A Little Bit Of Humour # 97

ARE YOU WEARING WINGS?

Are you wearing wings?
And what are those other things?
A stick? And scales of justice?
Oh crikey are you my Nemesis

ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?

Are you wearing a crown?
Oh Charles please put it down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You know you will never be King

ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?

Are you wearing the boss’s hat?
I laugh when you call me that
And based on what I spend on kebabs
Either on my own or with the lads
It all adds up to a fair amount of money
Calling me boss is too true to be funny

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE FOOTWEAR?

Are you wearing Sensible Footwear?
They are a kind of stout boot
And with your skinny legs
I think you look rather cute

FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S

Fast food Drive through’s
I’m afraid, are a step too far
And I find them quite expensive
By the time you’ve hired a car

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”
I was told “don’t do it ever”
Unless of course it was you
Who actually ran them over

IT WAS DURING A CHESS GAME

It was during a Chess game
That I remember him saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So we agreed to stop playing

IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT

It’s not really any comfort
If someone dies while doing
Something that they loved
When they were doing Heroin

AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE

After ten years of marriage
I am divorced by choice
Regrettably I have to say
That it wasn’t my choice

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?

How often have you heard it said?
“I am taking it one day at a time”
Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all
That is after all the nature of time

THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH

“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”
That was my sex education as my mother said
So as we were very naïve back then, so for the first
Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds

WHAT IS THE POINT FOR WOMAN

What is the point for woman of a certain age
Wearing a see through negligee
When all the men of her acquaintance aren’t able
To see through it anyway

I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS

I’m dating a pair of skinny twins
They’re little more than skin and bone
And they are anorexic, it’s rather like
A case of two birds and one stone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 96

ARE YOU WEARING ERMINE?

Are you wearing Ermine?
Oh Charles put the robe down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You will never wear the crown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, open the door
Five, six, cocktail sticks
Seven, eight, in a bit of a state
Nine, ten, pissed again

ARE YOU WEARING A TUXEDO?

Are you wearing a tuxedo?
It’s so loud it makes a racket
No James Bond doesn’t wear one
He wears a proper dinner jacket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
Until the day that it came to be
He was investigate by Yew Tee

ARE YOU WEARING CONVERSE?

Are you wearing Converse?
Footwear for casual strolls
You know when I was a boy
They were called plimsolls

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350

On top of Old Smoky,
All covered with snow
The great sleeping giant
Was ready to blow

ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?

Are you wearing an Alice band?
Oh how perfectly droll
For a freaky looking bloke
Do you go down the rabbit hole?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348

Girls and boys, come out to play
The moon doth shine as bright as day
They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap
And end up legless in the street

ARE YOU WEARING BRAZILIANS?

Are you wearing Brazilians?
It’s very bold of you to mention
Oh they’re some kind of knickers
I clearly wasn’t paying attention
I must admit my mind wandered
When I heard you say Brazilian

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating of curds and whey;
And if you ever wondered
What a tuffet is
You’ll find them on Ebay

A Little Bit Of Humour # 95

ARE YOU WEARING A TANK TOP?

Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours

ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?

Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336

There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto

ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?

Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place

ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?

Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352

Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker

ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?

Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346

As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation

A Little Bit Of Humour # 94

ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?

Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error

SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM

SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?

Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?

Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337

As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective

A Little Bit Of Humour # 93

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340

Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her

ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?

Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy

SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge

THE VET SAID

The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY

If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean

MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON

My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze

MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST

My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?

Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell

All This And World War Too

PUT DOWN YOUR PEN

Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes

HUMPH

On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE

She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur

THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM

Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done

LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS

When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC

She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.

OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE

Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride

AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED

The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance

DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK

Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding

THE WHISTLES BLEW

The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches

ON THE HOME-FRONT

On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire

BLOOD SWEPT LANDS

What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance

HAVING WON THE WAR

Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly

Pancake Week

SHROVE TUESDAY

Since before the Christian era
Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day
Was celebrated far and wide
And was originally a pagan holiday

Changing seasons was a struggle
Between Jarilo the God of brightness
Vegetation, fertility and springtime
And the evil spirits of cold and darkness

So they had to help the God Jarilo
And victory meant spring had begun
So they cooked and ate pancakes
Hot and round symbolizing the sun

ASH WEDNESDAY

Ashes are placed on the heads
Of worshipers on Ash Wednesday,
Either by being sprinkled or
More often the traditional way
By being marked as a visible cross
On their foreheads on the day

ASH WEDNESDAY FIRST DAY OF LENT

The palm branches blessed on Palm Sunday,
Are the following year, burnt and blessed again
And placed on the heads of the participants
To the accompaniment of the familiar refrain
"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”
And the Lenten season has begun once again