NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

 

If you have decided

You are overweight

And a diet is the solution

If you have decided

This should be

Your New Year’s resolution

Just listen to these facts

For just a moment

And then digest the information

 

Of all the people in Britain

There are more overweight people

Than there are average weight people

So overweight people

Are now the new average weight people

So, job done, you have reached your target

You are no longer overweight

You have kept your New Year’s resolution

Have a cake to celebrate

ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?

Well, you really do look good in it

And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit

It’s a really cracking little outfit

Though all the emphasis is on the fit

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

 

When the clock strikes

The midnight hour

One-year ends

And another begins

With an explosion

Of pyrotechnic splendour

Lavishly ostentatious

Many thousands of pounds

Up in smoke

Is it really worth it?

Would it not be better spent?

On the homeless

And the lost

And so, begin a new year

With new hope

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

 

It’s such a mild New Year

All the birds are singing noisily

Noisy little bastards

Should be frozen to a tree

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

On New Year’s Eve

Before the bells begin to clang

Ask her if she wants to

Ring in the New Year with a bang? 

THE YEAR IS TURNING

 

The year is turning, the cycle

Has made another revolution

It’s time once more to make

The obligatory resolution

Which is broken within days

But this year I have a solution

In order to make it last

I will not make a resolution

NEW RESOLVE

 

My New Year resolution

Was to find a solution

To my misshapen figure

And lack of vim and vigour

Though feeling rather grim

I signed up for the gym

First came the orientation

And equipment demonstration

I was told of suitable clothes

Something loose that flows

I said “the reason or the point

Of me being in this joint

And why I signed up tonight

Is all my clothes are tight”

OLD YEARS NIGHT

 

My wife is an optimist

Which is why, she stays up

On New Year’s Eve

To see in the new one

 

I am by nature a pessimist

Which means, that I stay up

On New Year’s Eve

To make sure the old one has gone

FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT

 

I want to kiss you

On December 31st

Before the clock strikes twelve

Until the last chime

Echoes in the night

Of January the first

So, one year will come to an end

In the most amazing way

And the next will have

A beautiful beginning

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

 

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;

A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness

Followed by being mostly drunk with

A very slight chance of unconsciousness

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

 

New Year’s resolutions are just

Lies that we tell one another

And are something that go in

One year and out the other

THEY FIRST MET ON A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EVE

They first met on a special Christmas Eve

And chemistry sparked between the two

When passions fires were truly quenched

He asked before bidding her a fond adieu

“What are you doing on New Year’s Eve?”

She replied “oh I’m definitely doing you” 

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

 

When the clock strikes

The midnight hour

One year ends

And another begins

With an explosion

Of pyrotechnic splendour

Lavishly ostentatious

Many thousands of pounds

Up in smoke

Is it really worth it?

Would it not be better spent?

On the homeless

And the lost

And so begin a new year

With new hope

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

On New Year’s Eve

Before the bells begin to clang

Ask her if she wants to

Ring in the New Year with a bang?

A LITTLE GIRL’S WARNING

A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.

And then she gave her dad a warning

“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”

He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning

“Because you know that it always gives

You a bad headache the next morning”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1

 

I was separated from my wife

Due to my serial infidelity

And found myself in bed again

With her best friend Felicity

It was on New Year’s Day

And Felicity asked me

“Did you make a resolution?

What was it? Go on tell me”

I replied “Not to be unfaithful

Ever again to my wife Pru”

As she climbed onto me she asked

“How’s that working out for you?”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2

 

I made a New Year’s resolution

To stop having one-night stands

Which would be easier to do

If second dates were in my plans

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST:

 

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast:

A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness

Followed by being mostly drunk with

A very slight chance of unconsciousness

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

 

New Year’s resolutions are just

Lies that we tell one another

And are something that go in

One year and out the other

MY ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

My only New Year's resolution

Is to be more optimistic next year

By keeping my cup half-full

With either vodka, whiskey, or beer