CALL CENTER MODE EVEN MORE
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply
“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”
WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER
When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives
WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING
When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT
She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell
COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING
Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first
YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG
You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag
GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM
Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam
I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently
My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road
DRUNK DRIVING
He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk
Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree
The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically
The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there
LAZARUS PILL # 2
I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
A Humourous Selection # 19
CUPID’S LAST HURRAH
I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers
TEMPERAMENTAL
Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm
LESBIAN CARPENTER
My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired
SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL
A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.
DO YOU NEED A BAG
A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”
FISHY BLONDE
Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head
"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".
BLONDE POST
The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor
The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"
Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most
BIMBETTES LOST DOG
Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”
SLEEPLESS NIGHT
I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess
Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me
ALPINE QUERY
“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?
I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers
TEMPERAMENTAL
Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm
LESBIAN CARPENTER
My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired
SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL
A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.
DO YOU NEED A BAG
A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”
FISHY BLONDE
Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head
"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".
BLONDE POST
The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor
The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"
Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most
BIMBETTES LOST DOG
Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”
SLEEPLESS NIGHT
I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess
Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me
ALPINE QUERY
“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?
A Humourous Selection # 18
ALIMONY VENDOR
A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey
PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE
This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun
Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun
SELF-MEDICATING
There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not
THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION
They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies
LAZARUS PILL # 1
There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead
KILLER PILL
I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain
PILL POPPER # 1
Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue
I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few
PILL POPPER # 2
I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle
MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass
My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door
FEEL YOUR AGE
You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part
JUST A DASH
Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water
ADOPT A WILD CAT
They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?
HE CAME IN THE NIGHT
He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief
DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE
Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry
A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey
PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE
This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun
Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun
SELF-MEDICATING
There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not
THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION
They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies
LAZARUS PILL # 1
There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead
KILLER PILL
I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain
PILL POPPER # 1
Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue
I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few
PILL POPPER # 2
I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle
MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass
My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door
FEEL YOUR AGE
You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part
JUST A DASH
Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water
ADOPT A WILD CAT
They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?
HE CAME IN THE NIGHT
He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief
DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE
Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry
A Humourous Selection # 17
THE STUFF OF DREAMS
Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff
CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead
INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS
At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet
MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST
He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2
Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out
MY MISSING WIFE
My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet
DYNAMITE BLONDE
The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'
The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”
He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”
HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR
I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work
WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY
My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right
Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat
SHIRK ETHIC
I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare
Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff
CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead
INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS
At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet
MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST
He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2
Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out
MY MISSING WIFE
My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet
DYNAMITE BLONDE
The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'
The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”
He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”
HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR
I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work
WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY
My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right
Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat
SHIRK ETHIC
I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare
A Humourous Selection # 16
FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 2
How is it that women can go through childbirth?
With all its inherent agony
Yet manage to scare themselves to death
At the sight of a dust bunny
REFRESHING SUPPORT
My wife left the house last week
For a pint of milk and never came back
Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping
But I used the powdered or had it black
CRASH PROCEDURE
As the 747 was falling
Uncontrollably from the sky
A female passenger ripped off her clothes
And began to cry
“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?
Before I die”?
A man stood up and took off his shirt
“Here iron this,” said the guy
I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN
I’m a free agent once again
Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend
She was very nice but to be honest
It was our sex life in the end
That broke up our bliss
She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?
BLONDE BIRD
Peaches suddenly said
“Look at the dead bird there”
Bimbette at once looked up
And said “where”?
BLONDE NITWIT
A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving
And couldn’t believe his eyes at all
He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”
She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”
CALL CENTER MODE AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
“Ok” said the tech support guy
“What's on your monitor now, miss?
“An elephant my boyfriend bought me
And a kangaroo called Kriss”
MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING
Conceived by savants
Designed by computers
Precision Built by robots
And driven by commuters
FLIRT IN A SKIRT
Everything limber
Everything pert
The quivering flesh
In a well filled shirt
The flattering flutter
Of a pleated skirt
The coquettish look
Of an obvious flirt
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1
Long slender legs
That caught the eye
Atop a stockined limb
A glimpse of thigh
A hint of lace
As she passes by
And a look that says
“Don’t even try”
How is it that women can go through childbirth?
With all its inherent agony
Yet manage to scare themselves to death
At the sight of a dust bunny
REFRESHING SUPPORT
My wife left the house last week
For a pint of milk and never came back
Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping
But I used the powdered or had it black
CRASH PROCEDURE
As the 747 was falling
Uncontrollably from the sky
A female passenger ripped off her clothes
And began to cry
“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?
Before I die”?
A man stood up and took off his shirt
“Here iron this,” said the guy
I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN
I’m a free agent once again
Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend
She was very nice but to be honest
It was our sex life in the end
That broke up our bliss
She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?
BLONDE BIRD
Peaches suddenly said
“Look at the dead bird there”
Bimbette at once looked up
And said “where”?
BLONDE NITWIT
A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving
And couldn’t believe his eyes at all
He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”
She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”
CALL CENTER MODE AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
“Ok” said the tech support guy
“What's on your monitor now, miss?
“An elephant my boyfriend bought me
And a kangaroo called Kriss”
MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING
Conceived by savants
Designed by computers
Precision Built by robots
And driven by commuters
FLIRT IN A SKIRT
Everything limber
Everything pert
The quivering flesh
In a well filled shirt
The flattering flutter
Of a pleated skirt
The coquettish look
Of an obvious flirt
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1
Long slender legs
That caught the eye
Atop a stockined limb
A glimpse of thigh
A hint of lace
As she passes by
And a look that says
“Don’t even try”
Olympic Humour 2012
LONDON 2012 # 1
After seven long years
Of blood sweat and tears
The games can commence
And that test of human endurance
Can come to an end
As we abandon that trend
That has made us all cringe
The seven-year Olympic whinge
A GYMNAST AND A POLE DANCER
A gymnast and a pole dancer
Both skilled and both work hard
The only difference between them
It seems to me is a leotard
LONDON 2012 # 2
Alas I was in error
There is no end to the terror
Alas I was sadly wrong
The Olympic whinge goes on
BEACH VOLLEYBALL
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m really very keen
It’s not like a proper beach though
For a start it’s just to clean
No cigarette ends or beer cans
And not a used condom to be seen
I LOVE THE OLYMPICS
I love the Olympics
And now it’s on home soil
It gives us an opportunity
As our competitors toil
To see them taking part
In events of this and that
Of seeing all the many sports
The team GB are so awful at
THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012
I enjoyed the Jubilee concert
It was a wonderful night
I thought the opening ceremony
For the games was just right
But before any other major events
I want to know one thing
When is someone going to tell sir Paul?
That he can’t bloody sing
After seven long years
Of blood sweat and tears
The games can commence
And that test of human endurance
Can come to an end
As we abandon that trend
That has made us all cringe
The seven-year Olympic whinge
A GYMNAST AND A POLE DANCER
A gymnast and a pole dancer
Both skilled and both work hard
The only difference between them
It seems to me is a leotard
LONDON 2012 # 2
Alas I was in error
There is no end to the terror
Alas I was sadly wrong
The Olympic whinge goes on
BEACH VOLLEYBALL
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m really very keen
It’s not like a proper beach though
For a start it’s just to clean
No cigarette ends or beer cans
And not a used condom to be seen
I LOVE THE OLYMPICS
I love the Olympics
And now it’s on home soil
It gives us an opportunity
As our competitors toil
To see them taking part
In events of this and that
Of seeing all the many sports
The team GB are so awful at
THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012
I enjoyed the Jubilee concert
It was a wonderful night
I thought the opening ceremony
For the games was just right
But before any other major events
I want to know one thing
When is someone going to tell sir Paul?
That he can’t bloody sing
Thursday, 26 July 2012
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 16) Georgian Bathroom
I felt suitably refreshed after having two showers in fairly close order either side of the lovely Miss Gomez’s display of versatility by giving a fine oral performance on my instrument.
Despite the rather lengthy ablutions and the felatio I got to the Gregory house about ten minutes ahead of schedule to find Geoffrey, Georgie’s dad, had started loading the car without me and Georgia hadn’t arrived home from work yet.
“Hold on Geoff, you should have waited for me”
"Hello Simon" he said "I just thought I’d make a start as Georgia’s running late"
"Come on then I'll give you a hand"
We had it all loaded and were sitting in the kitchen by the time Georgia got home.
"Sorry I’m late" She said "The Snipe was being a right pain in the arse"
"The Snipe" she was referring to was Agnes Snipe, Georgia’s boss at the Golf club.
"Don’t worry darling" Geoff said "Simon and I have the car loaded"
"Really?" She said "my heroes" and kissed us both.
She then joined us in a cuppa before going to get changed she was only gone about half an hour and when she came back she was wearing a short denim skirt and a pale blue short sleeved shirt, low cut to show off her lovely tits, and not forgetting blue and white ankle socks.
Her bobbed brunette hair was still wet from the shower and left damp splodges on the shoulders of her top.
"Do you want something to eat" Laura asked, Laura was Georgia’s mum
"No thanks mum" she answered "We're eating there"
She looked up at the clock then turned to me and said
"We need to get going"
The fact we were an hour late leaving didn’t hamper us in any way in fact because the traffic was lighter we got to the house only ten minutes later than we had originally planned.
They were just taking dinner orders as we arrived so I let Georgia choose and I started unloading the car.
It was slightly harder work getting it out of the car and into her room than it was getting it loaded back at her house.
Still a couple of the other lads lent a hand and it was soon done and with perfect timing just as I closed the boot down the pizzas arrived.
Georgia and I took the last two remaining places in the lounge, which were in the window.
There were nineteen people sitting in the lounge drinking wine and eating pizza, not my favourite fast food I have to say, of which I was the oldest by almost a decade
There were the six housemates and partners plus an assortment of friends,
It wasn’t a bad sized room with three large sofas in it but it was never intended to accommodate nineteen people.
Georgia and I were seated on the deep windowsill in the bay window.
With a gap of about two feet between us and the back of one of the sofas.
This afforded me a great view down the tops of two girls seated on the sofa one of the was a skinny braless girl with tits like roof tillers nail bags while the other had a fine pair contained in a green lacy number about two sizes two small and definitely not up to the job.
The cups were so small that both areolas were clearly visible above the line of green lace.
Georgia suddenly slapped my thigh
“Are you looking at my friends tits?”
She whispered in my ear, I’m not sure why she whispered it; the room was so noisy she could have used a bullhorn and no one would have overheard her.
“Yes of course, what a stupid question” I replied above a whisper
“You’re a dirty bastard,” she said laughing
Then she put her hand on my lap and started stroking my sleeping soldier who was already half awake.
“Already?” she asked wide-eyed
I shrugged nonchalantly, and she continued stroking.
A few minutes later Amy, the girl with the big tits and the small bra, turned round and spoke.
“Here George look at this”
Georgia leant over the sofa between Amy and the scraggy titted girl looking at something on Amy’s Blackberry.
They were all three of them laughing as I slid my hand up Georgie’s skirt and she didn’t bat an eye lid, not even when I pulled her knickers off her buttocks and half way down her thighs, nor again when I fondled her cheeks.
Only a few moments after my fingers parted her lips did she call a halt to my mischief and sit back down.
Then she smiled a saucy smile at me and took her knickers all the way off before stuffing them in my trouser pocket.
“I don’t think I’m going to be needing them” she said and placed my hand between her knees.
We were seated in the perfect place for our purposes. We could see everyone else but they couldn’t see anything of us below the chest, unless they were stood directly facing us and if anyone did that we would stop.
While my hand slid purposefully between her thighs, hers had now returned to my growing erection and she stroked my cock through my shorts.
As my hand neared its destination I felt the hair of her bush brushing the skin on the back of my hand.
Then my fingers homed in on her pussy, when she was standing bent over the sofa she was deliciously moist too my touch but when I returned to the seat of her moistness I found her creamily wet and she let out a little gasp as my finger went in her. No one heard it; it was still far too noisy in the room.
But I couldn’t take her too far because even with the decibel level as high as it was in that place, they would certainly here miss Gregory come.
It was just when I was getting her well lathered up that the lights suddenly went on and the music stopped and some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to raise a toast to there new abode.
Georgia tutted and pulled me out of her and closed her thighs tight.
“Cheers” she said smiling falsely.
The moment the chinking of glasses was over Georgia was on her feet saying
"Come and give me a hand with those boxes then"
Now its all very well when you’re a woman and the fun has to stop, because when leaving the room she merely has to contend with sticky thighs.
I had my shorts filled with a huge boner, standing up was difficult and painful and so was walking, but the main problem was concealment.
Behind the sofa it went unseen in a crowded room it was almost another person.
I tapped Georgia on the shoulder
"What?" she said impatiently
I indicated my predicament with my eyes and she looked down and smiled.
She then picked up our empty pizza box and put it in front of my bulging shorts.
"Can we go now?" she said sarcastically
I nodded and then gingerly followed her out of the room.
Once in the hallway I dispensed with the pizza box and pursued her up the stairs she was unhindered by a swollen organ so was taking the stairs two at a time, my progress was a good deal slower and when I reached her room she was removing her bra through her shirt sleeve, I loved it when women did that, having already removed her skirt and
She was standing in the room her nipples pushing proudly through the fabric of her top and her lush brown bush clearly on display.
“Come here” she beckoned “let me make you more comfortable”
Making me more comfortable involved her undoing my shorts and yanking my cock out and playing with it.
“You’re very eager miss Gregory” I said and kissed her
“I’m not going to see you until Sunday” she said
“Its only two days” I was playing with her tits now teasing her nipple through the fabric
“Exactly that’s why I need it now”
“What are you going to do when Uni starts?” I asked
“You’re not the only one with a wankbank you know” she said
If I hadn’t been rock hard by then that would have done it.
“I want you so bad” Georgia begged as she pulled of my shirt.
“There’s no room on the bed” I pointed out
“You didn’t need a bed the first time you forced yourself on me”
“I don’t remember needing to be particularly forceful,” I reminded her
“Oh Simon Please, don’t stop” I mimicked
“Just shut up and fuck me”
I looked around the room and there really wasn’t anywhere.
We looked at each other
“Bathroom” we said in unison
We quietly open the door and crossed the landing Georgia first, wearing her blue top, ankle socks and showing off her very hairy bush
I followed wearing sports socks but my cock beat me there by a short head.
Once inside I bolted the door and sat her on the shelf and positioned her just the way I did the first time I penetrated her tight cunny.
I pulled her top off over her head and played with her tits as she steered my cock towards her pussy and rubbed my knob between her wet lips then she left it poised, I twitched my shaft and my head danced lightly around her hole, the she grasped my buttocks digging her nails into the flesh and pulled me into her
“Oh Simon” she moaned
Being inside her was like wearing a liquid velvet sheath
She was so hot and she was so creamy it was like bathing my shaft in warm treacle.
As I pumped into her she let out deep rasping moans
“Simon, Simon” she panted
Then her breaths became coarser and her moans deeper
Her thighs were holding my hips like a vice and her ankles were crossed beneath my buttocks and holding my inside her.
I could only give her short measured stroked but with each one
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Again
“Ohh”
Again
“Ohhh”
Just one more stroke
“Ohhhhhhhhh” and she came and I followed
Then she kissed me
“God Simon it just keeps getting better”
“It was ok then?” I panted
“You know damn well it was cocky”
We stayed conjoined for a few minutes as she milked every last drop from me.
Before we had to cross the landing back to the room almost naked looking quite rightly like we’d been shagging in the bathroom.
Luckily no one saw us but we were definitely overheard judging my some of the looks we got as we were leaving.
When I got back to the Gregory’s it was quite late so I was planning to just park the car and pop the keys through the letter box.
But just as I was about to post the keys through the door opened, it was Geoffrey.
“Ah Hello Simon I thought I heard the car door” he said
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said apologetically
“No I hadn’t turned in yet come in for a nightcap and tell us the tale”
So I spent the next half an hour telling him about the house and her friends, which was a quite uncomfortable experience for me, on one hand because I didn’t know how much Georgia would want me to tell them about her student life while on the other because inside my sticky underwear some of my pubic hair was stuck to my thigh.
Despite the rather lengthy ablutions and the felatio I got to the Gregory house about ten minutes ahead of schedule to find Geoffrey, Georgie’s dad, had started loading the car without me and Georgia hadn’t arrived home from work yet.
