21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall
HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST
He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar
I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE
I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free
ELEVATED SHOE
My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8
Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED
William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously
KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR
Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away
WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED
When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor
APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1
Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 132
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7
“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”
THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!
MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT
My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS
I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.
STEP BROTHER
When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you
SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE
Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”
I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION
I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play
SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT
Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7
“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”
THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!
MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT
My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS
I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.
STEP BROTHER
When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you
SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE
Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”
I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION
I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play
SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT
Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 131
HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8
My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates
EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN
Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381
Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6
She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up
IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN
It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS
I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood
IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION
If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8
My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates
EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN
Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381
Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6
She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up
IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN
It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS
I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood
IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION
If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 130
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill
I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION
I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open
WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET
When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons
I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE
I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections
A PENNY’S WORTH
Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?
I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON
I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free
I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER
I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring
WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK
Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT
If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys
MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST
My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5
The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill
I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION
I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open
WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET
When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons
I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE
I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections
A PENNY’S WORTH
Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?
I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON
I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free
I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER
I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring
WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK
Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT
If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys
MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST
My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5
The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares
A Little Bit Of Humour # 129
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
A Little Bit Of Humour # 128
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street
WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS
Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam
MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP
Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality
I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR
I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3
Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3
Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality
PTERODACTYL
None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P
MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER
My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street
WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS
Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam
MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP
Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality
I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR
I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3
Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3
Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality
PTERODACTYL
None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P
MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER
My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you
A Little Bit Of Humour # 127
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top
IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS
If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”
PUT DOWN # 62
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4
My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson
WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2
The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2
Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim
PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON
Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties
WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN
Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
SEX TOY STORY
Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser
ON MY BED AT HOME # 2
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top
IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS
If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”
PUT DOWN # 62
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4
My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson
WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2
The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2
Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim
PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON
Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties
WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN
Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
SEX TOY STORY
Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser
ON MY BED AT HOME # 2
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress
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