Snow Whites wicked step mother
Was the Queen and a bit of a vamp
And often known to use her allure
On the men at the soldiers camp
She was jealous of Snow White
With her youth and innocent beauty
Feeling she might distract
The soldiers from doing their duty
So she had the woodsman take her
To the great forest and with his axe
The Queen had instructed him
To give her several whacks
But he could not kill the beautiful girl
So he told her to run and hide
And never return to the castle
It was in the forest she must abide
So she ran deep into the woods
And just as she was feeling tired
She came upon a little cottage
Which she very much admired
So she knocked on the little door
And a pompous dwarf opened it
“I’m looking for somewhere to stay
Could I stay with you for a bit?”
Prof said, she could stay for one night
Providing she helped with the chores
But she could stay for as long as she liked
In exchange for her sexual favours
Snow White thought for a moment
About the Profs indecent proposal
She decided that it suited her very well
As she did like a little cock after all
So they all had a go on Snow White
Prof was first then Blusher and Misery
They woke up Narcolepsy for his turn
Then Allergy, Cheerful and Divvy
She was a little disappointed with the sex
Not coming always made her grumpy
But then the eighth dwarf turned up
And this ones name was stumpy
Tuesday 9 February 2010
Wednesday 3 February 2010
THE GIRL ON THE BUS
I climbed the stairs
To the top deck
Then I found a seat
And sat
Then I heard a voice say “hi”
It was soft and gently spoken
I turned towards the voice
Which emanated from a girl
With the warmest smile
And her red hair ablaze
In the morning sun
And with her head slightly inclined
She said again “hi”
That’s all
Just “hi”
And with that simple word
Came her smiling eyes
Beneath her blazing hair
And a radiant glow
And a feeling came over me
A peaceful warm feeling
As warm as her smile
Then all at once
I felt so at ease
As if I had known her forever
Though I had seen her only once before
And did not think she had seen me
All she said was “hi”
But her tone spoke volumes
I returned her smile
And tamely said “hello”
I wanted to say so much more
She smiled again
This time with the heat
To match her flaming locks
I needed no words
As with that wondrous smile
All my questions were answered
To the top deck
Then I found a seat
And sat
Then I heard a voice say “hi”
It was soft and gently spoken
I turned towards the voice
Which emanated from a girl
With the warmest smile
And her red hair ablaze
In the morning sun
And with her head slightly inclined
She said again “hi”
That’s all
Just “hi”
And with that simple word
Came her smiling eyes
Beneath her blazing hair
And a radiant glow
And a feeling came over me
A peaceful warm feeling
As warm as her smile
Then all at once
I felt so at ease
As if I had known her forever
Though I had seen her only once before
And did not think she had seen me
All she said was “hi”
But her tone spoke volumes
I returned her smile
And tamely said “hello”
I wanted to say so much more
She smiled again
This time with the heat
To match her flaming locks
I needed no words
As with that wondrous smile
All my questions were answered
SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between
Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed
AND THE BEST PICTURE IS
It’s that time of the year once more
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history
But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity
Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers
“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap
Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do
Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap
“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit
“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot
These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history
But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity
Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers
“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap
Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do
Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap
“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit
“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot
These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime
THREE SEASONS IN A WEEK
It was a bracing walk
The sun shone brightly on the lake,
A weak autumnal sun,
Bright but un-warming
And a light wind stirred the branches
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
And added to the chill
The familiar pair of resident ducks
Bobbed on the choppy surface
Seemingly oblivious to the cold
Mist on the distant mountains
Hinted at what was to come
By the time I pushed open my front gate
I was suitably refreshed
And glad to be home
That night the storm hit
A storm that began as a hurricane
Far out across the ocean
Then as it hit the land
It was merely a tropical storm
When it got to us it was just a storm
But what a storm it was
Thick black clouds turning day to night
It rained and promised to rain even more
Inches and inches of rain
Large gray drops ran down the bare trees
And splashed on the grey waters of the lake
Bouncing off the green and brown backs
Of the resilient swimming ducks
The Hurricanes remnants
Took three days to pass
And left the lake considerable deeper
.
In the calm after the storm
We basked in the warmth
Of a bonus summers like day
Left in the tropical storms wake
The two ducks swam lazily across the still water
Bees were out looking for flowers
Ants crawled around in the grass,
Adding to their winter stock of food.
And squirrels chattered away
As they searched for acorns and pine nuts
And ran amongst the shadows
Of the dogwood trees
A blue heron flew to the very top
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
Doubtless lost in the storm
It spent the day recharging its batteries
And getting its bearings
Later it joined the ducks on the water
Obviously to ask directions
The next day summer had gone again
And autumn had returned
The day began with an overcast sky and chilly breeze
Later as I walked for a while beside the lake
It had become a warm and sunny day.
Warm of course, is a relative term
It was above freezing, just
The sun was bright; the wind light but cold
All was silent, the waters calm
A duck slept in the shadow
Of the leafless weeping cherry
The other was close by but silent
And the blue heron was perched,
Motionless, on the top of the bare dogwood
Before it launched itself
And after circling the lake once it was on its way
The squirrels were hiding
I saw no bees searching for flowers
And the ants were out of sight
Winter arrived yesterday
With heavy snow falling in the morning
Then the skies cleared
And the temperature plummeted
Today the landscape wass even more beautiful
And the lake was frozen
The ducks were no where to be seen
I don’t know where they go
But they always come back
The ground is crisp under foot
And it is very very cold
The squirrels were the only creatures I saw
And they were happily raiding their stores
Feasting on acorns and chasing around
I decided it was too cold for me
And headed for the fireside
To reflect on this week’s abundance of seasons
The sun shone brightly on the lake,
A weak autumnal sun,
Bright but un-warming
And a light wind stirred the branches
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
And added to the chill
The familiar pair of resident ducks
Bobbed on the choppy surface
Seemingly oblivious to the cold
Mist on the distant mountains
Hinted at what was to come
By the time I pushed open my front gate
I was suitably refreshed
And glad to be home
That night the storm hit
A storm that began as a hurricane
Far out across the ocean
Then as it hit the land
It was merely a tropical storm
When it got to us it was just a storm
But what a storm it was
Thick black clouds turning day to night
It rained and promised to rain even more
Inches and inches of rain
Large gray drops ran down the bare trees
And splashed on the grey waters of the lake
Bouncing off the green and brown backs
Of the resilient swimming ducks
The Hurricanes remnants
Took three days to pass
And left the lake considerable deeper
.
In the calm after the storm
We basked in the warmth
Of a bonus summers like day
Left in the tropical storms wake
The two ducks swam lazily across the still water
Bees were out looking for flowers
Ants crawled around in the grass,
Adding to their winter stock of food.
And squirrels chattered away
As they searched for acorns and pine nuts
And ran amongst the shadows
Of the dogwood trees
A blue heron flew to the very top
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
Doubtless lost in the storm
It spent the day recharging its batteries
And getting its bearings
Later it joined the ducks on the water
Obviously to ask directions
The next day summer had gone again
And autumn had returned
The day began with an overcast sky and chilly breeze
Later as I walked for a while beside the lake
It had become a warm and sunny day.
Warm of course, is a relative term
It was above freezing, just
The sun was bright; the wind light but cold
All was silent, the waters calm
A duck slept in the shadow
Of the leafless weeping cherry
The other was close by but silent
And the blue heron was perched,
Motionless, on the top of the bare dogwood
Before it launched itself
And after circling the lake once it was on its way
The squirrels were hiding
I saw no bees searching for flowers
And the ants were out of sight
Winter arrived yesterday
With heavy snow falling in the morning
Then the skies cleared
And the temperature plummeted
Today the landscape wass even more beautiful
And the lake was frozen
The ducks were no where to be seen
I don’t know where they go
But they always come back
The ground is crisp under foot
And it is very very cold
The squirrels were the only creatures I saw
And they were happily raiding their stores
Feasting on acorns and chasing around
I decided it was too cold for me
And headed for the fireside
To reflect on this week’s abundance of seasons
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90
The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91
What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93
Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95
What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97
One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98
One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102
Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104
Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105
Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106
Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107
Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108
The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109
This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110
Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111
The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113
Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114
Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115
Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117
“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118
When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster
The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91
What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93
Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95
What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97
One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98
One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102
Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104
Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105
Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106
Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107
Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108
The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109
This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110
Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111
The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113
Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114
Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115
Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117
“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118
When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster
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