“Hold on Geoff, you should have waited for me”
"Hello Simon" he said "I just thought I’d make a start as Georgia’s running late"
"Come on then I'll give you a hand"
We had it all loaded and were sitting in the kitchen by the time Georgia got home.
"Sorry I’m late" She said "The Snipe was being a right pain in the arse"
"The Snipe" she was referring to was Agnes Snipe, Georgia’s boss at the Golf club.
"Don’t worry darling" Geoff said "Simon and I have the car loaded"
"Really?" She said "my heroes" and kissed us both.
She then joined us in a cuppa before going to get changed she was only gone about half an hour and when she came back she was wearing a short denim skirt and a pale blue short sleeved shirt, low cut to show off her lovely tits, and not forgetting blue and white ankle socks.
Her bobbed brunette hair was still wet from the shower and left damp splodges on the shoulders of her top.
"Do you want something to eat" Laura asked, Laura was Georgia’s mum
"No thanks mum" she answered "We're eating there"
She looked up at the clock then turned to me and said
"We need to get going"
The fact we were an hour late leaving didn’t hamper us in any way in fact because the traffic was lighter we got to the house only ten minutes later than we had originally planned.
They were just taking dinner orders as we arrived so I let Georgia choose and I started unloading the car.
It was slightly harder work getting it out of the car and into her room than it was getting it loaded back at her house.
Still a couple of the other lads lent a hand and it was soon done and with perfect timing just as I closed the boot down the pizzas arrived.
Georgia and I took the last two remaining places in the lounge, which were in the window.
There were nineteen people sitting in the lounge drinking wine and eating pizza, not my favourite fast food I have to say, of which I was the oldest by almost a decade
There were the six housemates and partners plus an assortment of friends,
It wasn’t a bad sized room with three large sofas in it but it was never intended to accommodate nineteen people.
Georgia and I were seated on the deep windowsill in the bay window.
With a gap of about two feet between us and the back of one of the sofas.
This afforded me a great view down the tops of two girls seated on the sofa one of the was a skinny braless girl with tits like roof tillers nail bags while the other had a fine pair contained in a green lacy number about two sizes two small and definitely not up to the job.
The cups were so small that both areolas were clearly visible above the line of green lace.
Georgia suddenly slapped my thigh
“Are you looking at my friends tits?”
She whispered in my ear, I’m not sure why she whispered it; the room was so noisy she could have used a bullhorn and no one would have overheard her.
“Yes of course, what a stupid question” I replied above a whisper
“You’re a dirty bastard,” she said laughing
Then she put her hand on my lap and started stroking my sleeping soldier who was already half awake.
“Already?” she asked wide-eyed
I shrugged nonchalantly, and she continued stroking.
A few minutes later Amy, the girl with the big tits and the small bra, turned round and spoke.
“Here George look at this”
Georgia leant over the sofa between Amy and the scraggy titted girl looking at something on Amy’s Blackberry.
They were all three of them laughing as I slid my hand up Georgie’s skirt and she didn’t bat an eye lid, not even when I pulled her knickers off her buttocks and half way down her thighs, nor again when I fondled her cheeks.
Only a few moments after my fingers parted her lips did she call a halt to my mischief and sit back down.
Then she smiled a saucy smile at me and took her knickers all the way off before stuffing them in my trouser pocket.
“I don’t think I’m going to be needing them” she said and placed my hand between her knees.
We were seated in the perfect place for our purposes. We could see everyone else but they couldn’t see anything of us below the chest, unless they were stood directly facing us and if anyone did that we would stop.
While my hand slid purposefully between her thighs, hers had now returned to my growing erection and she stroked my cock through my shorts.
As my hand neared its destination I felt the hair of her bush brushing the skin on the back of my hand.
Then my fingers homed in on her pussy, when she was standing bent over the sofa she was deliciously moist too my touch but when I returned to the seat of her moistness I found her creamily wet and she let out a little gasp as my finger went in her. No one heard it; it was still far too noisy in the room.
But I couldn’t take her too far because even with the decibel level as high as it was in that place, they would certainly here miss Gregory come.
It was just when I was getting her well lathered up that the lights suddenly went on and the music stopped and some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to raise a toast to there new abode.
Georgia tutted and pulled me out of her and closed her thighs tight.
“Cheers” she said smiling falsely.
The moment the chinking of glasses was over Georgia was on her feet saying
"Come and give me a hand with those boxes then"
Now its all very well when you’re a woman and the fun has to stop, because when leaving the room she merely has to contend with sticky thighs.
I had my shorts filled with a huge boner, standing up was difficult and painful and so was walking, but the main problem was concealment.
Behind the sofa it went unseen in a crowded room it was almost another person.
I tapped Georgia on the shoulder
"What?" she said impatiently
I indicated my predicament with my eyes and she looked down and smiled.
She then picked up our empty pizza box and put it in front of my bulging shorts.
"Can we go now?" she said sarcastically
I nodded and then gingerly followed her out of the room.
Once in the hallway I dispensed with the pizza box and pursued her up the stairs she was unhindered by a swollen organ so was taking the stairs two at a time, my progress was a good deal slower and when I reached her room she was removing her bra through her shirt sleeve, I loved it when women did that, having already removed her skirt and
She was standing in the room her nipples pushing proudly through the fabric of her top and her lush brown bush clearly on display.
“Come here” she beckoned “let me make you more comfortable”
Making me more comfortable involved her undoing my shorts and yanking my cock out and playing with it.
“You’re very eager miss Gregory” I said and kissed her
“I’m not going to see you until Sunday” she said
“Its only two days” I was playing with her tits now teasing her nipple through the fabric
“Exactly that’s why I need it now”
“What are you going to do when Uni starts?” I asked
“You’re not the only one with a wankbank you know” she said
If I hadn’t been rock hard by then that would have done it.
“I want you so bad” Georgia begged as she pulled of my shirt.
“There’s no room on the bed” I pointed out
“You didn’t need a bed the first time you forced yourself on me”
“I don’t remember needing to be particularly forceful,” I reminded her
“Oh Simon Please, don’t stop” I mimicked
“Just shut up and fuck me”
I looked around the room and there really wasn’t anywhere.
We looked at each other
“Bathroom” we said in unison
We quietly open the door and crossed the landing Georgia first, wearing her blue top, ankle socks and showing off her very hairy bush
I followed wearing sports socks but my cock beat me there by a short head.
Once inside I bolted the door and sat her on the shelf and positioned her just the way I did the first time I penetrated her tight cunny.
I pulled her top off over her head and played with her tits as she steered my cock towards her pussy and rubbed my knob between her wet lips then she left it poised, I twitched my shaft and my head danced lightly around her hole, the she grasped my buttocks digging her nails into the flesh and pulled me into her
“Oh Simon” she moaned
Being inside her was like wearing a liquid velvet sheath
She was so hot and she was so creamy it was like bathing my shaft in warm treacle.
As I pumped into her she let out deep rasping moans
“Simon, Simon” she panted
Then her breaths became coarser and her moans deeper
Her thighs were holding my hips like a vice and her ankles were crossed beneath my buttocks and holding my inside her.
I could only give her short measured stroked but with each one
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Again
“Ohh”
Again
“Ohhh”
Just one more stroke
“Ohhhhhhhhh” and she came and I followed
Then she kissed me
“God Simon it just keeps getting better”
“It was ok then?” I panted
“You know damn well it was cocky”
We stayed conjoined for a few minutes as she milked every last drop from me.
Before we had to cross the landing back to the room almost naked looking quite rightly like we’d been shagging in the bathroom.
Luckily no one saw us but we were definitely overheard judging my some of the looks we got as we were leaving.
When I got back to the Gregory’s it was quite late so I was planning to just park the car and pop the keys through the letter box.
But just as I was about to post the keys through the door opened, it was Geoffrey.
“Ah Hello Simon I thought I heard the car door” he said
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said apologetically
“No I hadn’t turned in yet come in for a nightcap and tell us the tale”
So I spent the next half an hour telling him about the house and her friends, which was a quite uncomfortable experience for me, on one hand because I didn’t know how much Georgia would want me to tell them about her student life while on the other because inside my sticky underwear some of my pubic hair was stuck to my thigh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)