A Little Bit Of Humour # 50

ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?

Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?

PIZZA FAME

When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower

YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR

You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow

I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND

I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square

GET A PENIS ENLARGER

“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly

JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL

John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job

WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN

When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries

DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING

Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six

HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White

JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC

Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk

Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind

The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures

HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH

His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE

I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318

Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?


ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?

Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 49

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR FUN?

Are you wearing it for fun?
Well that a very funny one
But what’s even funnier
Is that your flies are undone

TAKEAWAYS

When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have takeaways
Except in maths which were
Called subtraction in olden days

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317

Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean

ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?

Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that

I GOT A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY

I got a Tablet for my Birthday
My wife said “Hip hip hooray”
And I lost all interest in the plasma
When I saw it was Viagra

OPTIMISTS SEE THE WORLD

Optimists see the world,
Each and every day anew
Through Rose tinted lenses
The tint of mine is blue
Which colour my world
With everything I view

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO

If you get an email or two
About catching Swine Flu
From tinned cooked ham
Delete them as its Spam

WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED

When I was a kid I was covered
In chocolate cake dough
Cherries and whipped cream
Life was hard in the gateau

SHE SAID SHE LIKED THE FOUR SEASONS

She said she liked the four seasons
When we first met
So for our first anniversary
I bought her a cruet set

FILTRATION IS ONE OF THE PROCESSES

Filtration is one of the processes
By which water can be made safe to drink
Flirtation is one of the processes
By which couples can see what they think

IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE

It is a pivotal point in his life
When a boy reaches puberty
As he says goodbye to boyhood
And is on the way to his adultery

THE MOST COMMON FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL

The most common form of birth control
Is not as is widely believed, contraception
Birth control is when a man says he wants sex
And the woman employs contradiction

WHEN I PHONE A WOMAN

When I phone a woman
And talk dirty to her
I’m a sexual harasser

But when a woman
Talks dirty to me
I am a good customer

I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN

I was approached by a woman
Doing customer researcher
I decided as I wasn’t in a hurry
I would stop and assist her
"What do you use for grooming?
Perhaps you could take a look”
“No need to consult your list”
I said “I only use “Facebook””

I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK

I met a beautiful girl in the park
And the sparks flew, literally
She knocked me off my feet
Because she used a Taser on me

A Little Bit Of Humour # 48

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing it for a laugh?
It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying
I know it’s supposed to be funny
But to me it’s just annoying

PINEAPPLE DUFFER

When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him

WHEN YOU MARRY

When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left

HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE

He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a posh bus

FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL

FIFA has been ineffectual
In its fight against Racism
In stark contrast with the rise
Of pan European Fascism
Who seem more likely to
Kick football out of Racism

CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW

At Chelsea my mother
Ran naked thru the judge’s tent
And she won first prize
For the best dry arrangement

ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-IMPORTANT LOOK?

Are you wearing a self-important look?
Well I would say you are in my opinion
And further more I will bet my house
On the fact that you are a politician

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION

I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with Relish

THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE

The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise

WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY

When my wife reached forty
Despite all the happy memories
I was left with no alternative
But to change her for two twenties

AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN

I go to an optimistic optician
When I need my biannual checks
The only downside is that he
Always sells me rose tinted specs

SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS

She blushed to her roots
When he gave his diagnosis
Which caused him to delay
In delivering the prognosis
Then it dawned on him as he
Looked at the blushing Dinah
So he said to her much louder
“I said you have acute angina”

KARL MARX LIKED HERBAL TEA

Karl Marx liked herbal tea
In his place on the left
And he preferred it because
All proper tea was theft

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 316

Jack ate all the lean
Jill ate all the fat
So now he’s anorexic
And she is always sat

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?

Are you wearing that for fun?
That’s a good enough reason Hon
I really love you in the black one
But I love more when it’s undone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 47

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT?

Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building

WATER BOY

When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit

I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD

I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot

WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY

When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty

LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS

Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety

HAVE FAITH

Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car

IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION

If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man

IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN

If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb

THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION

The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies

IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE

In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there

IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY

If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it

TINY THING

Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315

Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed

A Little Bit Of Humour # 46

ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan

OILY FOOD

When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat

PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES

Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see

MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE

My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best

EVERY TOM

When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314

What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely

ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker

I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist

HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH

He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle

SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU

Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon

AN EMPTY TANGO

An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug

A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED

A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher

TO THOSE WHO LOOTED

To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May

A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING

A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy

APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI

Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do

A Little Bit Of Humour # 45

ARE YOU WEARING OXFORD BAGS?

Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313

Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named

THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES

There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows

DESCRIBING RETIREMENT

The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break

PUT DOWN # 57

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”

SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START

She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed

SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK

She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful

THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID

The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”

INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG

Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne

WHAT A SILLY ASS

What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine

I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET

I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living

DEAR MR CADBURY

Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?

Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog

A Little Bit Of Humour # 44

ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?

Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight

WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?

What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd

PUT DOWN # 56

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."

THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING

That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample

ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT

Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should

ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?

Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs

YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE

You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle

IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT

If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink

AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER

An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make

DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?

Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin

VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS

Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears

MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED

My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294

Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine

ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?

Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish