GOOD POINT

 There are thirty-two points to the compass,

Meaning that there are thirty-two different ways

In which a spoon can squirt grapefruit juice

So why is it the eater gets it in the eye always

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 8

 

There is a corollary of lambast

Which should be printed in a book

Whenever an item is sought

It’s always in the last place you look

PROCRASTINATION

 

Never put off until tomorrow

What you can do the day after

Procrastinate today it maybe to late tomorrow

NOW is the time to do things later!

ANTI SOCIAL CLUB

 

I have been a non-smoker for the best part of four years now and I smoked for the previous thirty-two.

I gave up smoking because I decided it was the right thing to do at the time.

Not because it was bad for me or because apart from Cancer and Heart disease Smoking has been blamed for everything from Blindness to impotence, I wasn’t worried about my heath after all you always think it will never happen to you.

Nor was it because it has become such an anti-social habit spawning little clusters of social lepers huddled around doorways or rubbish bins.

No, I gave up because with a wife three children and a cat I just couldn’t afford it anymore.

I certainly didn’t stop because of the social Nazis, that annoying group of people who are not satisfied with living with their own lifestyle choices, not smoking, not eating meat, saving the planet, and inexplicably wearing beige but want to convert us too.

In fact, they are determined not to rest until we are a world of beige clad, non-smoking vegetarian tree huggers.

During my thirty-two-year reign as a satisfied smoker I never once tried to persuade a perfect stranger to light up nor have I ever suggested to a vegetarian that they “get their laughing gear around a chicken leg”.

Having said all that I would stress that I have urged anyone who’s favourite colour is beige to seek professional help.

I have also anonymously sent colour charts in the post to the more tragic sufferers.

Now I refer to these people as social Nazis these are of course not to be confused with Adolph Hitler’s National Socialist Party who ruled Germany.

Those Nazis quite frankly would never have dared to invade Poland if the storm troopers had had to wear beige.

But despite a very effective media campaign Cigarettes are not the personification of evil in the world today - alcohol is and the social Nazis need a dose realism and a refocusing of their energies onto a much more troubling situation in our society today namely alcohol induced anti-social behaviour.

Come Friday and Saturday night every town center in Britain is filled with drunken youth.

The young who cannot handle the booze that is so readily available and for them so affordable, spill out onto the street either to commit an assault on a fellow reveler or to be assaulted or perhaps to collapse in the night air and drown on their own vomit.

Yet we do nothing to stop it on the contrary we give evermore access to drinkers and we have made alcohol available 24/7.

So what in society is to blame?, Smoking, Kebab vans, coffee shops or bars, pubs and clubs?

Nobody wraps the car around a tree because they smoked too many Woodbines down the “Lamb and Faggott”, and a man doesn’t go home and beat his wife because he smoked a whole pack of Rothman’s.

Nobody gets stopped by the police for having exceeded the legal limit of chili sauce in their system.

Nobody starts a fight outside the kebab shop because “he looked at my girlfriend in a funny way” as a result of an overindulgence of kebab meat.

For me the answer is obvious, the car that crashed into the tree was driven by a drunk driver, the man who went home and beat his wife was a drunk, the driver stopped by the police was a drunk and as for the man outside the kebab shop well it was the eight pints of Stella he had down the pub before he arrived at the kebab house that made him want to fight.

I like a drink myself, but I do it in moderation but be in no doubt that left unchecked Alcohol ruins lives.

SO SUPERIOR # 5

 It’s so easy to feel superior

To almost every foreign nation

After all I live in a country where

Ex PM’s appear on live television

HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY – HERACLES

 

The son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmene was Heracles

And his twin by Alcmene and Amphitryon was Iphicles

Hera, the wife of Zeus was jealous of his last mortal son

And she decided on a path to vent her hate and anger on

So while he was still an infant Hera, wanting him dead

Sent a pair of serpents to kill him as he slept in his bed

But to Hera’s disappointment things didn’t go as planned

Heracles was found with a strangled serpent in each hand

 

Heracles is known as the strongest by far of all mortals

Stronger than many of the Gods and victorious in battles 

But offsetting his strength was a lack not of intelligence

But he did lack wisdom and had very little common sense

And it was his quick temper that often left him undone

Once when he was too hot, he threaten to shoot at the sun

His pride was easily offended and held grudges at length

And his appetites for life were as great as his strength

 

If he held grudges, he would still do anything for a friend

Once his anger passed, he was his fiercest critic in the end

He was too strong for anyone to force on him at any time

Any kind of a punishment no matter how bad the crime

That he was willing to do the most severe penance shows

That he had a fundamental sense of justice that he chose

During his many punishments Heracles shows us at length

Patience, fortitude and endurance as heroic as his strength

 

