Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says its
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

A Little Bit Of Humour # 134

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

A Little Bit Of Humour # 133

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall

HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST

He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar

I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE

I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free

ELEVATED SHOE

My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8

Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away

WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED

When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 132

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7

“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!

MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT

My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS

I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.

STEP BROTHER

When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you

SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE

Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive

A Little Bit Of Humour # 131

HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8

My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates

EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381

Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta

REMEMBER THE FIFTH

Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up

IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN

It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS

I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood

IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION

If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?

A Little Bit Of Humour # 130

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill

I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION

I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open

WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET

When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons

I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE

I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections

A PENNY’S WORTH

Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?

I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON

I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring

WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK

Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST

My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5

The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares