Shrovetide

SHROVETIDE

Shrovetide begins on Egg Saturday
Heralding the coming of lent
And deciding what to give up
Is normally the way it is spent

EGG SATURDAY

The first day of Shrovetide
Is Shrove or Egg Saturday
An Oxfordshire tradition
Sometimes called egg feast day

QUINQUAGESIMA SUNDAY

The second day of Shrovetide
Shrove Sunday or Quinquagesima
Celebrated in the Christian church
As the fiftieth day before Easter

COLLOP MONDAY

The third day of Shrovetide
Once known as Collop Monday
Named after Collops of bacon
A traditional dish of the day
Which was served with eggs
It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday

NICKANAN NIGHT

Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening
Was a time for boys to commit petty crime
Now we don’t have it on one special night
Instead now it appears to happen all the time

THE PANCAKE DAY RACE

The Pancake Day race was a popular event
And was held amidst much happy hoorays
Until the runners became too competitive
And behaved like parents on sports days

ASH WEDNESDAY

There is a religious reason
Why it is a significant day
But cremated pancake on the hob
Is the only ash around our way

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?

What do you call the day?
That comes after Ash Wednesday
And before kissing Friday
Well we just call it Thursday

KISSING FRIDAY

The tradition of kissing Friday
Was called Nippy Hug Day
When Leicestershire men
Could demand on that day
A kiss from any woman
Of his choice by custom
And if she was to refuse
He could then pinch her bum
But since world war two
Kissing Friday doesn’t apply
It has fallen from favour
I can’t understand why

A Little Bit Of Humour # 109

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white

WINKS IS AN ACRONYM

WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP

I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any

SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM

She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git

MORNGY THURSDAY

At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums

ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?

Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks

THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY

Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days

DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN

Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play

DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day

IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR

If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy

IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE

If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead

Halloween Tales 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A SPOOKY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a spooky sweater?
Well there’s no attempt to hide
The ample contents so I would say
You could turn me to the dark side

SHE MAY BE A WITCH

She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poety
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Halloween Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
The skeleton motive I should mention
Is not needed to attract my attention

THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET

They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and dandy
But they’re vicious little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all your candy

ARE YOU WEARING TOE OF NEWT?

Are you wearing toe of newt?
Is it part of a witchy spell?
Is it the witchy version of GHB?
I’m so smitten I cannot tell

DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE

Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Shake it shake it at the double
Don’t drink much or you’re in trouble

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN HAT?

Are you wearing a Halloween Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gruesome little tit for tat
With fangs dripping crimson red

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TOP?

Are you wearing a Halloween Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Halloween Cardigan?
A cardigan? On all hallows eve
A cardy doesn’t say “night of the dead”
So I don’t think you really believe

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Halloween waistcoat?
Oh I like the way the buttons glow
And the whole thing luminesces
It really is very Edgar Allan Poe

Halloween Tales 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?
It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view
So if you don’t mind my saying so
You’re not a proper witch are you?

I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH JUMPER?

Are you wearing a ghoulish Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
I don’t think you’re one of those kooks
And that’s a lovely pair of spooks

I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL

I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little bitch
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Halloween earrings?
They rather fill me with dread?
Please answer me one question
Are they real shrunken heads?

THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TIE?

Are you wearing a Halloween tie?
If that’s what it’s supposed to be
Well what is it if it’s not a tie?
Oh god it’s alive and wriggly

DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL

Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast a withering spell
All answering the ring of the Halloween bell

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPED STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing striped stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like necrotic candy canes

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN DRESS?

Are you wearing a Halloween Dress?
Well it’s really just a black shapeless thing
But I suppose it’s all right as it goes
If I get to find out what’s under the thing

A Little Bit Of Humour # 108

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy

DINKY IS AN ACRONYM

DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get

NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION

No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED

The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children

THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR

There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist

APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE

Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations

LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY

She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”

WE CAN MAKE LOVE

“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score

A Little Bit Of Humour # 107

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10

While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again

NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM

NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard

ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS

On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”

THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM

They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS

Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade

MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS

My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon

WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL

When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised

THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED

The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up

A Little Bit Of Humour # 106

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9

When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes

BANANA IS AN ACRONYM

BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO

I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”

WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY

Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal

NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL

Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night

CORBYN!

Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga