A Little Bit Of Humour # 92

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 366

Five little speckled frogs
Sat on a great big log
But they were soon to become
A delicious entre yum, yum

ARE YOU WEARING A SNOOD?

Are you wearing a snood?
Well I don’t like to be rude
But isn’t it a bit of a palaver
And it looks like a balaclava

I'VE SWALLOWED SOME

I've swallowed some of my
Scrabble tiles accidentally
I’m afraid when nature takes
It course it could spell tragedy

I CAN HEAR REALLY ANNOYING MUSIC

I can hear really annoying music
And it’s getting to be a real pain
It’s emanating from inside my printer
I think the paper's jammin' again

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING

I was just sitting there thinking
And wondered why absentmindedly
The baseball was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE STAND

I was just sitting in the stand
And wondered why absentmindedly
The football was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE

Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone
It’s not like I fell for her out of habit
And can I say I’m only human after all
So is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?

MY MUM GAVE ME THE SEX TALK

My mum gave me the sex talk
And during it she told me what to do
“You don’t have to put anything
In your mouth that you don’t want to”
Well I thought about it for a while
And then I stopped eating tofu

HE ASKED ME A QUESTION

He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty eight days?
And I didn’t recognise it
As an insult for several days

A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE

A suspect in the Alaskan murder case
Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch
When he asked "So tell me where you
Were on the night of September to March?"

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE

I really enjoyed our date
I’m so glad that you rang
It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes
Night that ended with a bang

I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN

I think Google is a woman because
It won't let me finish my question
Or a sentence for that matter, before
It starts making other suggestions

A Little Bit Of Humour # 91

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 365

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home

ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?

Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet

I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT

I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn

THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it

I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT

I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked

I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT

I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached

I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off

I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY

I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless

OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE

Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”

I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE

I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame

DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER

Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side

A Little Bit Of Humour # 90

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 364

King and Queen of Cantelon,
How many miles to Babylon?
Well that would depend upon
Where you are starting from

ARE YOU WEARING A SHELL SUIT?

Are you wearing a shell suit?
Well don’t you just look cute
But I know where you are heading
And it’s not suitable for a wedding

EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES

Eight out of ten inner city males
Have had sex in the shower, they admit
However the other twenty percent
It would seem haven't been to prison yet

BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

Business conventions are important
They demonstrate without a doubt
Exactly how many employees that
A company can operate without

YOU HAVE THIRTY PAIRS

You have thirty pairs
Of shoes, more or less
And standing in the room
In obvious distress
Won’t make me choose
No matter how much you press
The appropriate pair
To go with that dress

MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED

My wife and I are separated
And the reason why we parted
She started all conversations
After the programs had started

NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS

Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins
In the wild are falling faster and faster
Biologists and Environmentalists
Are all predicting a Turtle disaster

THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME

The recruitment consultant asked me
“What do you think of voluntary work”?
“To be honest with you I wouldn't do it
If you paid me” I replied with a smirk

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS YOUR WAY

No matter what life throws your way
The future is the cure for all sorrow
And nicest thing about the future is
That it will always start tomorrow

THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS

The police are being issued with pencils and
Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech
It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that
When crimes occur they can trace a suspect

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

The Blizzard of Oz
Continued to blow
Until the yellow brick road
Was covered in snow

MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM

My doctor is a Locum
Who replaced Dr Slocombe
And all I get is Hokum
With a sprinkling of bunkum
But I have my heath so Ho hum

A Little Bit Of Humour # 89

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 363

How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?

Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11

If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric

WHENEVER WE ARGUE

Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail

MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY

Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents

I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE

I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore

BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture

ESKIMO FISHERMEN

Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 88

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John

ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?

Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10

If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8

Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time

MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM

MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler

I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY

I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading

HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY

Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know

MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN

My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause

IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST

If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK

I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW

I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face

A Little Bit Of Humour # 87

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 361

A Frog he went a courting,
Well it’s not like he has
Anything else to do since
He lost the French Presidency

ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?

Are you wearing a mankini?
Well the coverage is teeny
And you’re as fat as Mussolini
And I can see you’re weeny

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9

If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker without a doubt

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7

I hate it when buying sunglasses
When I find a pair I want to try
And that stupid little plastic thing
Dangles right in front of my eye

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE

Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the marriage was a mistake
He decided to divorce his wife
After he found out she was a flake

HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S

Hooray Henrys and Henrietta’s
Don’t act like our social better’s
The so called cream of society
Can’t even achieve regular sobriety

Flaunting their wealth and partying
They’re behaviour makes me sick
And they’re only really the cream
Because they are all rich and thick

IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING

It was a flamboyant thing
With a corresponding price tag
But a Black Forest Gateaux
Was really a sponge cake in drag

SINCE YOU WALKED OUT ON ME

Since you walked out on me
As an act of defiance
Each morning I sit and eat
Breakfast in my pants
But I have discovered
Its little consolation
And I actually miss
Your personal hygiene rants

COACH JOSÉ MOURINHO

Coach José Mourinho
Likes to strut and preen
But doesn’t like to lose
And likes to cause a scene
He’s always crying foul
As he’s a real drama queen

I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT

I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Has a particularly dirty habit
Which she won’t like me mentioning
As it involves a rampant rabbit

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS

You can keep your Golden Delicious
I don’t want to eat them anymore
I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting
So a Cox’s apple is quality to the core

DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
And their sex life has come a cropper
Not much is known about their condition
But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper

A Little Bit Of Humour # 86

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360

There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning

ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?

Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8

If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER

Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6

When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view

WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS

When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth

THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE

The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease

IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS

It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”

WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas

I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS

I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree

I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE

I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green

MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY

My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out