THE ANNUAL BIRTHDAY BBQ BASH 2010

Don’t the years go quick?
It’s another birthday BBQ
It’s that time of year again
When acquaintance is renewed

When family and friends
Come affably together
To eat a hearty meal outdoors
And sod the English weather

The beer and wine is chilled
The buffet has been prepared
The BBQ is well alight
No planning has been spared

So everything is set fair
Most of the guests are here
But never wanting to be the first
Ted and Rene are last to appear

So a brace of Ted’s, a pair of Paul’s
Tina and Becky, Rosemary and Rene
Not to forget Gordon and Wendy
Were all assembled at the scene

I should also mention the children
As they are part of the family
But we kept them locked away
And they were forgotten easily

We sat in the quiet shade
Beneath the big gazebo
Erected against the expected rain
That thankfully failed to show

At last its time to eat
And excitement is running high
As everyone stood up
Tina poked Rosemary in the eye

And what did the assailant do
When seeing the result of this act
Was she humbly apologetic?
No, she laughed out loud in fact

Then suddenly a disaster occurred
Unrivalled at any previous year
And the nature of this calamity
We were running out of beer
So a quick dash out in the car
To the “Happy Shopper” store
And hopefully unnoticed
Return to home once more

I returned and an eerie hush descended
Silencing the function
But nothing sinister occurred
It was simply quiet consumption

When the pudding plates were empty
And glasses were refreshed
The dishwasher could be heard
Washing away the mess

The afternoon passed nicely by
In comfortable affability
With moments of silliness
And not a small amount of frivolity

Tina with hand outstretched
With a ruby ring on her finger
Like the time of her engagement
“Oh look see the light linger”

As usual on these occasions
The cat got all the attention
Not the birthday boy and BBQ chef
I just thought that I would mention

And when enough alcohol was drunk
Tea and coffee arrived instead
Not that anyone got smashed
Only a glass, and that was Ted

There were uninvited guests
Flies and wasps descended
But traps were set for the Jaspers
And one got decapitated

All too soon the time had come
For folk to wend their way
And fond fairwells were said
Until we meet on another day

Then came the time to draw a breath
And reflect on the festivity
Then open another can of beer
And say happy birthday to ME

A TOUCH OF LOVE

I HAVE LOST MY HEART

I have lost my heart
And you are now its keeper
With each moment that passes
My love for you grows deeper

Will you treasure my heart?
Are you worthy of its keeping?
Or will this infatuation
End with my heart weeping

OUR LOVE IS

Like the last leaves of autumn
Scattered to the four winds
Our love is drifting away

Like a desert river
Long run dry
Our love is desiccated

Like the winter landscape
Stark and bare
Our love is Barron

OUR LOVE WAS GONE

Like the cherry blossom
That once adorned the trees
Our love bloomed
But that was before the spring rain fell
And the winds blew in
Scattering what once was beauty
And with each petal torn from the bough
A bitter tear was shed
As each piece was carried on the wind
A word of accusation followed
And when the last petal was set free
Then our love was gone

LIKE THE WINTER TREES

Like the winter trees
Left stripped bare
By the autumn gales
Such is our marriage
Our love was once that leafy canopy
Which sheltered and nurtured
But it slowly change in hue
Then it dried up and blew away
On the winds of change
Until our love was no more

TREASURE BEYOND PRICE

If you find love
Treasure it
Don’t be a fool
And waste it
Bottle it and keep it safe
Make it last forever
When you find love
Never let it go

WITHOUT YOU

Without you
I am empty
I miss you
When you’re not with me

Without you
I’m incomplete
But when we’re together
I am Replete

Without you
I am tragic
But together
We can do magic

I COULD HAVE

If we had our time over
What could I have done better?
I could have talked to you more
I should have listened to you more
I could have spent more time with you
I could have thought more about you
I could have been more understanding
I could have been more forgiving
I could have said I love you more often
I could have held your hand more often
I could have loved you better I’m sure
But I could not have loved you more

MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT

My heart skips a beat
I have dancing feet
You have me in a spin
You make my head swim
My stomach is in knots
My eyes are seeing spots
You make my heart beat fast
Oh I’m in love at last
Yes its love without a doubt
I had better ask you out

ON THE SEXY SIDE

KNIGHT’S FAVOUR

I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy

FEELING A BIT GINGER

There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity

She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?

