21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES YET AGAIN

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
That we get down to it in my room

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

LADS AND LADDETTES

Going out
Saturday nights
Looking for birds
Looking for fights
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
Young lads do
It’s always been
It’s nothing new

Going out
On the weekend
Looking for fun
Going with friends
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
The laddettes do
I guess that thatIs equality for you

ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT

If success you will achieve
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest

ASSORTED LOVE POEMS

ALPHABET OF LOVE

You are my ANGEL come to earth
The BEST thing that ever happened to me
You are my CONFIDENT, my assurance
You are my DARLING with a capital D

You are EVERYTHING in my world
Whose FRIENDSHIP is beyond measure
You are the GUARDIAN of my life
You are a HEROINE to be treasured

You are my INSPIRATION, my muse
You are JULIET to my Romeo
Your KINDNESS touches every heart
You are my LOVER in the afterglow

You are all the best MOMENTS of my life
You are the NUMBER 1 hit for me
You are my ONE and only
You are PERFECTION with a capital P

Nothing can QUELL my burning passion
You are ROMANCE made flesh
You are my SOULMATE
You are the TREASURE of any quest

You are the star in my UNIVERSE
My VALENTINE each and every day
You mean the entire WORLD to me
You are X –RATED when we play

YOU are the only one I want to be with
With you I have reached my ZENITH

IF EVER TWO SOULS

If ever two souls could become one entity
Then that pair would be you and I
And no woman would ever be more loved that you
If ever one entity were made from we two

SO I WILL GIVE YOU MY HEART

You are a vision in my eye
A veritable goddess, exquisite
Perfection, that’s what I see
When I look at you
But when you look my way
You don’t really see me
It’s as if I am invisible
You look right through me
You don’t even see my beating heart
So full of love for you
More with every passing day
But I cannot make you see me
So I will give you my heart,
I can give nothing more
Being invisible and insubstantial
Here it is, take my heart
Guard it and keep it secure
Until that moment when
You feel the same as I
And the heart I gave to you
Becomes more precious than a gem
That instant when your heart
Takes you unawares
And I am no longer invisible
That moment you crave to be with me
And will be content
To be my only love

LOVES METAPHOR

Not even the angels above
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Deeper than the deepest ocean
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind

I WILL BE AS THE GRANITE ROCK

I will be as the granite rock
In your times of sorrow
I will be the joy in all your yesterdays
And again in your tomorrows
I will love you forever
Until the poets run out of rhyme
Or the sun no longer shines
I will love you till the end of time
I AM NO SUPERMAN

I am no superman
No man of steel,
I am not super human
Not endowed with special powers
I have no heart of stone
Nor feet of clay
I am human
Prick my finger, see me bleed
I am no angel
Nor am I devil
I am not inhuman
Not devoid of emotion
I am just a man
Ordinary, average
Unremarkable
With hopes and dreams
Plans and aspirations
And a heart to give
When I meet her

WHETHER OR WHEN

Whether plain and frumpy
Or even cross and grumpy
Whether fat or skinny
In a long dress or a mini
Whether sober or tipsy
From New York or Poughkeepsie
On green grass or on clover
Perhaps on a train from Dover
Who, where, how is a way to begin
But what I want to know is when
When is the burning question
That’s affecting my digestion
When will I discover
Who will be my lover?

VALENTINE QUESTION

Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead

INCONSEQUENTIAL?

Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong
The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world

A Little Bit More Humour

SHARING

We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection

THE IT GIRL

I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete

COMFORT EATER

Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear

PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue

Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head

Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue

THE MARITAL PROCESS

I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process

CUPID FIRED

I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head

LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS

Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through

BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea

DIPPED OUT

In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”

SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread

HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S

Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out

WEDDING SUPER

Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at

BACHELOR BOY

A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable

MEN ARE ALL THE SAME

Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?

WOW FACTOR

When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart

HONEYMOON ADVICE

On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations

SUCCESSFUL

A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend

THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE

When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

SLEEPING BEAUTIES

Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night

WHAT'S LONG AND HARD

What's long and hard and makes women moan?
I think that is universally known
Let us all shout out the answer in accord
The answer has to be an ironing board

ACUMEN AND WOMEN

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need

ARGUMENTATIVE

The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument

FUTURE

Until she gets a husband
A woman worries about her future life
But a man never worries about the future
Until he gets a wife

KISS OF DEATH

A man who, for twenty years
Hasn’t kissed his wife
Seeing another kiss her
Is moved to take that mans life

A WORD OF WARNING

A word of warning, a word to the wise
Don’t be one of that ilk of women
Who get all exited about nothing
Because you’ll end up marrying them

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat

SIGNS OF STRESS

Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess

OUT LIKE A LIGHT

I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead

USE AS DIRECTED

If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care

SENIOR HIGH

I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING

Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake

MISTAKES

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
I was taught as a kid
As long as you learn something
From the things you did
I have learnt a lot about mistakes
And now I’m in my prime
I find some mistakes are too much fun
To only make one time

FROM LENT TILL EASTER

MY COOKIE LAMENT

Oh what a pleasure they represent
Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent
Whether foreign fare of strange accent
Or posh ones made for lady and gent
Or those down the bargain basement
Even with broken ones I am content
But I must cease those moments spent
Devouring the cookies heaven sent
And sing loud my sad cookie lament
Of a man left alone in his torment
For as the treat that they represent
I have given cookies up for lent

GETHSEMANE

In that favoured retreat
Of Gethsemane’s garden
Did the Prince of peace
In his agonies
Sweat blood upon
That fertile ground
Forsaken by his father
Doubting his destiny
And how wretchedly betrayed
By that simple Judas kiss

ON A HILL IN CALVARY

On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible

On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible

On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanised
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us

MR GLISTEN COMES TO TOWN

The snow has come its falling fast
Its time to dance about and cheer
Soon it will be time to build a snowman
I build the same one every year

When the snow is lying deep and fresh
I go to the cupboard in my room
Where I get his hat, gloves and scarf
And of course his birchwood broom

Mum says “don’t you stay out long”
But she knows that I don’t listen
She knows that it takes some time
To build the perfect Mr Glisten

I always start in the same place
And make the body large and round
For his head I roll a smaller ball
Rolling it on the snowy ground

Soon he stands up taller than me
Rising up from the fallen snow
Each year it takes a little longer
As like me each year he grows

Down his front go pebble buttons
From his neck down to the floor
His stick arms wear his gloves
Which don’t really fit him anymore

Then I put on his scarf and hat
His birch broom stands by his side
Marbles to make his eyes shine
And a stick mouth smiling wide

Last the carrot nose goes in place
And I step back and a moment spend
Gazing at the happy snowman face
Then I say “Hello my old friend”