LOVE COLLECTION # 1

BUT DON’T TELL ME

I know you want to end it
But don’t tell me at the hotel
Don’t tell me at the café
I know I won’t take it well
Don’t tell me at the restaurant
Don’t tell me by the pool
Don’t tell me on the beach
Don’t make me look a fool
You can tell me in the ocean
And realise all my fears
Tell me as we swim in the sea
Then you won’t see my tears

ONLY SKIN DEEP

You are truly beautiful
But beauty is only skin deep
Isn’t that what they say?
Only skin deep?

But looking through my eyes
Who ever said those words
Would think that they
Now sound quite absurd

For to say of you
That beauty is just skin deep
Must stir the angels hearts
And make them weep

You are truly beautiful
To the core of your being
It’s not just your skin
That I am seeing

Your beauty emanates
From your soul,
Gracing every atom,
That makes the beautiful whole

From the marrow of your bones
It outwardly flows
So on your lustrous skin
Your beauty glows

I REMEMBER LINDA

I remember way back when,
And my first schoolboys crush
When just to look at Linda
Was like being hit with a sugar rush

I remember when she said
“I really like your shirt by the way”
Well I was so in love with her
That I wore that shirt every day

THAT’S LOVE THAT IS

My big sister really loves me
I know this because, you see
All her old clothes she gives to me
But that’s not all, I’ve just begun
Because when she is all done
She has to go and buy new ones
That’s love that is

WHEN WILL I REACH THE MAIN EVENT?

When will I reach the main event?
I’m tired of dainty canapés
I’ve had too many hors d'oeuvres
They are getting on my nerves
When will I reach the Entrée?
When will I meet the one I seek?
My life long dining companion

TOO OBVIOUS FOR ME

Every morning, I watched you
As you got on the bus with graceful ease
You skirt just the wrong side of modest
Your blouse low cut to tease
I never knew your name
You were just the flirt in a skirt
My friend was obsessed by you
But although I could look at you with lust
You were not for me, not quite my cup of tea
I liked the quiet girl, two seats in front
Who got on and off the bus unnoticed
Except of course for me, I saw her
And I knew her name, and I married her

FOURSOME

I’m in love with A
Alas she likes B
B fancies C
But C wants me

LONELY GIRL BY THE WINDOW

Lonely girl by the window
Looking out on the world
As ever alone in her room
By the window sits the girl

She watches from the window
As the world passes her by
As always alone in her room
She sits by the window and cries

Lonely girl by the window
Sits at the window and dreams
And hopes that life for her
Isn’t as despairing as it seems

She watches from the window
Wishing in her lonely solitude
With all the hope in her heart
That one day she will be rescued

SWEET LOVE SONG

Each word leaving
Your sweet lips
Is like a velvet caress
Your words are like poetry
Each syllable, honey coated
Every sentence
Dripping with nuance
The formed verses
Of loves refrain
All at once
Lightening my heart
And touching my soul

IN THE CLOUDLESS NIGHT SKY

In the cloudless night sky
Each star clear
In the heavens
Sparkling like sequins
On a ball gown
Are you there?
In heavens firmament
Are you the bright star?
The one more beautiful
Than its neighbour
A thing of beauty
As you once were
At my side

METICULOUSLY REHEARSED

I was prepared
I had it all planned out
Every word
Every gesture
Meticulously rehearsed
Till word perfect

I was prepared
For excitement
Unconfined joy
Tears of happiness
Words of love
And utter delight

I wasn’t prepared
For your reaction
Your unkind words
Your gestures
Tears of laughter
And utter rejection

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

When did it happen?
How did I not notice?
What distracted me?
Or have I been blind
Where did she go?
The awkward girl of yesterday
Where is that ungainly creature?
When did you become a woman?
Have I been blind all this time?
When did you bloom into woman hood?
When I looked away
You were an ugly duckling
When I looked back
A bird of paradise
When did you become so beautiful?

THE SEVENTIES

If the 60s was the decade of dreams
Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the decade when
The German hex over England began
As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970
They knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all went downhill from there
The defeat to Germany
Was to be England’s last appearance
In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The following year saw Arsenal,
The team we all love to hate,
Do the League and cup double.
1972 saw me enter the work place
And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a mixed year
Manchester United were relegated to division 2,
The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant other entered my life.
1974 United won promotion as champions
But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a force that would dominate for years to come.
The following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high point of the decade came in 77 when
United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal service resumed for 1978
As I discovered there was more to girls
Than holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar and spice and all thing nice
My significant other left me for an accountant,
Who supported Luton Town,
And to add insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so ended the decade of disappointments
When the only thing naffer than the music
Were the 70’s fashions
The decade that didn’t even have style
Or a decent musical accompaniment
The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares

THE SIXTIES

The sixties, what a decade
I was only five, when in 1960
The Beatles hit the scene
And the following year
JFK took office as President
In 1962 a very significant appointment,
That of Alf Ramsey as England Manager,
Who brought us the Wingless Wonders.
The reborn Manchester United
Rising phoenix like from the ashes of Munich
Won the FA Cup in 1963.
In 1964 I held hands with Carole Duffy,
A very wonderful event at the time,
1965 saw United win the League title
And the mini skirt first appeared
The latter was less significant when I was 10
Then in 66 England won the world cup
(And yes the ball did cross the line)
United won the League again the following year
And then fulfilling the dream,
So cruelly crushed 10 years before,
Manchester United won the European cup in 1968.
1969 was famously the year
That Linda McMahon first kissed me
Oh and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
For me it was a decade of dreams coming true
A time when I thought life just couldn’t get any better
And I was right, because then came the 70s

WHAT I WANT YOU TO WEAR

I’m looking forward to our date
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end

THE RELUCTANT VOYEUR

It was a hot summer day,
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace

SENIOR MOMENTS

I TOOK HIM TO THE MOUNTAIN

I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place

SENIOR SPEED

People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going

YOUNG AT HEART

Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places

RETIRED?

I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say

HAPPY HOURS

I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap

CRS

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet

Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog

SENIOR DILEMMA

Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first

SENIOR CONVERSE

You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say

A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT

Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there

GROWTH SPURTS

When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal

EASTER EGG HUNT

When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia

ACT OF MERCY

I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates

GENERALLY FUNNY

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest

THE LYNX EFFECT

I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it

DIPLOMACY

Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated

WHEN I DIE

When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end

MARGE AT LARGE

Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large

THE SPICE OF LIFE

In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners

ALPEN DANGER

My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli

TANGO’D

It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin

AMAZONIAN SPIDER

My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay

Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop

But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web

APPLE FAUX PAS

Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids

ALAS POOR HAMLET

Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;

KIDDIE FIDDLER

Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school

911

I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding

It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration

I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled

To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”

STEALING AN EMBRACE

If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting

THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS

The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion

THE NEW A-TEAM

I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more

Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff

DOOR STEPPING

There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet

They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness

MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why

ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN

All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster

ELECTORAL LAW

It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection

Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick

FULHAM’S FOLLY

Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad

NOT QUITE A CYCLONE

My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak

THE HABITS OF RABBITS

The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope

TRAGIC CARPET RIDE

An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof

HADRIAN’S WALL

The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt

THAT LIVED IN LOOK

To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick

THE RIGHT WEATHER

If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms

FAMILY INSURANCE

Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you

CRISP ETIQUETTE

The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles

THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES

Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise

The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD

EURO SURVEY

There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro

NEW CHEESE

I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok

I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”

AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER

I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat

LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG

I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way

REVERSE MODE

Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed

SAY?

I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say

WISING UP

My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise

SACKED

I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated

I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing

A PRESSING OCCUPATION

The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed

EASILY IMPRESSED

The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed

IN THE EVENT OF ???

When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?

SECULAR EDUCATION

The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer

70’S MUSICAL DESERT

The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all


POLTERGEIST?

Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese

FREAKISH

Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms

DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play

SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today

INVERSE

My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled

REPEAT OFFENDER

It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes