Tales of Love # 20

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 1

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I'd see you fall asleep
I would have stayed
A little longer and
Lingered at your bedside
Holding your hand
As you slipped
Silently away
To be at peace

AS STREAKS OF GOLD APPEAR IN THE WESTERN SKY

As streaks of gold appear in the western sky
I look into her hypnotic green eyes and sigh
With her in my arms and romance in my heart,
As the sunset glowed, I vowed we’d never part

THE SLIGHTEST TWINKLE

The slightest twinkle
Was evident
In her shining eyes
The hint of a smile
Played about her lips
And her mouth
Went up at the corners
Almost unperceptively
Her whole countenance
Held in that moment
On the brink
And as the words
Left my lips
The status quo
Was swept away
As the delight
Spread across her face
And my question
Was answered
In the affirmative

WHO’S STORY OF LOVE

Who’s story of love
Is written in the stars
Is it the Greeks of old?
Or could it be ours?

HER FATHER DRANK BLACK BITTER COFFEE

Her father drank black bitter coffee
Her mother sipped earl grey tea
As I stood before her parents
I was full of fear and anxiety

It was a very daunting experience
And it was not at all as I planned
I was there for a noble purpose
To ask for their daughters hand

As the object of my attentions
Sat demurely drinking her juice
Her father started choking
And mother turned strangely puce

We left the house hand in hand
Running head long from the pair
They had both forbad consent
But the lovers really didn’t care

So they went to the Savoy Hotel
And ordered chilled Chardonnay
which came in crystal goblets
Carried on a large silver tray

They sat in luxury surroundings
Until the bottle was empty
And their hearts were full of love
And their future was full of plenty

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 2

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I would see you
Walk out the door
I would have
Called you back
And hugged and kissed
You even more

MY STRAWBERRY BLONDE

My strawberry blonde
Always topped my list
With Alabaster skin,
Apple blossom kissed
Smooth and silken soft
Just as I had wished
But that was long ago
Now she is sadly missed

WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES TOGETHER

We have lived our lives together
And we have reached our Novembers
The once burning fires of our lives
Have been reduced to meagre embers
And yet we can still look forward
To us both sharing our Decembers

I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME

I miss you all the time
You were my shining sun
And there is an emptiness
But when all said and done
There’s nothing lonelier
Than dinner for one

THE SUN AND MOON

The sun and moon
Where once in love
But the sun burned hot
With want and desire
While the moon
Was cool and aloof
So they were destined
To be Star-crossed
For all eternity

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 3

If I had only known
It would be the last time
That I would ever see you
I would have stayed
A moment longer
And lingered at your bedside
As I said goodbye
And told you once again
How much I loved you

MESMERISING CHARMS

Mesmerising charms
Led me to her arms
A loving place
So why should I run?

Love in my heart
I want to share
But I hold back
And I want to run

Fear is the key,
A deep fear in me
Of being hurt
So I want to run

I need the key
To unlock the chains
That bind my heart
So I won’t run

I LOOK BACK FONDLY

I look back fondly
To those early days
When we would sit together
On the winter evenings
Beside the roaring fire
And we would sit and talk
Laughing and chatting
In the orange glow
Late into the evening
Until the embers cooled

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE

The grass is always greener
And the senses were keener
So I committed a misdemeanour

And when away she flew
To her green pastures new
My foolish heart was torn in two

True Nature # 6

THE SUFFOLK PUNCH

The Suffolk Punch
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Punch
Work horse of the land

HEAVEN SENT APRIL SHOWERS

Heaven sent April showers
Will bring the May flowers
And after spring has begun
Soon comes the summer sun

SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 1

Sweet memories of our childhood
Those days of youth were the best
Golden Septembers in the fields
Gathering the bounty of the harvest

AS THE LENGTHENING DAYS WARM UP

As the lengthening days warm up
When the north is on the cusp
The ice begins to speak or sing
Heralding the arrival of spring

SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 2

Sweet memories of our childhood
Sunny days bright and pleasant
Cold crisp Novembers on the heath
Beating the bracken for the Pheasant

ON THE PLANTATION

On the plantation
Nothing can be finer
Than a bevy of Quail
In South Carolina

IN THE AUTUMN

In the Autumn
The shoot is very pleasant
And we end the day
With a bevy of pheasant

UP ON THE MOOR

Up on the Moor
The birds take flight
On the glorious 12th
They leave the hill
With a bevy of Grouse
The trappings of wealth

THE SUN BURSTS THROUGH THE CURTAINS

The sun bursts through the curtains
As dawn brings forth another day
And bids us waken from our rest
With every golden warming ray

