A Little Bit Of Humour # 40

ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?

Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie

THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT

There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done

PUT DOWN # 52

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?

THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort

MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack

He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”

AFTER HER EXAMINATION

After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"

SENIOR PHARMACY

When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief

SUPERSEX

“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"

IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE

If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance

THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE

The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309

Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?

Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot

A Little Bit Of Humour # 39

ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?

Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2

I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death

MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE

My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2

A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka

WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED

When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining

HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?

How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own

ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2

One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire

JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION

Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore

THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN

The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain

PUT DOWN # 51

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."

IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308

Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini

HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING

Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag

MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE

Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock

ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?

Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic

Easter Tales

ARE YOU WEARING A HARE PIECE?

Are you wearing a hare piece?
I think that’s really funny
Especially as you are dressed
As the Easter bunny

HOT CROSS BUNS

I’ve always loved hot cross buns
But they give me heartburn
You can eat one and it’s gone
But like the Lord they return

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an Easter outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?

Are you wearing bunny ears?
I’m glad you gave them a whirl
I think they really suit you
Will you be my bunny girl?

ARE YOU WEARING A COTTON TAIL?

Are you wearing a cotton tail?
Well you’re a very sexy rabbit
I really like dressing up games
It’s become one of my dirty habits

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A GIGGLE?

Are you wearing it for a giggle?
I especially like it when you wiggle
No I’m not staring at your bunny bot
No don’t get self-conscious, I’m not
Like every other red bloodied male
I’m only looking at you cottontail

EASTER ISN’T JUST ABOUT EASTER EGGS

Easter isn’t just about Easter eggs
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Easter marks the death and resurrection
Of the saviour of all mankind

Eastertide

IT’S LENT ONCE AGAIN

It’s Lent once again
That time of year
To de-clutter, A time
To tidy and clear

But it’s not the time
To tidy the garden shed
The garage or the loft
Or even under the bed

Lent is the time when
Spring cleaning begins
When we cleanse our souls
And wash away our sins

HOLY WEEK

Holy Week
Is the last week of Lent
Which precedes Easter
Starting on Lazarus Saturday
It includes Palm Sunday
Maundy Thursday
And Good Friday
And ends on Holy Saturday

LAZARUS SATURDAY

Lazarus Saturday
Is the day preceding
Palm Sunday
Which celebrates the raising
Of Lazarus of Bethany
A day of joy and triumph
Which begins Holy Week

PASCHAL MYSTERY

The Paschal Mystery
Is a concept
Central to Christian belief
When God the Father
Sent his only Son to Earth
To accomplish man’s salvation
Via the passion, death,
And Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ

PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD

With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross

EASTERTIDE

Eastertide or Paschaltide
Is a festal season
That begins on Easter Sunday
And lasts for fifty days
Ending on Pentecost Sunday
Celebrated throughout
The Christian world
As a single joyful feast

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JUDAS ISCARIOT

One of the twelve
Judas Iscariot
The betrayer
The taker of coins
The lost soul
Satan’s pawn
Hanged himself
Replaced as an apostle
By Matthias

HOLY MONDAY

Holy Monday is
The Third day of holy week
Is notable for several reason
We are told in The Gospels
That amongst other things
The cursing of the fig tree
The questioning of Jesus' authority
And the Cleansing of the Temple
All took place on Holy Monday

HOLY WEDNESDAY

In Western Christianity,
Holy Wednesday
Is the Wednesday before Easter
The fifth day of holy week
Often called "Spy Wednesday",
To mark the betrayal of Jesus
By his apostle Judas Iscariot
And on Holy Wednesday
He first conspired with the Sanhedrin
To betray the Lord
For thirty pieces of silver

MAUNDY THURSDAY

Maundy Thursday
The sixth day of Holy week
Which remembers the Maundy
The day when Jesus
Washed the feet of his disciples
As well as the last supper
On the feast of Passover
And marks the start
Of the Easter Triduum,
That commemorates
The passion, death,
And resurrection of Christ

FOR A FEW SILVER COINS

One of the twelve
Chosen Apostles
Possessed of Evil?
Or pawn of Christ
Judas Iscariot met
High Priest Caiaphas
And left the temple
With the Sanhedrin bribe
“Thirty pieces of silver”
Bought an apostle
And Christ’s fate was sealed
For after the last supper
In the gardens of Gethsemane
Judas Iscariot delivered
His kiss of betrayal
Condemning them both
By that single act
To an untimely death
Judas by his own hand
And Christ on the cross

GOOD FRIDAY

Good Friday
Marks the day
The Temple Guards
Aided by the Judas kiss
Arrested Jesus
At Gethsemane
Also his interrogation
By High Priest Caiaphas
And the Sanhedrin
Who condemned him to death
Before conveying him before
The Roman governor
Pontius Pilate
Who with reluctance
Ordered his crucifixion
At the place of the Skull

HOLY SATURDAY

Holy Saturday
Is not a Mass
But a time of
Prayer and fasting
And meditating on Christ’s
Passion and Death
His Descent into Hell
And his Resurrection

EASTER VIGIL

The Easter Vigil,
Is the longest and most solemn
It begins after sundown
With The Service of Light
When a new fire is kindled
Symbolising the Light of salvation
Which is used to light
The Paschal candle
Symbolising the Light of Christ
Reminding all that
Christ is Light and life

EASTER SUNDAY

Easter Sunday
Is the most important date
In the Christian calendar
And Celebrates
The Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
And beginning
The Great Fifty Days
Of Eastertide

ASCENSION DAY

Ascension Day
Is the fortieth day
Of Eastertide
And celebrates
With great solemnity
The Ascension of the Lord

PENTECOST SUNDAY

Pentecost Sunday is
The Feast of Weeks
White Sunday
Is the fiftieth day
And Marks the end
Of Eastertide
Celebrating the descent
Of the Holy Spirit
Upon the Apostles
And all followers
Of Jesus Christ

Tales of Love # 13

DISTANT SUMMER

I look back fondly
Across the years
On that brief affair
So glorious, yet
All too brief
Like a perfect summer
That left its mark
Forever on my heart

RESOLUTE AND STRONG

My love for her
Is resolutely strong
She lifts my heart
Like the sweet song
Of woodland birds
In chorused throng

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (7)

I will sail Around the Cape of Good Hope
where the two great oceans meet
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re the only one for me

SHE WAS SO ELEGANT

She was so elegant
And light of step
As if on Angels wings
She was swept
From heavens high
Into my arms
To bless my life
With her charms

MY WIFE IS VERY HOUSE PROUD

My wife is very house proud
A domestic goddess n'est-ce elle pas
She make a Dyson look obsolete
And her food wins a Michelin star
She washes and iron like a Trojan
And keeps the garden tidy and neat
But all this counts for nothing
As I love her because she so sweet

HER BEAUTY WAS LIKE THE SPRING

Her beauty was like the Spring
A smile as warm as Summer sun
Tempestuous like an Autumn gale
And as refreshing as a Winters day

THEIR BODIES LAY ENTWINED

Their bodies lay entwined
As they had so many times before
It was in this final lingering embrace
That she slowly slipped away

LIVE A VERY GOOD LIFE

Live a very good life
Live it honourably and true
And live it to the full
Then I will promise you
That when you look back
As your days begin to wane
And you look back, you’ll
Get to enjoy it all over again

SHE HAS GONE NOW

She has gone now
And has left a hole
Where my heart
Once resided
But her spirit
Is always with me
And hangs in the air
Like a breath of spring

SHE WAS MY COMPASS

She was my compass
And my anchor
She steered me
And held me
She gave me direction
And stability
Without her I am
Lost at sea
And rudderless

I WILL LIFT YOU UP

I will lift you up
On the days
When you are blue
I will reach up
And touch a rainbow
And capture it for you

I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A MOUNTAIN

I would like to find a mountain
Where I can be alone
A place of peace and serenity
A truly tranquil zone
And I will sit and wonder why
You left me on my own

HOW I WAS FOOLED BY YOUR DISGUISE

How I was fooled by your disguise
When at the very start
You had summer in your eyes
But you had winter in your heart

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (8)

From Tierra del Fuegos archipelago
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one

GATHER IN THE WOODLAND LILIES

Gather in the woodland lilies
Kissed with natures gentle dew
Lay them on the polished oak
And bid your love a fond adieu

SOFT KISSES, PLANTED

Soft kisses, planted
Like whispers
On expectant lips
Then a smile of coyness
And a blush
The hue of Rose Hips

SHE READ A POEM

She read a poem
Out loud to me
On a quiet afternoon
That touched me,
Awakened me,
Stirred my soul
And my dulled senses
As she read
It flowed over me
Like scented honey
Each word a caress
Each syllable a kiss
A soothing balm
Of evocative beauty
Whose feeling,
In metrical form
Left me unshackled
Releasing me, from
My contented taupe
Free to soar
On poetic wings

THE WORDS FLOWED

The words flowed
like spring melt
Rushing to fill
Every stream of reason
Every rivulet of love
With bitter bile

MY SWEET WORDS OF LOVE

My sweet words of love
Were wasted on her it appears
Because all I got in return
Was the bitter sting of tears

A Little Bit Of Humour # 38

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?

Are you wearing contacts?
And a different colour at that
In normal light they look great
But in the dark you look like a cat

WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?

Where have all the readers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the readers gone?
UKAuthors have nicked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES

Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the Paralympics team GB
Were found to have tested positive
For WD40

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1

A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s still in a Korma

I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV

I don’t have a Satnav
I don’t need one in my life
l have something better
My Satnav is my wife

THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit you can’t stop
And max out all of your credit cards
Without setting foot in a single shop

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1

I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
As I thought “Caesarean section”
Was a district in Rome

A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME

A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite informal
Two hours after dozing off
In front of the TV is normal

SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL

Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in his defense he said
The teachers asked what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””

PUT DOWN # 50

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he quickly bores
“Do you have magical powers?
In this fantasy world of yours?"

AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS

At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper

ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1

One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal attire

IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY

In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese Chippie
He was a Carpenter from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr Lee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307

Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,
The woman that sells anything, honey?
She's lost her virtue and a' her money,
Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.

ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?

Are you wearing tinted lenses?
And the colour of vermillion
In normal light they look great
But at night you look like an alien

War ans Warriors

IT’LL BE OVER BY CHRISTMAS

August 4th 1914
The world goes mad
And the Great War Begins
The war to end all wars
“It’ll be over by Christmas”
So they promised
Instead there followed
Four years of death

AIR COMMODORE FERDINAND MAURICE FELIX WEST VC CBE MC
(19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)

In an Armstrong Whitworth FK 8
West set off at dawn,
Along with his observer,
To search for the enemy
Through a hole in the mist
They spotted their concentration
Avoiding severe ground fire,
Almost immediately
They came under attack
From seven German fighters
West was hit in the leg,
And his radio was destroyed
Skilfully they fought them off
Unable to make home base
West landed behind Allied lines
But despite his injuries
And being in excruciating agony
He insisted on giving his report
Before receiving treatment
And he lost his leg

DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD

Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 4

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
Hazardous sorties over the front
Avoiding enemies on the hunt

Air Commodore Ferdinand Maurice Felix West VC CBE MC (19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)

DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD

Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins

ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER THE DARDANELLES

1915 in the RNAS he flew
When Ferrijik Junction came into view
He and Gilbert Smylie were sent
And Into action they both went
Under heavy fire Smylie went down
In marsh land outside of town
He set fire to his stricken machine
And quickly set to flee the Scene
Then davies with skill and Gallantry
Landed in sight of the enemy
Rescued his comrade Smylie
And returned him to safety

Vice Admiral Richard Bell Davies VC CB DSO AFC (19 May 1886 – 26 February 1966)

THE SOLDIER STOOD

The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave

VICE ADMIRAL RICHARD BELL DAVIES VC CB DSO AFC
(19 MAY 1886 – 26 FEBRUARY 1966)

Valiantly he fought
Against Germans
And the Turks alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Diced with death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
He fought with gallantry
And abject bravery

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE

The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 5

Valiantly he fought
Against Balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fought against
Superior numbers
Above the Forêt de Mormal
Despite horrific injuries
He won the day
And landed safely

Lt Colonel William George "Billy" Barker VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Two Bars (3 November 1894 – 12 March 1930)
LT COLONEL WILLIAM GEORGE "BILLY" BARKER VC, DSO & BAR, MC & TWO BARS
(3 NOVEMBER 1894 – 12 MARCH 1930)

1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he was nearly undone
Above the Forêt de Mormal
15 against one mere mortal
Barkers Snipe downed three
But he was wounded severely
He got the Snipe down on the floor
But it was the end of Barkers war

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 6

Valiantly he fought
Against kite balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
In two short months
In 1918
He wreaked havoc
On the enemy
He died in 1921
In an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a training accident
Flying a Sopwith Snipe
Preparing for an air show
At RAF Hendon

Captain Andrew (Anthony) Frederick Weatherby Beauchamp-Proctor, VC, DSO, MC and bar, DFC (4 September 1894 – 21 June 1921)

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE

The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane

CAPTAIN ANDREW (ANTHONY) FREDERICK WEATHERBY BEAUCHAMP-PROCTOR, VC, DSO, MC AND BAR, DFC
(4 SEPTEMBER 1894 – 21 JUNE 1921)

1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When victory after victory he won
Between 8 August 1918,
And 8 October 1918
Twenty-six decisive victories
Against determined enemies
Despite suffering a bad injury
He managed to land safely

THE SOLDIER STOOD

The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave

FLEET AIR ARM - WINGS OVER THE CHANNEL

Valiantly he fought
In an outdated kite
Against Battleships
And modern planes alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fighting Superior forces
He led his squadron
From the front
Attacking the Scharnhorst,
The Gneisenau
And Prinz Eugen
But were all shot
From the skies

Lieutenant Commander Eugene Kingsmill Esmonde VC DSO (1 March 1909 – 12 February 1942)

LORD KITCHENER SAID IN HIS FRUSTRATION

Lord Kitchener said in his frustration
Of the indiscreet Politicians and their lives
When you tell one of their number a secret
They went home and told their wives
With the exception of David Lloyd George
Who went home and told everybody’s wives

LIEUTENANT COMMANDER EUGENE KINGSMILL ESMONDE VC DSO
(1 MARCH 1909 – 12 FEBRUARY 1942)

1942 with the Fleet Air Arm he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he and his squadron were undone
Against the German Krieg’s Marine
The pride of the German Navy
And against that determined enemy
His squadron fell into the sea