Showing posts with label Funeral. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funeral. Show all posts

Tuesday 23 March 2021

IT’S AMAZING GRACE

 

A mortician was working late one night

His job was to check that all was right

He examined the dead bodies unhurried

Before they went to be cremated or buried

As he examined Mr. Schwartz’s body

The mortician made an amazing discovery

It was when he stripped the body to clean

He had the longest penis he’d ever seen!

"Sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician

"But I cannot send that off for cremation

It simply has to be saved for posterity."

And so, he removed it with a little surgery

He stuffed the huge penis into his briefcase

And took it home to show his wife Grace

"I have something to show you my dear

Something that you won't believe I fear,"

And slowly he opened up his briefcase

“Oh god! Schwartz is dead!" screamed Grace

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

 

My uncle Henry is a magician

And he’s also an undertaker

If you saw his act, you’d know

Because he says Abra Cadaver

Wednesday 10 February 2021

IN ATTENDANCE

 

The only reason so many people

Were at the man’s funeral, it’s said

Was that they wanted to be sure

The insufferable man was dead

Saturday 28 November 2020

Uncanny Tales – (002) Death in the Dulcets

It was a beautiful sunny summer afternoon in the equally beautiful Finchbottom Vale, though the occasion in the Dulcets was a sombre one after the funeral service for Clive Pavey at St Bede’s.

The Dulcets were a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet St Mary, Dulcet Green and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course the location of the gloomy gathering, Dulcet-on-Willow which was a large sprawling village beside the gentle shallow River Willow, which ran unhurriedly from the Pepperstock Hills to the more vibrant River Brooke.

But it was on the terrace overlooking the gentle River Willow that Jamie Stirling saw Laura standing alone, bathed in the afternoon sun as she stared out into the distance.

Jamie was a thirty something solicitor and longstanding family friend of the Pavey’s.      

He walked up behind her and lightly stroked the back of her naked arm.

“Are you ok darling?” he asked

“No not really” she replied, and the tears immediately welled up in her already red eyes as she turned towards him, so he took her in his arms and she dissolved completely into tears.

“It’s ok darling” He whispered, “let it all go”

And as she sobbed uncontrollably into his chest Jamie kissed the top of her head and smiled smugly, he had always wanted her and now he had her in his arms and he intended to keep her there.

He held her close to him and stroked her back as she sobbed until the moment, she lifted her head and said

“I’m getting you all wet Jamie” 

“I don’t care” He replied, and she broke down again as he was holding in his arms the very beautiful woman he had not only lusted after for more than five years but who he had actually been in love with for four of those years.

He knew that she liked him too, but she liked his friend Clive more and he cursed the day he introduced them, because she fell head over heels for him and he for her.

As she sobbed her heart out and he consoled her with his empty words, all he could think of was how much he had always wanted her and that now, at long last, he was going to have her, after the death of his friend and her husband.

He made no excuses for what some might consider to be shameful thoughts as he held onto the grieving widow in her mourning clothes.

He would have continued to hold her had it not been for the sudden and unexpected arrival on the scene of Laura’s mother, who took her back inside to grieve more privately, she had never liked Jamie and had always been able to see through him.

He looked on as Mrs Shand led her daughter away in her widow’s weeds while offering her words of comfort and remained on the terrace for a few minutes after they disappeared from view and smiled, as he contemplated his next move, her mother may have given him a look as she led Laura away which said unequivocally

“You’re not having her”

But he was confident that he would soon make his move and Mrs Shand would do well not to interfere.

Because he had no doubt that he would succeed, as he would be there for Laura, over the coming weeks and months, and he would soon be in her heart and her bed.

There was a look in Laura’s eyes, as her mum lead her away when she looked back at him and weakly smiled that told him that, of course he would never succeed with her if she was ever to find out that he was responsible for her widowhood.

And should Mrs Shand attempt to interfere with his plans then there would soon be another funeral in Dulcet-on-Willow.

 

Wednesday 3 June 2009

I WENT TO A FUNERAL TODAY

I went to a funeral today
What a totally depressing day
In was a humanist service
Cold and utterly soulless
With some mumbling buffoon
Waffling on in monotone
A couple of poorly read poems
From some well thumbed tomes
And ended in a fit of irony
To the tune of “stay with me”
He was not religious I will concede
But even a man lacking a creed
Should be launched into oblivion
To the sound of a rousing requiem