THE SUFFOLK HORSE

The Suffolk Horse
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Horse
Work horse of the land

IN SHADES OF RED AND ORANGE

In shades of red and orange
The sky burns with fire
Clouds in sunset are illuminated
Like smoke in a funeral pyre

BEYOND THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS

Beyond the snow-capped mountains
A brand new dawn breaks
Night moved onward into light
Across the land and the lakes

THEY CLIMB WITH STRENGTH AND GRACE

They climb with strength and grace
And ramble wide and free
They stand alone as Floribunda
Standard or Hybrid Tea
The glorious English rose
Beautiful flower of history

WHEN WINTERS BITE IS TAMED

When winters bite is tamed
Spring brings forth the shoots
Then summer scents the flowers
And the autumn earns the fruits

LET THE WIND HOWL

Let the wind howl
Let the tempest blow
Bring forth the rain
Bring forth the snow
Then let the frost bite
Let the ice crack
Then we can get
The winter sun back

THE SUFFOLK SORREL

The Suffolk Sorrel
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Sorrel
Work horse of the land

A Little Bit Of Humour # 97

ARE YOU WEARING WINGS?

Are you wearing wings?
And what are those other things?
A stick? And scales of justice?
Oh crikey are you my Nemesis

ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?

Are you wearing a crown?
Oh Charles please put it down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You know you will never be King

ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?

Are you wearing the boss’s hat?
I laugh when you call me that
And based on what I spend on kebabs
Either on my own or with the lads
It all adds up to a fair amount of money
Calling me boss is too true to be funny

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE FOOTWEAR?

Are you wearing Sensible Footwear?
They are a kind of stout boot
And with your skinny legs
I think you look rather cute

FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S

Fast food Drive through’s
I’m afraid, are a step too far
And I find them quite expensive
By the time you’ve hired a car

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”
I was told “don’t do it ever”
Unless of course it was you
Who actually ran them over

IT WAS DURING A CHESS GAME

It was during a Chess game
That I remember him saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So we agreed to stop playing

IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT

It’s not really any comfort
If someone dies while doing
Something that they loved
When they were doing Heroin

AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE

After ten years of marriage
I am divorced by choice
Regrettably I have to say
That it wasn’t my choice

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?

How often have you heard it said?
“I am taking it one day at a time”
Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all
That is after all the nature of time

THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH

“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”
That was my sex education as my mother said
So as we were very naïve back then, so for the first
Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds

WHAT IS THE POINT FOR WOMAN

What is the point for woman of a certain age
Wearing a see through negligee
When all the men of her acquaintance aren’t able
To see through it anyway

I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS

I’m dating a pair of skinny twins
They’re little more than skin and bone
And they are anorexic, it’s rather like
A case of two birds and one stone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 96

ARE YOU WEARING ERMINE?

Are you wearing Ermine?
Oh Charles put the robe down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You will never wear the crown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, open the door
Five, six, cocktail sticks
Seven, eight, in a bit of a state
Nine, ten, pissed again

ARE YOU WEARING A TUXEDO?

Are you wearing a tuxedo?
It’s so loud it makes a racket
No James Bond doesn’t wear one
He wears a proper dinner jacket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
Until the day that it came to be
He was investigate by Yew Tee

ARE YOU WEARING CONVERSE?

Are you wearing Converse?
Footwear for casual strolls
You know when I was a boy
They were called plimsolls

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350

On top of Old Smoky,
All covered with snow
The great sleeping giant
Was ready to blow

ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?

Are you wearing an Alice band?
Oh how perfectly droll
For a freaky looking bloke
Do you go down the rabbit hole?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348

Girls and boys, come out to play
The moon doth shine as bright as day
They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap
And end up legless in the street

ARE YOU WEARING BRAZILIANS?

Are you wearing Brazilians?
It’s very bold of you to mention
Oh they’re some kind of knickers
I clearly wasn’t paying attention
I must admit my mind wandered
When I heard you say Brazilian

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating of curds and whey;
And if you ever wondered
What a tuffet is
You’ll find them on Ebay

A Little Bit Of Humour # 95

ARE YOU WEARING A TANK TOP?

Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours

ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?

Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336

There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto

ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?

Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place

ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?

Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352

Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker

ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?

Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346

As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation

A Little Bit Of Humour # 94

ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?

Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error

SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM

SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?

Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?

Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337

As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective

A Little Bit Of Humour # 93

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340

Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her

ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?

Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy

SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge

THE VET SAID

The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY

If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean

MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON

My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze

MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST

My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?

Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell