ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing it for a laugh?
It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying
I know it’s supposed to be funny
But to me it’s just annoying
PINEAPPLE DUFFER
When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him
WHEN YOU MARRY
When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left
HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE
He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a posh bus
FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL
FIFA has been ineffectual
In its fight against Racism
In stark contrast with the rise
Of pan European Fascism
Who seem more likely to
Kick football out of Racism
CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW
At Chelsea my mother
Ran naked thru the judge’s tent
And she won first prize
For the best dry arrangement
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-IMPORTANT LOOK?
Are you wearing a self-important look?
Well I would say you are in my opinion
And further more I will bet my house
On the fact that you are a politician
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with Relish
THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE
The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise
WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY
When my wife reached forty
Despite all the happy memories
I was left with no alternative
But to change her for two twenties
AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN
I go to an optimistic optician
When I need my biannual checks
The only downside is that he
Always sells me rose tinted specs
SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS
She blushed to her roots
When he gave his diagnosis
Which caused him to delay
In delivering the prognosis
Then it dawned on him as he
Looked at the blushing Dinah
So he said to her much louder
“I said you have acute angina”
KARL MARX LIKED HERBAL TEA
Karl Marx liked herbal tea
In his place on the left
And he preferred it because
All proper tea was theft
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 316
Jack ate all the lean
Jill ate all the fat
So now he’s anorexic
And she is always sat
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?
Are you wearing that for fun?
That’s a good enough reason Hon
I really love you in the black one
But I love more when it’s undone
Sunday, 13 April 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 47
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT?
Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building
WATER BOY
When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit
I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD
I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot
WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY
When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty
LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS
Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety
HAVE FAITH
Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car
IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION
If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man
IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN
If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb
THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION
The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies
IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE
In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there
IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY
If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it
TINY THING
Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315
Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed
Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building
WATER BOY
When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit
I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD
I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot
WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY
When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty
LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS
Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety
HAVE FAITH
Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car
IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION
If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man
IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN
If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb
THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION
The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies
IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE
In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there
IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY
If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it
TINY THING
Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315
Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed
A Little Bit Of Humour # 46
ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan
OILY FOOD
When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat
PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES
Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see
MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE
My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best
EVERY TOM
When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314
What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker
I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER
I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle
SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU
Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon
AN EMPTY TANGO
An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug
A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher
TO THOSE WHO LOOTED
To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May
A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING
A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy
APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI
Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do
Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan
OILY FOOD
When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat
PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES
Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see
MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE
My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best
EVERY TOM
When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314
What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker
I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER
I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle
SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU
Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon
AN EMPTY TANGO
An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug
A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher
TO THOSE WHO LOOTED
To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May
A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING
A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy
APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI
Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do
A Little Bit Of Humour # 45
ARE YOU WEARING OXFORD BAGS?
Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313
Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named
THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES
There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break
PUT DOWN # 57
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START
She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame
I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES
With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne
WHAT A SILLY ASS
What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine
I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET
I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living
DEAR MR CADBURY
Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?
Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog
Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313
Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named
THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES
There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break
PUT DOWN # 57
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START
She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame
I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES
With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne
WHAT A SILLY ASS
What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine
I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET
I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living
DEAR MR CADBURY
Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?
Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog
A Little Bit Of Humour # 44
ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?
Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight
WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?
What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd
PUT DOWN # 56
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."
THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING
That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample
ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT
Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should
ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?
Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs
YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE
You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle
IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT
If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink
AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER
An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make
DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?
Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears
MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED
My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294
Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine
ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?
Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight
WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?
What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd
PUT DOWN # 56
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."
THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING
That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample
ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT
Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should
ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?
Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs
YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE
You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle
IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT
If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink
AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER
An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make
DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?
Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears
MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED
My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294
Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine
ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?
Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
A Little Bit Of Humour # 43
ARE YOU WEARING VELVET GLOVES?
Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6
I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold
SENIOR CLASSES
The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents
PUT DOWN # 55
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"
I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV
I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash
And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312
Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?
Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother
GSOH
A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes
BURNS NIGHT SUPPER
With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID
If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date
I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER
I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning
ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE
On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE
The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE
When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad
Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6
I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold
SENIOR CLASSES
The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents
PUT DOWN # 55
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"
I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV
I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash
And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312
Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?
Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother
GSOH
A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes
BURNS NIGHT SUPPER
With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID
If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date
I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER
I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning
ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE
On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE
The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE
When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad
A Little Bit Of Humour # 42
ARE YOU WEARING A SENSUAL AIR?
Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are not even aware?
But it flows from each and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean to stand and stare
But sensuality follows you everywhere
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
I was asked what “varicose” meant
And said it was nearby
CURRYING FAVOUR
When my Grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses existed near or far
In order to go out for an Indian
He would’ve had to go to India
WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV
When I ignored the Satnav
I actually heard it scoff
And when I said “I’ll go my way”
It told me to sod off
THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE
The common term for someone
Who retires but goes to work again
Because they enjoy it too much
To give it up, is criminally insane
PUT DOWN # 54
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when your patience is done
“I'm no proctologist, but
I know an asshole when I see one”
SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN
She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so much she had her husband
Circumcised for the sake of ten percent off
YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA
You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help to be sure
But admitting you’re an asshole
Is the first step towards a cure
EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK
Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive you didn’t use a fire wall”
ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL
On my very first day at primary school
I handed, as instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to “whom it may concern”
And it had been written by my mother
It read “The opinions expressed by this boy
Are not in any way those of his mother or father”
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL
If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal little sparrow
Just say “Easy there Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you with a marrow
THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE
My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t know
Modern medicine is excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty impairment” though
WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN
Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the hype
Most men don’t need any help
They are of the do-it-yourself type
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 311
Mary had a little fan
She waved it to and fro
Mary still has her fan
But is it as little? No
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?
Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not a good fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise
Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are not even aware?
But it flows from each and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean to stand and stare
But sensuality follows you everywhere
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
I was asked what “varicose” meant
And said it was nearby
CURRYING FAVOUR
When my Grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses existed near or far
In order to go out for an Indian
He would’ve had to go to India
WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV
When I ignored the Satnav
I actually heard it scoff
And when I said “I’ll go my way”
It told me to sod off
THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE
The common term for someone
Who retires but goes to work again
Because they enjoy it too much
To give it up, is criminally insane
PUT DOWN # 54
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when your patience is done
“I'm no proctologist, but
I know an asshole when I see one”
SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN
She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so much she had her husband
Circumcised for the sake of ten percent off
YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA
You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help to be sure
But admitting you’re an asshole
Is the first step towards a cure
EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK
Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive you didn’t use a fire wall”
ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL
On my very first day at primary school
I handed, as instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to “whom it may concern”
And it had been written by my mother
It read “The opinions expressed by this boy
Are not in any way those of his mother or father”
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL
If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal little sparrow
Just say “Easy there Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you with a marrow
THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE
My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t know
Modern medicine is excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty impairment” though
WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN
Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the hype
Most men don’t need any help
They are of the do-it-yourself type
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 311
Mary had a little fan
She waved it to and fro
Mary still has her fan
But is it as little? No
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?
Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not a good fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise
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