugly sharks you can’t even eat them

He has a face like a basset hound

Still, he’s more to be pitied than scolded

Had sex in a cemetery once
no? Then you haven’t lived

Thanks, I will have some more

A certified bitch
drove first husband to shoot himself
suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism

I’m not ready to die

I want to leave something to show I was here

Something from a science fiction show,
I’ve suffered enough

You got arrested for stalking?

But not convicted

Damn every time I see a street sign,

I have an urge to relieve myself on it

Let’s sit awhile

The long blinks are setting in

I shall rest my eyes

WHATS IN A NAME (33)

Does anyone know is Brian Wilde?

Would anyone know was Karl Mild?

Does anyone know if Stephanie Tise?

Does anyone know is Dennis Wise?

SUPER VOLCANO

 

My wife and I sat down one Sunday night to watch, what we thought was a nice little medical drama on the BBC about a Super Eruption which we quite innocently believed to be about an epidemic of teenage acne.

Well, I can tell you that what we saw, and I not ashamed to say this, frightened the life out of us.

I haven’t seen my present wife that distressed since her latex glove split while she was worming the dog.

When I consulted the Radio Times to make sure we had been watching the right channel I noticed a BBC documentary, directly following the program on BBC2, on the very subject of the drama we had just watched. .

I knew we could rely on the BBC to put the true story and allay all our fears.

Now as a result of the documentary my wife has taken a handful of Valium and I’m writing this from the cupboard under the stairs we were not at all reassured and it seems fact is worse than fiction.

SMOKELESS ZONE

 

You're never quite sure

If it's against the law

To have a bonfire anymore

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 8

 

There is a corollary of lambast

Which should be printed in a book

Whenever an item is sought

It’s always in the last place you look

BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 2

 

I have found many reasons

Not to be foreign as yet

Such as not having to marry

A girl I have never met