GENTLEMENS RELISH

DOWN BENEATH HER DOWN

Down beneath her down
Drawn by passions scent
Of receptive loins
I sourced the open petals
Of her melliferous flower
And for my oscular stimulation
Of the moist blossom
I was rewarded
With sapourus delights
Until my esurience was satisfied

BLACK SILK DRESS

Her black silk dress
Fitted her like a sheath
The taught lines showed
Her nakedness beneath

Save for black-stockings
Gartered at the thigh
Stimulating to the loins
And pleasing to the eye

She turned every head
With her glamorous allure
Filled each one with thoughts
None of which were pure

DOWN AT THE BEACH

The beach was deserted
And silent
But for the gentle breaking of the waves
They were both naked
Her on her knees looking out to sea
He knelt behind her in the moonlight
Smelling her hair before nuzzling her neck
His hands were on her ample hips
His nuzzles turned to kisses
As his finger tips brushed
The soft flesh of her nakedness
His hands slid upwards across her silky skin
To caress the cupola’s of her breasts
And as his fingers teased her swelling mamilla
She turned her head toward him
And their mouths met
In wet hungry consumption
As passion intensified
He slid one hand slowly down across her belly
Fingers dallying briefly
In the lushness of her bush
Before finding the moist recess he sought
Her fervid response to his fingering
Brought her to the brink
And then bending her at the waist
He quickly pushed her forward
Until her head touched the sand
This presented her round buttocks to him
So he could see her open lipped pudendum
Glistening moistly in the moonlight
He slid his hands up and cupped her
Pendulous breasts
Caressing breast and teat
As he penetrated her heat

YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK

You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
If you have the urge
You can have me up against a wall
You don’t even have to ask
You don’t need to say please
Just snap your fingers
And I’ll be on my knees

You don’t even have to ask
Just unzip your trouser fly
Then I will do the rest
I’m always here to satisfy

You don’t even have to ask
We don’t even need to kiss
Just use me as a vessel
I will never ever resist

You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
But today like every day
You don’t notice me at all

WHEN AUNTY RUTH CAME TO VISIT

My Aunty Ruth came to visit
She wasn’t my real Aunty
She was my mum’s best friend
But she was a real beauty
Oh what a sight she was
To gladden a young mans eye
As she crossed her legs
Exposing an expanse of thigh
Another adjustment of her posture
Disclosed she was naked underneath
I could see right up her dress
All the way up to the heath
She knew I was looking at her
And I went very red indeed
Though I don’t know if she knew
That I filled my pants with my seed

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME? # 1

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Of you down on your knees
Attending to me orally

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was you wearing silk and lace
As you sit writhing on my face

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was to undress you in the office
And penetrate each orifice

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasies
About sex with you all the while
Would you look at me and smile?

BRONCO FILLY

You would have said
She was attractive
Glamorous even, certainly alluring
Which aroused my physical desire
And in my lustful state
I could have creamed my jeans
Just looking at her
But I didn’t need to
There was a libidinous look in her eyes
And they were looking at me
So we began with a simple kiss
Which became more fervent
Her ardency led to torrid embrace
And her caress touched
Every erogenous point of sensitivity
Until she was sexually receptive
Like a beast in Oestrus
And she mounted me
Riding me like a bronco
Until I was tamed

COME ON DARLING HEAR MY PLEA

Come on darling
Lets play hide the sausage
Let’s not hesitate
Come on darling hear my plea
Come on lets have a shag
You can choose which way
Monkey on a stick, reverse cowboy
Missionary or doggy fashion
Something new maybe
Like splitting the cicada
We can play with sex toys
I’ll insert ticklers up your vaginal canal
Or you can bite the pillow
For some penetration anal
If you don’t want a shag
A hand job or a tit-wank will do
Or please take it in the scull
I promise not to come in your face
When I tip my barrow
But you may get a pearl necklace
When I lose my load
You can sit on my face
Give me a golden shower
Get your knickers off
And I’ll give you a nosh
Just get your kit off
I promise to make you quiver and shiver
And shudder and judder
But please please remember
A sixty year old man
Should never waste an erection

A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot

WYNNE OR NO

Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E

THE FULL ENGLISH

I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty

SCARED HALF TO DEATH

Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?

MARTYRS LANE

When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”

A TRIP TO THE FARM

When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day

And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day

The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens cock a doodle doo

The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that fucking tractor
We hear the farmer bellow

MUSICAL FUSION

There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal

STRIKE TWO

What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice

KEEN TO BE GREEN

Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins

NATURAL HIGH

NATURAL HIGH

SENIOR HUMOUR

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday



SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt

You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud

In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist

Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart

I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt

Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime

It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled

I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired

YOUNG LOVERS # 1

Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour

My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?

BLONDE HUMOUR

STAY, STAY, STAY

Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”

DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE

Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied

TRANSPORT HUMOUR

OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously

But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man

I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure

Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see

SPORTING HUMOUR

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth

Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

BRITISH BULLDOG

Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God