A Little Bit Of Humour # 9

mARE YOU WEARING SEVEN INCH HEELS?

Are you wearing seven inch heels?
As you’re tottering down the street
But don’t you feel silly standing
Six foot two in your stocking feet

AT DR DOOLITTLE’S ANIMAL CLINIC

At Dr Doolittle’s animal clinic
The Animals do the lot
The chief vet is a Labrador
Assisted by a dog called spot

But it’s not a cheap option
With extra charges of all sorts
For PET scans and Polly grams
Cat scans and Lab reports

THE WILDLIFE DOWN UNDER

The wildlife down under
Includes the Wallabies
But if truth be known they’re
Just Kangaroo Wannabies

IN THE EUROPEAN FORESTS

In the European forests
The wild boar can be vicious
But it’s worth the risk
As they’re bloody delicious

FOOD SCANDAL

The best thing to result
From the food scandal by far
Is that they can now call off
The search for Shergar

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward
Placed his stethoscope
On the chest of an elderly patient
By the name of Mrs Hope

She was quite a bit deaf
So he said “big breaths,” loudly
“Well Doctor they used to be,”
Mrs Hope replied proudly

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?
No of course there is no disgrace
But I do think I should point out
That you don’t put it on your face

MY WIFE AND I ARE INSEPARABLE

My wife and I are inseparable
Do you want to know why?
Because if either of us went away
We would have to kiss goodbye

MY DEAR WIFE SAID TO ME

My dear wife said to me
“I hate you when you’re drunk Stephen”
I replied, “Well I hate you
When I’m sober so that makes us even”

MOBILE COMMUNICATION 2013

“I want to buy a mobile phone,
No I don’t want a camera,
Not even video,
No I don’t want movie down loads
Screensaver’s, internet access,
Or downloads of any kind
I don’t want WAP or WiFi
G3, G4 or G5
I don’t need 100 ringtones
10000 free minutes
Or unlimited texts at weekends
I don’t need a I GB data allowance
I don’t want to play games
I don’t need an MP3 player
I don’t want a tracker,
I neither want nor need
Blue tooth
Sharks tooth
Hounds tooth
Or dog tooth.
I do not require the world at my fingertips.
In short, what I want is a device
To make and receive phone calls
And to send and receive texts
I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”
“Thank you that one will be perfect
Does it have a torch?”

FOOD SCARE

I have just found out
That in the meals I buy
That there is sea horse
In my fisherman’s pie

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

My philosophy of life
Is a simple one
I recommend you try it,
You’ll be glad

Love the people
Who treat you right
Pray for the ones
Who treat you bad

TAKING THE CHERRY

The Cherry Ripe bar
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included

FATHER’S DAY

Don’t forget dad on Father’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives him to drink

HARE OF THE DOG

I need a bit of a pick me up
After a very boozy lunch
A “hare of the dog” is the thing
After too much Rabbit Punch

A Little Bit Of Humour # 8

OUT OF THIS WORLD PRODUCE

My supermarkets veg is the best
Normally for quality you can’t beat it
But I bought some rocket salad
That went off before I could eat it

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study
And transfusions of Chicken blood
Are more beneficial medically

The positive side effects are that
It tends to make the men cocky
And women lay more regularly

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

I walked past a homeless man
As I went into Co-op express
On my way out he said “Any Change?”
I replied “No, you're still homeless”

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING

Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake

EMOTIONAL WEDDING

I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”

NEW ABODE

At the weekend a friend of mine
Moved into a new house
And not wanting to visit
Empty handed I used a bit of nouse
And bought her a gift
I knew that she couldn’t resent
A couple of small radiators
As a little house warming present

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up
In the morning with regret,
So I think not waking up until
After lunch is the safest bet

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

The only difference between
A guard dog and mummy
Is that the guard dog will
Let go of you eventually

KEYBOARDS

In the 1970’s I was big into
Keyboards and synthesizers
I like Wakeman, and Emerson
In fact I was a moog sympathizer

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

Have you ever had?
The kind of day
That almost drove you insane

When you wish
You’d done it differently
But your wishing is in vain

If only we could press
“Ctrl Alt Delete”
And start the day again

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks
And blood red lips
Varnished nails
And tattooed flesh
Dyed sculptured hair
And black shadowed brow
Who are you?
All pierced and painted
And what have you done
With my lovely daughter?

MOTHER’S DAY

Don’t forget mum on Mother’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives her to drink

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre
As they didn’t want to take a risk
As a suspicious object was seen in a car
It turned out later to be a tax disk

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF CONTEMPT?

Are you wearing a look of contempt?
After my ham fisted clumsy attempt
Clearly I can indeed see that you are
After failing to unhook that bloody bra

GIFTED AMATEURS

If someone says they’re an Amateur
There’s really no need to panic
Because Amateurs built the Ark
While Professionals built the Titanic

A Little Bit Of Humour # 7

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI-KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Cami-knickers?
Well might I ask the reason why?
Now they’re deliciously sexy things
Though not really appropriate on a guy
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE

I have found at my age
When the day is dawning
The easiest thing in the world
Is to roll out of bed in the morning
Getting up off the floor however
Really leaves me yarning

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU

Whatever life throws at you
The thing you must do
To be at your very best
Is bat it back with interest
Or if you are out of luck
Your best bet is to duck
You are safe that way
If you duck out of the way
When there is no way to stop it
Then someone else will cop it

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

It doesn’t matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine

PERSONAL HYGIENE

The instructions
On my new stick deodorant read
Remove cap
And push up bottom. It said
I complied with the instructions
And it made my eyes water
I had difficulty walking
I had to grip my buttocks taughter
But when I had to fart
I did so quite softly
And noticed at once
That the room smelt lovely

PRIORITISING

Players perform elaborate routines
When goals are scored by my team
They must practise them for days
But I would prefer in many ways
That the celebration performers
Would practise defending corners

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question was a mare
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”
I thought “this is an easy one for me”
The correct answer was actually Fiji

BABY CARE UNIT

I just heard about an incident
That is reportedly true
Concerning a hospital
That has caused a to do
About the baby’s face
Somebody taped a dummy to
Well I have kids myself
And I would, wouldn’t you?

SENIOR BUFFER

I went into PC World
With a print error
And their solution
Filled me with terror

The spotty youth
On his help desk stint
Said I had to
Control P to print

I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL

I ordered the Tarka Dal
It was like lentil soup only hotter
I was a bit disappointed
As I was expecting curried otter

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?

Are you wearing a strapless bra?
With tits the size of yours
You’d have done better
Tucking then into your drawers

PATIENTS RIGHTS

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop
My visitors coming to see me?”
She replied “you know perfectly well why,
You broke the rules Mr Ellery”
“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted
“I’m allowed to have three”
“You are allowed friends and family not
Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries

A FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP

When I first dated my wife
Long ago in another life
I would get aroused watching her
Eating a banana
Now, thirty years later
It’s quite a different matter
I only get exited watching her
If she chokes on the banana

BIRTHDAY TREAT

When your wife asks,
Which of her friends,
You would choose from,
To attend
Your birthday treat
And participate
In a threesome,
You shouldn’t hesitate
But a word of caution
When she asks you
Just give her the one name
And not two

DOMESTIC TIP

How do you turn on the dishwasher?
My friend asked me
I replied that in my house
Blowing in her ear was the key

A Little Bit Of Humour # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A STICK ON TATTOO?

Are you wearing a stick on tattoo?
Is that really the best you could do?
What? You were too scared to get proper ink?
What will the rest of the chapter think?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

As I came out of the chippy
With two steak and kidney pies
Large chips and mushy peas,
An old wino, with sad eyes
Said “I haven’t eaten for two days”
Pausing I looked to the skies
Then I replied “I wish that I
Had will power like you guys”

KFC FAT CONTENT

An obese girl served me today
When I went in to KFC
She said “sorry about the wait.”
All smiley and friendly
I replied “don't worry dear,
You might lose it eventually”

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

Women are not moody
Not a bit of it
Its just they have days
When, lets face it
They are not prepared
To put up with the shit

COQ AU VAN

I tried cooking with wine last night
But it didn’t go very well therein
After five generous glasses
I forgot why I was in the kitchen

OK STEVE

He said “it’s Stephen with a PH”
Which I thought pedantic
But he wasn’t a fussy git at all
He was just very acidic

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

The fire officer did his inspection today
And he asked me “In the event of a fire,
Tell me what steps would you take?"
I replied "Bloody big ones" squire

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS

I am blessed with friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
An abundance of riches
My friend’s numbers are Rife
And when mixed together
They are the fruit cake of life

BLEAK FORECAST

There was Snow in the forecast!
And the TV weather girl said
“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”
I thought to myself, “what a big head”
And anyway with a face like that
She’d need her vibrator Instead

ARE YOU WEARING A LACE UP CORSET?

Are you wearing a lace up corset?
All whale bone and string
Oh Wow it looks really sexy
But how do I get into the thing?

KEY PLAN

I am always loosing my keys
So I have devised a plan
My husband is horrified
As the car might be stolen

But to my way of thinking
It’s the perfect solution
After all what could be simpler
Than leaving them in the ignition

GETTING INTO FLORA

"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"
John said to the Florist
"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"
The florist asks to assist
After a moment John replied
"Well, a shag would be top of my list"

SPICE GIRL

It was the plan of my wife
To spice up our love life
This involved her dressing up
To encourage me to tup
Now I have to say I didn’t mind
Watching her bump and grind
But as she played her sexy role
She didn’t dance around a pole
Nor gyrate upon my lap
To encourage my old chap
But even with all the gyrating
My libido was still hesitating
In fact there wasn’t a glimmer
As she danced around her Zimmer

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

I am now a lonely widower
And all my buddies are dead
But there are compensations
That must definitely be said

There’s life in the old dog yet
That’s all I have to say,
As I go to the retirement home
For my fifty shades of grey

DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE

I spent two hours defrosting
The fridge yesterday
Although my darling wife
Prefers to call it foreplay

A Little Bit Of Humour # 5

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 3

When my Gran got out of bed
After bedding one of her chaps
She felt pains down below
Coz she was standing on her flaps

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IS THIS

My philosophy on life is this
Whatever life throws at me
Without thinking I pick it up
And throw it back instantly

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

NICE ONE JAMIE

My children can never forgive
That interfering Jamie Oliver
For bring about the early demise
Of their favourite Turkey Twizzler

LOST PROPERTY

I left two bottles of Whisky
On the train to Prestatyn
I thought them gone for ever
Until a nice man called Glynn
Of the lost property office
Telephoned me from Prestatyn
To say the man who found them
Had just been handed in

CHARITY PLEADERS # 2

Just 3 pounds a month
From me and you
Will help to pay the lease
On their luxury HQ

I HAVE MY FIVE A DAY

I have my five a day
Every day of the week
Here is today’s list
Just you have a peek
Two Fig Newton’s and
A banana milk shake
One chocolate orange
And a carrot cake

DEPRESSED DRINKER

I used to have a coping strategy
For when things got grim
I would try to drown my sorrows
But the bastards learned how to swim

SITTING ON THE BACK ROW

Sitting on the back row
When the cinema’s dark inside
With your left handed girl
Try to keep on her right side

HOUSE CALL

“How long have you been bedridden?”
The visiting doctor asked
The patient replied “well certainly not
Since my husband passed”

A LOVING ATMOSPHERE

A loving atmosphere, at home,
Is such an important thing
A tranquil harmonious home
Is vital to your well being
Do all you can to create one
By not having offspring

MY DOCTOR SAYS

My doctor says
I have been in continent,
But I don't know

I can’t remember
But if the doctor is right
Then where did I go?

CAN I BUY A GOLDFISH?

I went in to a pet shop and said,
“Can I buy a goldfish?”
The girl said, “certainly sir
If that’s what you wish,
Do you want an aquarium?”
She asked putting me in a tiz
Finally I replied “Well actually
I don't care what star sign it is”

ARE YOU WEARING A PUSH UP BRA?

Are you wearing a push up bra?
Well I think you’ve pushed them up too far
I’m not sure where they should begin
But they shouldn’t be under your chin

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor
To “once and for all” inform me
That contrary to what I might believe
Screwfix are not a dating agency

A Little Bit Of Humour # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?
And you don’t get fed up with that
When they ask about your bobby’s hat
“Does your head reach the top of that?”

CHARITABLE BEQUESTS REQUESTS # 2

Not happy just to pester me in life
The Red Cross want me instead
To change my last will and testament
To take my money when I’m dead

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 2

A Man in a hot air balloon
Has lost his bearings
As he slowly floated by

He looks down below
And shouts to a man
“Hello, Where am I”?

