A Little Bit More Humour

SHARING

We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection

THE IT GIRL

I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete

COMFORT EATER

Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear

PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue

Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head

Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue

THE MARITAL PROCESS

I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process

CUPID FIRED

I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head

LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS

Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through

BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea

DIPPED OUT

In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”

SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread

HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S

Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out

WEDDING SUPER

Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at

BACHELOR BOY

A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable

MEN ARE ALL THE SAME

Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?

WOW FACTOR

When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart

HONEYMOON ADVICE

On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations

SUCCESSFUL

A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend

THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE

When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

SLEEPING BEAUTIES

Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night

WHAT'S LONG AND HARD

What's long and hard and makes women moan?
I think that is universally known
Let us all shout out the answer in accord
The answer has to be an ironing board

ACUMEN AND WOMEN

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need

ARGUMENTATIVE

The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument

FUTURE

Until she gets a husband
A woman worries about her future life
But a man never worries about the future
Until he gets a wife

KISS OF DEATH

A man who, for twenty years
Hasn’t kissed his wife
Seeing another kiss her
Is moved to take that mans life

A WORD OF WARNING

A word of warning, a word to the wise
Don’t be one of that ilk of women
Who get all exited about nothing
Because you’ll end up marrying them

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat

SIGNS OF STRESS

Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess

OUT LIKE A LIGHT

I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead

USE AS DIRECTED

If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care

SENIOR HIGH

I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING

Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake

MISTAKES

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
I was taught as a kid
As long as you learn something
From the things you did
I have learnt a lot about mistakes
And now I’m in my prime
I find some mistakes are too much fun
To only make one time

FROM LENT TILL EASTER

MY COOKIE LAMENT

Oh what a pleasure they represent
Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent
Whether foreign fare of strange accent
Or posh ones made for lady and gent
Or those down the bargain basement
Even with broken ones I am content
But I must cease those moments spent
Devouring the cookies heaven sent
And sing loud my sad cookie lament
Of a man left alone in his torment
For as the treat that they represent
I have given cookies up for lent

GETHSEMANE

In that favoured retreat
Of Gethsemane’s garden
Did the Prince of peace
In his agonies
Sweat blood upon
That fertile ground
Forsaken by his father
Doubting his destiny
And how wretchedly betrayed
By that simple Judas kiss

ON A HILL IN CALVARY

On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible

On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible

On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanised
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us

MR GLISTEN COMES TO TOWN

The snow has come its falling fast
Its time to dance about and cheer
Soon it will be time to build a snowman
I build the same one every year

When the snow is lying deep and fresh
I go to the cupboard in my room
Where I get his hat, gloves and scarf
And of course his birchwood broom

Mum says “don’t you stay out long”
But she knows that I don’t listen
She knows that it takes some time
To build the perfect Mr Glisten

I always start in the same place
And make the body large and round
For his head I roll a smaller ball
Rolling it on the snowy ground

Soon he stands up taller than me
Rising up from the fallen snow
Each year it takes a little longer
As like me each year he grows

Down his front go pebble buttons
From his neck down to the floor
His stick arms wear his gloves
Which don’t really fit him anymore

Then I put on his scarf and hat
His birch broom stands by his side
Marbles to make his eyes shine
And a stick mouth smiling wide

Last the carrot nose goes in place
And I step back and a moment spend
Gazing at the happy snowman face
Then I say “Hello my old friend”

DECEMBER RESPITE

It was a cold and gray December day
With a biting wind that took your breath away
My errands run I headed towards the pub
Where I took refuge in the saloon bar
I made myself comfortable beside the fire
And prepared to get on the outside of a large brandy
My eyes were drawn to the centre of the room
Where sat a striking strawberry blonde
She was sitting with her legs crossed
A pen in one hand a drink in the other
She was concentrating on something
A crossword clue or perhaps a Sudoku
And her bottom lip pursed slightly downward
Almost like a wilting pink rose petal
Then her eye kind of crinkled up
That combined with a slight inclination of her head
Gave me the impression she was confused
I assumed over what she was studying
Then I noticed a flash of golden light in her hair
As if her strawberry curls had ignited
But a shaft of sunlight had burst through the grey December skies
And I realised the sun had made her squint
This in turn screwed up her nose
Then caused her to sneeze
And she sneezed quite indelicately
Then again and again
This fit of sneezing had an added interest to me
As apart from the obvious effects
The shaft of sunlight had rendered her blouse transparent
And each sneeze caused her breasts to rearrange themselves
Within her non existent blouse
And her sneezing fit had taken on a more sensual quality
But alas all too soon the sneezing stopped
But I’m pleased to say her breathing had not
And I watched with fascination
As with each subsequent breath she took
Her breasts reshaped themselves inside her bra
She was blissfully unaware that her blouse was now translucent
And that each adjustment she made to her straps
Served only to more sharply define her assets
But all good things must come to an end
And thanks to a thoughtless cloud
The sunlight was snuffed out
It had been a most pleasant respite
Studying her most wondrous topography
It’s amazing how the little things in life
Can brighten up the dullest of winter days
It may have been an un-gentlemanly thing to do
Ungallant I suppose not to have averted my gaze
But she only had herself to blame
On a cold and gray December day
She should have been wearing a vest

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES, AGAIN

# 12

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother

# 13

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

# 14

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”

# 15

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging

# 16

Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection

SHE CAME IN THE NIGHT

It was in the early spring
When nature causes sap to rise
Before the dawn in the early hours
When from the shadows she emerged
With an ethereal quality
She moved slowly in the half light
Of the flickering candlelight
Revealing her form in snapshots
Naked but for the flimsiest garb
Something filmy, delicate and sheer,
Which hung from her sylphish form
Like a fine cloak of gossamer
A delicate silken web covered with dew
As she came closer her scent assailed my senses
Initially it cloyed in my throat, sickly sweet
Then intoxicated me like strong wine
Then she stood before me
Wearing the light gauzy fabric
Diaphanous and insubstantial
Which rendered her naked to my eyes
And I gazed into the hypnotic green of hers
The spell was broken by her sweet breath
Which plumed between us in the cold air
In rhythm to the heaving of her chest
Her breasts crowned by her arousal
My eyes moved from the erect sentinels
To the sable triangle below her soft belly
Then returned to be once again entranced
By the sultry green eyes of the seductress
In a silken movement she discarded the flimsy garment
And moved closer, only millimeters away
So close I could feel the beating of her heart
And with every breath she took
Her nipples gently brushed against my skin
Then I felt her hands on my skin
And electricity seemed to move between us
Her touch, soft and delicate on my skin
And as they moved across my body
It felt as though I was being wrapped in silk
Her lips pressed gently against my skin
As she kissed my chest, my neck, my throat
Then up to my cheek and finally my lips
Where she moistly kissed my mouth
Then without warning she became animal and urgent
As she pushed me onto the bed
Her nails dug deep into my flesh
And her mouth pressed hard against mine
Her tongue was darting into my mouth like a piston
Her hands sought me out and found me hard and pulsing
She tugged at my hardness, then enveloped me
Immersing me in her, coating me in warm honey
Her muscles were tight about me
As all at once she was rising and falling on me
Her mouth left mine and her tongue explored my ear
And her sharp teeth chewed at my lobe
Deep rasping breaths turned into loud animal moans
As her exertions became more urgent
Her mouth returned to mine as her passions grew
And when the first orgasm rippled through her
Her kisses turned to bites and she bit my lip
Then she began to lose control and she lost the rhythm
I gripped tight on her hips and imposed my beat
Her moans had turned to wails
And she whipped me with her hair
As she cast her head back and fourth with each stroke
Then that moment arrived
When we both stood upon the edge,
Of that most delicious precipice
Between the bestial coupling, primeval and base
And that joyful release of climax
I exploded inside her with an involuntary grunt
And she let out a banshee wail
All of a sudden I was wide awake
Laying alone, my skin moist with sweat
The bed in total disarray
I was breathing hard and
I imagined I could still smell her scent
And as I moistened my lips
I detected something odd
The metallic taste of blood on my tongue

A Little bit Of Humour

IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN

George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

In class one day a boy named Benny
Needed to go to the toilet suddenly
So he called out loudly to Miss
“Please I really need to take a piss”
The teacher said “No you must wait”
“The correct word to use is urinate”
If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly
I will allow you to go to the lavatory
And so thought the boy called Benny
Desperate now to spend a penny
"You're an eight miss” says young Ben
“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi syllables”
The teacher addressed her class
“Does anyone have an example?”
One boy put up his hand
“Please miss I have an example”
He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my example”
The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer syllables”

NEW RESOLVE

My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”