I’m looking forward to our date
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end
Monday, 27 June 2011
THE RELUCTANT VOYEUR
It was a hot summer day,
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace
Monday, 20 June 2011
SENIOR MOMENTS
I TOOK HIM TO THE MOUNTAIN
I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place
SENIOR SPEED
People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going
YOUNG AT HEART
Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places
RETIRED?
I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say
HAPPY HOURS
I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap
CRS
I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”
BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD
Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet
Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog
SENIOR DILEMMA
Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying
SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE
There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first
SENIOR CONVERSE
You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say
A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT
Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine
HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS
I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there
GROWTH SPURTS
When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
ACT OF MERCY
I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates
I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place
SENIOR SPEED
People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going
YOUNG AT HEART
Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places
RETIRED?
I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say
HAPPY HOURS
I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap
CRS
I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”
BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD
Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet
Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog
SENIOR DILEMMA
Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying
SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE
There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first
SENIOR CONVERSE
You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say
A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT
Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine
HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS
I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there
GROWTH SPURTS
When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
ACT OF MERCY
I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates
GENERALLY FUNNY
LIGHT ON HIS FETE
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff
DOOR STEPPING
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff
DOOR STEPPING
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
DATING PREMISE
When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume
THE MORNING AFTER
After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then
CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV
I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian
LIFE LESSON
When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches
IT’S NOT HIP
Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap
THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES
Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed
FALLEN FROM GRACE
When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round
IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1
If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead
I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN
If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies
THE STICK INSECT
My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing
MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND
My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic
THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS
A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied
When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume
THE MORNING AFTER
After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then
CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV
I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian
LIFE LESSON
When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches
IT’S NOT HIP
Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap
THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES
Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed
FALLEN FROM GRACE
When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round
IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1
If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead
I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN
If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies
THE STICK INSECT
My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing
MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND
My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic
THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS
A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied
MARRIAGE LINES
LOSING HER MIND
My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone
SENTENCING
In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME
My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute
THE NIGHT OUT
I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”
BURNT OFFERINGS
My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits
Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers
MY WIFE IS MAD
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT
My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet
WIFI WIFE
I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her
THE LOSS OF LOVE
The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating
NIGELA I’M NOT
I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house
SLEEPLESS
How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead
My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head
VIRGIN WHITE
Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor
MARITAL DISCOVERY
After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all
My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone
SENTENCING
In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME
My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute
THE NIGHT OUT
I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”
BURNT OFFERINGS
My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits
Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers
MY WIFE IS MAD
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT
My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet
WIFI WIFE
I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her
THE LOSS OF LOVE
The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating
NIGELA I’M NOT
I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house
SLEEPLESS
How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead
My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head
VIRGIN WHITE
Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor
MARITAL DISCOVERY
After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all
HEALTHY HUMOUR
GOOD HEALTH WARNING
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)