MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 5

My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6

My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7

My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 1

You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3

You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4

You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5

You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9

You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13

You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15

You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1

Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed

PUT DOWNS

PUT DOWN # 40

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

PUT DOWN # 41

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"

PUT DOWN # 42

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"

PUT DOWN # 43

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"

PUT DOWN # 44

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"

PUT DOWN # 45

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"

PUT DOWN # 46

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'

MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202

Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206

The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207

The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208

The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209

The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210

There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211

There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212

There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213

There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214

There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215

Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216

Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217

Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218

There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”

Variety

BIX

Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)

It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze

ARTIE

When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing

With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you

Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping

Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get

I PRAY FOR PEACE

I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea

MAKING DO

We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot

THE BLUE JEAN BOY

The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go

The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle

The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose

A MELLOW FELLOW

A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow

LADY MARY

Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady

Just A Bit Humerous

CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY

My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut

SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM

I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing

THE RIGHT QUESTION

“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”

TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE

When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand

A FISHY DEMISE

I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank

SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT

Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi

DOG-DAY AFTERNOON

I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”

THE MEASURE OF A MAN

Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way

“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down

He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street

Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down

A SMALL STATISTIC

Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy

PERSONAL BANKING

I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over

BUSAN TO SEOUL

I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move

FUMING WIFE

My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack

DEATH AT SEA

I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring

BREATH OF WIND

To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste

DISRESPECTING THE BOSS

Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy

Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers

She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer

ST ANTHONY

St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it

MILESTONE BIRTHDAY

I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10

SENIOR RETIREMENT

At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension

PARTY ANIMAL

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill

ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR

I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit

EMBRACE WITH CAUTION

Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away

ELEMENTARY TAXI

I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna

PARTY GUEST

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill

LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY

“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?

The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22

The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start

Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor

TGIF

I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list

SAY IT AS IT IS

Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk