ON BURNS NIGHT

 

On Burns Night

One thing you must do

Is to eat the Haggis

Before it eats you

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

 

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips

The Scots celebrate Burns night

They pipe it in with Bagpipes

And that’s really not right

What the hell is wrong with them

I thought they actually liked him

VIVA ESPANIA

One Sangria, Two Sangria, Three Sangria, Four

Five Bacardi, Six Bacardi, Seven Bacardi, More

Eight Tequila, Nine Tequila, Ten Tequila, Floor

REASONS TO BE A MAN

 

It’s good to be a man at any time of year or season.

And here are just a few to show the rhyme and reason.

Your Phone conversations are over in minutes or less.

You get credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You don’t have to ask where the oil goes in cars.

You don’t need to ask for help to open all your jars.

You don’t care if someone talks behind your back

You buy your underwear in threes for £10 a pack.

You don’t clean the house if the gas man is coming by

Nobody at work has the power to make you cry

You can always take your shirt off on a sunny day

If you do the same work you know you’ll get more pay.

You never have to worry what others are feeling

You can sit cross-legged no matter what you’re wearing.

Old friends don’t care whether you’ve gained weight

Beer guts don’t make you invisible to a potential mate.

You know if you need to go the world is your urinal

You never have to fake as all your orgasms are real

When queuing for the toilet the lines are always shorter.

Gray hair and wrinkles will only give you character.

Hot wax never comes anywhere near your pubic hairs

If you’re thirty-four and your still single nobody cares.

The size of your bum is not a factor when job hunting.

Foreplay is optional and Flowers will fix everything

You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.

And you don’t get overcharged by hairdressing twits

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

One suitcase is all you need for a summer vacation.

You can go to the bathroom without your friends

Car mechanics don’t patronize you about big ends.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough to own

The remote-control handset is yours and yours alone

You don’t have to like them to have sex with them

No one looks at your chest when you talk to them

You know that there’s always a game on somewhere.

And you have a simple relationship with your mother.

You don’t have to shave anything below your head

You don’t have to curl up to a hairy man in bed.

Nudity in films is nearly always of the female variety

You never have to remember a birthday or an anniversary

You don’t care if no one notices your new hairstyle

And you can write your name in the snow and smile.

The ambitions are simple to which you aspire.

Just to become a dirty old man is all you desire.

THE FATHER AND SISTER GRACE

A Nun and a Priest set off to cross the desert.

On a camel to find nomadic souls to convert

On the third day out, the camel dropped dead.

They were left to the mercy of the sun overhead.

The Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

And spent some time in silent contemplation.

After a long period, the Priest broke the silence.

"Well, Sister” he spoke with great assurance.

“Things look pretty hopeless." He said grimly.

"Yes, father, I know" She answered calmly.

He suggested that they had maybe a day or two.

The Nun concurred and tipped sand from her shoe.

"My child since we are unlikely to leave this place.

Would you do something for me Sister Grace?"

"Anything Father, whatever you ask is yours.”

"I’ve never seen women's breasts; can I see yours”?

Though shocked at first, she considered carefully.

“I don't see why not,” Grace said agreeing fully.

The Nun opened her habit and bared her breasts.

As the priest enjoyed them, he had another request.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them fondly?"

She then consented and he fondled them eagerly.

She said, "Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister, what would you like me to do?”

"I have never seen a man's thingy could I see yours?"

"Well yes OK," he said unbuttoning his drawers.

"Oh, may I touch it?" she said after close inspection.

The priest consented and soon had an erection.

“This can give life if inserted in the proper place.”

The priest said trembling to the young Sister Grace.

"Is that true father?" "Yes, sister." Answered her peer.

"Then stick it in the camel so we can get out of here.” 

MANLY COMPUTERS

 

Some reasons to believe computers exude maleness

Firstly they have a lot of data, but remain clueless

They are supposed to solve all of your problems

But most of the time they are the main problems

As soon as you commit to one, to your great surprise 

Had you waited you’d have got a better one you realize

You have to turn them on to get their attention, right?

And power surges knock them out for the rest of the night