VERSATILE MUSIC MAN

 

My dad is a versatile music man

If anyone can play it then he can

He’s been seen playing the cello

In a hotel lounge in Portabello

Playing inprov jazz on tenor sax

For beer money on a street in Halifax

Even making a tune on a synthesizer

While drinking Irn bru and tizer

He’s very often been known to jam

In a seedy club in Amsterdam

Bash a tune out on the old Joanna

Down by the beach in copacabana

And strumming on guitar or banjo

For the businessmen of Tokyo

He’ll get a note out of a flugel horn

On the icy slopes of the Matterhorn

He’ll play anything from harmonica

To the clarinet euphonium or tuba

Double base trumpet or trombone

Triangle glockenspiel or xylophone

But my dad the versatile music man

Will never play the piano accordion

I NEED HELP

 

I need to get some help

But they won’t let me in

I’m going off the rails again

But they won’t let me in

I need to get some therapy

But they won’t let me in

My medication has run out

But they won’t let me in

I can’t stand the pace of life

But they won’t let me in

They helped me once before

Why won’t they let me in?

The only reason they give

“There’s no room at the bin”

CAUGHT

 

Remember men who fish

In another man’s water

Will often catch crabs

At least he bloody oughta

IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE

 

I will offer you this wise piece of advice

It’s a simple fact of life that never fails

It’s this “if you like to scratch your bum”

“You should never bite your fingernails”

BILLIARDS FOR ONE

 

My mum often used to say to me

Will you stop all that fiddle di di

Playing with yourself constantly

You will go blind just you mark me

I said to her with all due respects

I think I’ll carry on until I need specs

At the time I thought what a silly cow

I really wish I’d listened to her now

If only I had at least given it a try

I might at least have saved one eye

OH MY GOD

 

After a good night out

And I’ve had a drink or two

I've never been to bed

And I've bedded a few

With an ugly woman

Not even one or two

But I can tell you this

I've woken up with a few

PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY

 

My uncle had a parrot when I was young

It was a blue and yellow colored bird

He got it first when he was a naval man

And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard

 

It would swear in front of my old aunts

All the neighbors and even the reverend

Next time the punishment would be severe

After every outburst the parrot was warned

 

The bird thought they were empty threats

So, the parrot did swear a further time

And the punishment was extremely severe

He was thrown into the freezer for his crime

 

He was shivering and cold and very sorry

When he was let out after an hour or two

He apologized unreservedly but asked

Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?