“Well you tell me mate”
The man shouted back
“You have a better view than I”

GOURMET PARSNIP CRISPS

Gourmet Parsnip crisps
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day

SELF MEDICATION

To counteract the signs of aging
I have an alternative to the
Cosmetic treatment hustle

I just drink plenty of wine
It’s much cheaper than Botox
And paralyses more muscles

VERY RED CROSS

I supported the Red Cross
For many Years
But their hard sell tactics
Brought me to tears

Not content with
My monthly subscription
They bombarded me with requests
Of every description

First they told of troubles
In foreign lands
I said “I can’t pay more
Than what I had planned”

So they thought a change of tack
Will open my wallet
And told me what they did
In Nether Wallop

Emails and letters
Calling with the hard sell
Well I’ve had enough
They can go to hell

MEETING TIME

I have found in meetings
Where minutes are taken
Hours are wasted
Unless I am mistaken

THE LEADER TOUCHED A BUOY

The leader touched a buoy
During the course of race,
When he got to the shore
His mother slapped his face

ALCOHOL IS NOT THE ANSWER

Alcohol is not the answer
That’s my suggestion
It does help however
To make you forget the question

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 287

There was a crow sat on a stone
And there he sat and ate his scone
When it was gone, when there was none
He sat and ate his Chelsea bun
MY GIRL IS TEACHING ME A LANGUAGE

My girl is teaching me a language
Natalia is from Russia you see
But it is not going very well at all
She tried with simple things for me
Asking the Russian word for napkin
Soviette is not the answer apparently

LOST LUGGAGE

It was a dreadful flight
And it was late as well
Then I couldn't find my case
On the baggage carousel
So I went to “lost luggage”
To report the loss of it
The woman looked the part
But I didn’t trust her a bit
She said she would apply
Her professional hand
Then she said “now tell me
“When does your plane land?”

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

I do mental arithmetic
When I’m lying in my bed
I like to count the voices
I hear inside my head

THIS TALK OF CULLING BADGERS

This talk of culling badgers
Is completely unsound
If we keep discussing it
We’ll drive them underground

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?
You must really think I have some gall
But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me
You'd have no hint of a sex life at all

A Little Bit Of Humour # 3

ARE YOU WEARING LACE GARTERS?

Are you wearing lace garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

I DO DRINK COFFEE

I do drink Coffee
But it’s not a favourite of mine
It doesn’t fill me with cheer

It just fills in the time
Until it’s socially acceptable
To start drinking beer

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

When my Gran got out of bed
After one too many tipples
She didn’t even notice that she
Was standing on her nipples

SOME PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES

Some people come into our lives
And leave footprints on our hearts
Others tread softly leaving no traces

But then there are the ones
On who you want to leave boot prints
All over their stupid faces

TAP IT, UNWRAP IT

The Chocolate Orange
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
It may definitely be included

IF MY GIRLFRIEND IS WEARING TIGHTS

When my girlfriend
Is wearing tights
And she over does it
Eating Turkish delight

Her mouth stuffed full
She starts to cough
Involuntarily farts
And blows her slippers off

THE OLD BANGER

The old banger
Wouldn’t start this morning
It wasn’t too long after
The day was dawning
I just kept trying
Over and over
But I couldn’t
Get her to turn over
Until eventually
With a cough and a fart
I managed to get
The old thing to start
Though not working
On full power
She got out of bed
And went in the shower

A SCANDAL HAS BROKEN

A scandal has broken
Of the very worst kind
It’s totally unforgivable
To my way of mind
That fraud Pudsey Bear
Isn’t really blind

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

I’m getting old
My youth has been relinquished
I’m told my grey hair
Makes me look distinguished
The sad truth is
My ego has been extinguished

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 286

Nelly Bligh
Caught a fly
And tied it to some thread
With some delight
She tied it tight
But then the fly was dead

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

Are you wearing winkle pickers?
And you don’t mind the snickers?
And when they ask it doesn’t offend?
“Do your toes go right to the end?”

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

There’s an Army surplus store across the street
That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see
I don’t know how well the business is doing
But it seems a bit of a niche market to me
And I watched loads of people go in the shop
But coming out I could only count about three

SON OF THE SOIL

I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to my allotment on Monday
I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to the allotment on Tuesday
The next day as I approached my plot
My poor old heart beat quickens
So when the top soil was two inches deeper
I could only say “The plot thickens”

TRANSFER SURPRISE

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City
Though it was surrounded in farce
I would have thought it more likely
That he’d disappear up his own arse

I'LL TAKE THE RED ONE

Bimbette asked in a sex shop
“I want to buy a new vibrator”
The assistant said “just choose
From that display by the door
"I'll take the red one" She said
To the man behind the counter
He replied with a deep sigh
"That's a fire extinguisher"