But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go

THE COMMANDO WIFE

George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"

TEMPORARY AFFLICTION

I have a stack of work to do
With deadlines to meet too
So much work I can’t get into
Because I just sit and stare at Sue

Sue is the new temporary
And she’s got me quite contrary
The last temp was very scary
Not to mention rather hairy

But Sue is such a rare beauty
Down to earth not at all snooty
But it’s hard to fulfil my duty
When I think of Sue getting fruity

AIMING TO HIGH

I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower

DESPERATELY SEEKING

She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend

But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well

A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP

I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught

BRIDAL DESIRE

Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought

Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent

It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital

But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace

FOOTBALL

ALADIN’S WISH

Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear

"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”

“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”

“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"

DRESSING UP

They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away

When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside

But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend

They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress

ON THE FUNNY SIDE

THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS

I was one of the baby boomers
And we were raised differently
The subsequent generations
Have developed much more selfishly
They are the falsetto generations
Because they always go me me me

SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be expensive
Play new swear word Scrabble
It’s a simple game not for the pensive
All words must be in common usage
And should be genuinely offensive

NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS

No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air



MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE

I miss Wake Up to Wogan
I miss the old camuggian
Wogan was the class, but alas
He’s been replaced by the brash

How did Chris Evans get the job?
That I can only surmise
But it’s like the Krankies
Replacing Morecambe and Wise

UNFORGETTABLE

He was such a forgetful man
He was like the absent minded professor
Unfortunately he was so forgetful
That he forgot to become a professor

SEXING FLIES

Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper

"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can;
The other two were on the phone"

A SPIRITUAL WALK

MALACHI’S WORDS

I sat by her bedside
As she lay motionless
Cruelly aware of her incarceration
Trapped inside a broken body
Unable to move
Unable to speak
A mere shadow of what once was
And in my black despair
I prayed for her
And I heard Malachi’s words
So I prayed for her release
So she would awake with the Lord
And burst forth from her stall
Like a young calf in springtime

FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to forgive
But we are taught we must
To be a good Christian
We must first forgive others
Before God can forgive us
But I find it hard to forgive
I cannot let go the bitterness
Or it’s associated baggage
The betrayal of those I thought friends
The deceit of family
The put downs and the knocks
The adversities and animosities
I cannot make that commitment to forgive
All I can do is promise to try
Try to climb that ladder of forgiveness
One painful rung at a time
And if I do succeed
In becoming a better person
A more forgiving person
If I manage to slowly climb the ladder
And earn Gods forgiveness
I will only do so with His grace
And not by some sweaty effort on my part

ANGELS OF THE CHOIR

Angels of the choir
Is this the sound of heaven?
Such sweet emanations’
Heaven sings out
Each note
Plucks at my heart
Lifts my soul
Then elevates me
Carrying me away
On a choral wave
Of sweet rapture
Then upon the final note
Of purest clarity
I return to earth

THANK YOU

Thank you for the morning
For the new day dawning
Thank you for the dawn chorus
Refreshing and delighting us
Thank you lord for another day
And for tomorrow if I may

HEATH MATTERS

DRASTIC SURGERY

People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic

IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND

Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods
As they try to turn back the clock
I think plastic surgery is nonsense
Trying to hold back the ravages of time
By nipping and tucking
And implanting and enhancing
It is an exercise in futility
People who have face lifts
Don’t look younger
Just permanently surprised
The medical profession
By trying to preserve aging flesh
Is approaching the problem
From the wrong direction
Would it not be better?
To transplant the brain
Of a mature man or woman
Into the body of a vacuous teenager
Then you could have fabulous sex
Followed by great conversation