Many of the great deeds of Heracles occurred more or less

While doing a penance for acts of anger or carelessness

As a man His first heroic deed was the killing of a lion

Which had been savaging the countryside from Cithaeron

And then he defeated Erginus, who was the one exacting

An unjustified annual tribute from Creon the Theban king

In gratitude Creon the Theban king offered to the victor 

Heracles the hand in marriage his young daughter Megara

 

Lycus tried to seize the throne when Creon died years later

But Heracles soon put an end to that by killing the usurper

But in the rejoicing that follows, taking a hand again is Hera

Acting with anger and hatred that had never relented in her

She struck Heracles with a fit of madness at the celebration

And in a rage, he killed both Megara and their three children

The Delphic oracle decided as punishment for these murders

Heracles is ordered to perform as penance Twelve Labors

So not for the first time that he had to atone for his crimes

Since he had come of age Heracles had proved many times

His unerring marksmanship with bow and arrow and spear

A possessor of superhuman strength and a champion wrestler

He needed all of these for the labors set by one of his family

His cousin Eurystheus, who was king of Tiryns and Mycenae

By rights, Heracles should have had the crown upon his head

But Hera had tricked Zeus into crowning Eurystheus instead

 

To begin his labors Heracles had to kill the Nemean lion firstly

This he did by strangling the beast with his bare hands only

Then His second labor was to kill the many-headed hydra

This he did with Iolaus his nephew in the swamps of Lerna

Then his task was to capture the fleet footed Cerynitian hind

It was in Arcadia he caught it after it took him a year to find

He then returned once more to Arcadia for his fourth labor

On mount Erymanthus he captured the huge Erymanthian boar

 

Next was cleaning the Augean stables a task meant to demean  

But Heracles diverted two rivers to leave the stable yards clean

Once more he had to return to the stark wilderness of Arcadia

To find flesh eating Stymphalian birds and kills their number

The seventh labor involved a huge fire-breathing creature

The Cretan bull ravaging the countryside he had to capture

The mares of Diomedes then had to be brought to Eurystheus

This was achieved with the help of his young squire Abderus

 

He went to the land of the Amazons for the ninth of the labors

To steal the belt from Hippolyte the queen of the women warriors

For labor ten he was sent outside ancient Greece by Eurystheus

He captured the cattle of Geryon and killed Geryon and Orthrus

Stealing the apples of Hesperides was to be labor number eleven

This he did killing Ladon and securing help from Atlas the Titan

The twelfth and final labor for Heracles was to capture Cerberus

He dragged the hellhound from Hades and gave it to Eurystheus

 

Penance was done upon completion of the twelfth labor 

Though could not bring back the victims of the murder

In the years after as well as in between his great Labors

Heracles had a great many other adventures and chores

He was one of the Argonaut sailing with the hero Jason

Wielding a massive club which was his favorite weapon

He wore as a cloak the skin he took from the Nemean lion

It was his usual garb and as a helmet he had its head on

 

Heracles accomplished some amazing feats for a mortal

He once forced the god Poseidon to give way in battle

In another encounter he wounded Ares the god of war

And he wrestled the great god Zeus himself to a draw

The hero could move mountains that hindered his way

He could and did toss boulders about like pebbles all day

Heracles even relieved the Titan Atlas of his eternal burden

He stood and on his back supported the weight of heaven

 

So strong he was the deciding factor in battle with the Titans

Defeating the Giants and winning victory for the Olympians

When the Titanic sons of Gaia tried to storm the godly citadel

When a hail of flaming oaks and rocks almost won the battle

The deities of Mount Olympus would never have prevailed

Without Heracles and his bowmanship which never failed

His reward in recognition of his assistance in their victory

Was to become the only mortal born hero to become a deity

 

When Heracles allowed a centaur to ferry across a river

His wife Deianara on the other side the centaur attacked her

Heracles killed him with an arrow but before the Centaur died

He told her for a love potion to keep some blood he supplied

Deianara used some on Heracles' tunic to keep him faithful

But it contained Hydra poison from the arrow and was fatal

He used Hydra venom on the arrow, which Deianara didn’t see

And was poisoned when He donned the tunic dying in agony

 

On his funeral pyre lightning consumed his mortal remains    

And he was apotheosized by Zeus and joined the Olympians

So, he was given a home on Mount Olympus for eternity

And Heracles also married the lovely goddess of youth Hebe

But there was part of him had not come from Zeus his father

And that part had come from Alcmene his mortal mother

The mortal part of his soul went to the Underworld directly   

And in Company of heroes roams the Elysian Fields eternally

THAT’S HISTORY

Those who don't study the past

Will be condemned to repeat its errors

Those who do study the past

Will find other ways to bring us terrors