TWENTY SOMETHING, SWEET YOUNG THING

Twenty something
Sweet young thing
You smile at me each day
“Hello” or “Hi” you might say
The carriage rattles along
Rushing us towards the throng
The train wheels sing a song
And I picture you in a thong
You look up from you book
And give me a quizzical look
Can you read my thoughts?
I’d better think about sports
No, no that doesn’t help at all
Now you’re playing beach volley ball
Twenty something
Sweet young thing
Looking at me quizzically
This is the affect you have on me
Better not read my mind?
You don’t know what you’ll find
In my head I often caress
The soft curves of your tender flesh
As I divest you of your attire
And satisfy my every carnal desire
A smile replaces your quizzical look
Before your eyes return to your book
I must not have these thoughts again
When we are together on the train
Twenty something
Sweet young thing

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

Twenty one today, the birthday girl
Blushing beauty beneath soft curls
You are the most beautiful creature
With such a delightful nature
You smile and it lights up your face
And I look at your breasts to my disgrace
You would not smile at me so sweetly
If you knew I wanted you completely
Oh beautiful creature demurely dressed
How I yearn for you to divest
If you could read my lustful mind
Such filthy thoughts there you would find
Is your nature as innocent as it seems
Or are you as dirty as in my dreams
If you knew of the one I dreamed last night
Of how you succumbed without a fight
I kissed and caressed the breast I cupped
And of your sweet nectar I greedily supped
Then like beasts we met in congress
But it was only a dream I must confess
Oh pretty thing with sumptuous figure
Let me consume you in my vigour
Oh pretty young lady, half my age
Release my passion from its cage

HOLOCAUST

Since the cooling of the Nazi’s oven fires
And the fading glow of the funeral pyres
The world has had to endure the mutterings
Of those who deny the holocausts sufferings
The inane ramblings of conspiracy theorists
The bigoted bile of Islamic fundamentalists
The holocaust now stricken from the syllabus
We must not speak of it lest we cause a fuss
We must appease the liberal sentiments
For God forbid we might cause offence
But the holocaust happened, SHOUT it aloud
Shout it in the face of the apathetic crowd
For if we do not condemn the holocaust deniers
Somewhere, one day they will relight the fires

MILITARY MIX

THE TREATY

The eleventh hour
The T’s were crossed
And the I’s were dotted
The eleventh day
Books were balanced
Of the butchers tally
The eleventh month
Seeds were sown
For the Second World War
By the French at Versailles

SAVIORS

When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is

SHIP RAGE

The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!“
I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”

BANG YOUR DEAD

A nuclear war, can they say
Ruin your whole bloody day
For in any atomic hostility
All men are cremated equally

HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON

I think war is probably God's way
Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say
But it won’t be a lesson in theology
Its more likely a to be in geography

THE MILITARY WAY

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it
Having someone take a shot at you, and miss is the most satisfying feeling
Every retreat is a tactical withdrawal
Make sure you are not conspicuous in the combat zone it draws fire
Incoming fire has the right of way
Learn never to volunteer for anything
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions
Accurate incoming enemy fire is only surpassed by incoming friendly fire
Remember friendly fire ain't
You know the quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
When you can be seen by your sergeant you, can be seen by the enemy
Any time you are in advance of your own positions, the artillery will fall short
You know that no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy

DEGREES OF HUMOUR

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

BE ALERT

On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see

But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss

But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages

Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

JIM PANSY

Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee

SENIOR MOMENTS

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"

SPORTING MOMENTS

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2

If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git