WHAT?

Don’t let my karma

Run over your dogma

AT YOUR CONVENIENCE AGAIN

 

Watch the Absentminded man

When your need to visit the gents

Because he will unzip his jacket

Take out his tie and pee in his pants

COMPLAINTS TO THE LANDLORD

 

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord 

                                                          You may doubt it and you may even scoff

“I want some repairs done to my cooker

                                                          As it has backfired and burnt my knob off”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          This might sound made up or at least weird

“I wish to complain that the toilet is blocked

                                                          And we can’t bath the children until it’s cleared”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          If you don’t believe it then that’s hard cheese

“Could you send a man with the right tool

                                                          To finish the job and satisfy my wife please”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          With this you may find your belief decreases

 “I wish to report our lavatory seat has been

                                                          Broken in half and is now in three pieces”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          You may doubt it but I will let you gauge

“My poor father hurt his ankle badly when

                                                          He put his foot in the hole in his back passage”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          This might sound made up you may think

“Will you please send a man to look at my

                                                          Water it’s a funny color and not fit to drink”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          If you don’t believe it don’t bother “bitchin”

“As per our agreement I request permission

                                                          Formally to remove my draws in the kitchen”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          This one sounds doubtful that I must admit

“Our floor’s damp and we’ve two small kids

                                                          We’d like a third so send someone to do it”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          If you doubt me that’s ok, I won’t take offence

“I am writing about their eighteen-year-old son

                                                          Who’s always banging his balls against my fence”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          This might sound made up that I must admit

“My bush is really overgrown round the front

                                                          And my back passage now has fungus on it”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                          If you don’t believe it don’t complain at all

“I am writing to you on behalf of my sink

                                                          Which is coming away from the wall”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If you’re doubtful then that’s not unhealthy

“Half of the walls have crumbling plaster

                                                           Half are damp and the rest are just plain filthy”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If you doubt me that’s ok, I won’t make a fuss

“The man next door has a large erection in

                                                           His garden which is unsightly and dangerous”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           This might sound made up that I will assent

“Please send someone to mend the garden path

                                                           My wife tripped and now she is pregnant”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If you don’t believe it then simply disagree

“Every morning the farmers cock wakes me

                                                           Up and it’s now getting to much for me”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If your think it farfetched then that’s alright

“I live alone in a ground floor flat and bothered

                                                           By the noise from the man on top of me at night”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If you doubt me that’s ok then just ignore

“Please he’s got this huge tool that vibrates

                                                           The whole house and I just can’t take it anymore”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           This might sound made up but just a fraction

“I have had the clerk of works down on the floor

                                                           Six times but I still have had no satisfaction”

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord

                                                           If you don’t believe it then well that’s alright

“Tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof

                                                           I think it was the bad wind the other night”

If the above are actual complaints to landlords

                                                           And we no reason to question their validity

Is the reason poor literacy or typing errors?

                                                           More likely it’s due to “Care in the community”

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

 

When my Gran got out of bed

And suddenly felt chest pain

She knew that she had only

Stood on her nipples again

DON’T THROW IN THE TOWEL

 

Don’t throw in the towel

When times get tough

Because no matter how bad

No matter how rough

It doesn’t really help

Because you see

Throwing in the towel

Just makes more laundry

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

 

Women are not moody

Not a bit of it

It’s just they have days

When, let’s face it

They are not prepared

To put up with the shit

MEMORY MAN

I remember the words

To every number one

Since 1968

Every single one

But for some reason,

Not that anyone cares,

I can’t remember why

I walked up the stairs