DEGREES OF HUMOUR

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

BE ALERT

On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see

But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss

But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages

Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

JIM PANSY

Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee