50-50-90 RULE

 

There is a simple guide or tool

Called the 50-50-90 rule

If you have a 50-50 chance say

Of doing something correctly

There is a 90% probability

You'll get it wrong completely

HELL OH LOVER

 

It was once said by a lover

He’d go through hell for her

So, they got married and well

Now he is going through hell

THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 08: THE MARES OF DIOMEDES

Heracles when driven mad by the goddess Hera

Murdered his three children and his wife Megara

The Delphic oracle punished him for the murders

By ordering him to perform the Twelve Labors

The labors were set by his cousin king Eurystheus

The eighth labor for our hero and his squire Abderus

Was to captures the man-eating mares of Diomedes

The King of Thrace was fed to his horses by Heracles

He soon herded them down to the sea as he planned

Where he embarked them for Tiryns his homeland

Once he returned, they were released by Eurystheus

They were eaten by wild animals on Mount Olympus

SEXUAL POLITICS # 1

Never argue with a woman

Is a rule that’s tried and tested

Never argue with a woman

When she's tired or even rested

RULE BRITANNIA # 2

 

I am proud to be British

And the reason why

I am never expected

To fight giant octopi

THE KNICKER NICKER

 

When I used to travel to work in my car I used to pass through what  became the largest new housing development in Europe.

At the time I passed through the development the project was nearing its completion.

It took more than ten years to complete and it was the properties on the farthest fringe of the development which I witnessed from ground breaking to occupation.

During the building they looked like little rows of shoe boxes stood on end and I often chuckled to myself and wonder who would want to live in them, well five years later it was my wife and I.

That was some years ago now in that small almost newly built two up two down in a quiet Surrey cul-de-sac and I have to say we have never been happier than we were then.

We had great neighbours, who we are still in contact with to this day even though we have all scattered to the four winds.

One of the things that brought us together was our cats.

We had a black cat called Berry, short for Blackberry, who was given to us when she was a kitten by my brother in law as a wedding present and we still have her today although she’s getting on a bit.

When we lived in the shoebox she had a very embarrassing habit of invading other cat owners homes when we were out and we would return home from work to find her peering at us from the comfort of someone else’s house sitting on the window sill or on the back of their sofa.

But that was nothing compared to our next-door neighbours Carole and Johns cat Tabitha.

When we first knew them they had two cats Madeline and Emily who were both great buddies with our Berry but after Emily was killed on the road and Madeline ran away they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue centre.

Well, what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was very sweet but suffered with psychological problems.

It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.

Well while the humans were all at work and Berry was sleeping in someone else’s house Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion namely stealing from the neighbours.

She stole knickers, pants, socks and the occasional bra and when our first son was born, she even took bibs and booties.

The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines wash baskets and clothes airers though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items nothing soiled or unfresh.

We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.

The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing a room prior to decorating when he discovered nests of other people’s underwear.

This could have been awkward, and john might well have had some explaining to do it carol had found the pantie collection before he did.

I’m sure it was the cat.

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

Are you wearing winkle pickers?

And you don’t mind the snickers?

And when they ask it doesn’t offend?

“Do your toes go right to the end?”