Thursday, 5 February 2015

A Little Bit Of Humour # 89

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 363

How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?

Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11

If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric

WHENEVER WE ARGUE

Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail

MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY

Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents

I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE

I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore

BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture

ESKIMO FISHERMEN

Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 88

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John

ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?

Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10

If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8

Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time

MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM

MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler

I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY

I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading

HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY

Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know

MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN

My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause

IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST

If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK

I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW

I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face

A Little Bit Of Humour # 87

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 361

A Frog he went a courting,
Well it’s not like he has
Anything else to do since
He lost the French Presidency

ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?

Are you wearing a mankini?
Well the coverage is teeny
And you’re as fat as Mussolini
And I can see you’re weeny

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9

If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker without a doubt

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7

I hate it when buying sunglasses
When I find a pair I want to try
And that stupid little plastic thing
Dangles right in front of my eye

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE

Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the marriage was a mistake
He decided to divorce his wife
After he found out she was a flake

HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S

Hooray Henrys and Henrietta’s
Don’t act like our social better’s
The so called cream of society
Can’t even achieve regular sobriety

Flaunting their wealth and partying
They’re behaviour makes me sick
And they’re only really the cream
Because they are all rich and thick

IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING

It was a flamboyant thing
With a corresponding price tag
But a Black Forest Gateaux
Was really a sponge cake in drag

SINCE YOU WALKED OUT ON ME

Since you walked out on me
As an act of defiance
Each morning I sit and eat
Breakfast in my pants
But I have discovered
Its little consolation
And I actually miss
Your personal hygiene rants

COACH JOSÉ MOURINHO

Coach José Mourinho
Likes to strut and preen
But doesn’t like to lose
And likes to cause a scene
He’s always crying foul
As he’s a real drama queen

I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT

I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Has a particularly dirty habit
Which she won’t like me mentioning
As it involves a rampant rabbit

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS

You can keep your Golden Delicious
I don’t want to eat them anymore
I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting
So a Cox’s apple is quality to the core

DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
And their sex life has come a cropper
Not much is known about their condition
But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper

A Little Bit Of Humour # 86

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360

There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning

ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?

Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8

If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER

Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6

When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view

WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS

When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth

THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE

The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease

IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS

It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”

WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas

I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS

I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree

I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE

I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green

MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY

My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out

A Little Bit Of Humour # 85

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology

ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?

Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7

If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5

There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level

FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY

Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall

THE GENERAL CONSENSUS

The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick

AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER

An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly

DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS

Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you

MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST

My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind

MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS

My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers

GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN

George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax

THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT

The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife


A Little Bit Of Humour # 84

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 358

Hey diddle diddle
Someone’s on the fiddle
It will probably be
Another celebrity
Not paying their tax

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

We learned about food groups today at school
Confections, vegetables, meat and protein
Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes
But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan gear
Because if your kilt flares up
There will be a raucous cheer

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6

If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic
But it will be far worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4

Is there anything more annoying?
Than when checking your tyre pressure
And you're trying to get a reading
Your pressure gauge lets out half the air

FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT

Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out
It made his heartbeat quicken
So he wouldn’t even cross the road
Because he was a chicken

OVER CHRISTMAS THE AMBULANCE SERVICE

Over Christmas the ambulance service
Were “super busy”, meaning it was hectic
I’ve never heard that unit of measurement
So I’m not sure if it’s imperial or metric

WHEN WILLIAM JOINED THE ARMY

When William joined the army
He struggled with some of the drill
But the thing he hated the most
Was when they said “fire at will”

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the trick
When life gives you melons
You’re probably dyslexic

WHEN I GO AND PLAY GOLF

When I go and play golf, there
Is something I’ve always done
I take a second pair of Trousers
Just in case I get a hole in one

HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT

Here is an interesting fact
Which should come as no surprise
The inventor of the humble
Door knocker won the No-bell prize

POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC

Poetry can be very romantic
But it doesn’t work for all
And it doesn’t really count if
You write it on a toilet wall

A Little Bit Of Humour # 83

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 357

Did you ever see a lassie?
A lassie, a lassie?
I’m not sure terms of endearment
Of that kind are strictly PC

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?

Are you wearing a denim shirt?
Well if I may be so bold
Whether it’s in fashion or not
You manage to make it look old

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 5

If your blind date is described to you
As “passionate and beautiful” don’t try her
Because in all probability she’ll be
A Sloppy drunk and a pathological liar

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3

Is there anything more annoying? As when
You want to use a word but can’t spell it
And fail to look it up in the dictionary
Because you don't know how to spell it

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,
Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,
During the process of preparation
Are absolutely devoid of calories

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Have all chosen to assemble
Their very own chicken choir
Which is called a Hensemble

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

I don’t know what to do
About all the sex, nudity,
Foul language and violence
On my DVD

CHOCOLATE BUTTONS

Chocolate buttons have always
Struck me as being rather rude
You may think it strange but
After all they’re Smartie’s in the nude

A COUPLE OF WOMEN

A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere together
If you please
And I’ve never seen a man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be Lebanese

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the officer’s mess
Because I’d have one too many margarita’s
And it always ends in distress

WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION

When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom
I was merely wondering if you happened
To have a suitable raincoat to put on

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from shore
And my life passed before my eyes
God it was a total bore